Is it any wonder I'm tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right?
Oh, these days, after all the misery you made
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid?
Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed?
Apartment is a go, boxes are piled up, big items are sorted, lots of work to do, lots of changes to be made. Lots of varied emotions, stress, and blood sugar readings. How I will get through the next several day, I don't know, but I will. Then I will look back and wonder some more, but who cares then because it will be done. Fuck this mess.
When I'm sick, I watch all 3 Lord of the Rings movies. Lately, I've been watching them a lot. Towards the end of The Return of the King, Frodo and Sam are preparing to sneak through Mordor and Frodo despairs at how impossible it is. Sam looks at him with calm determination and says what they both know: that they have to go in there. Then he says:
"Come on. Let's just make it down the hill for starters."
It occurs to me that I have a lot of Sams in my life. I may never be able to express how grateful I am to you all. I keep crying not only because of the sadness of this situation, but at the outpouring of love and unimaginable support from people who are calmly determined to walk me through Mordor.
And as for the crying, I had a coworker come visit my cubicle on Friday. Her husband died suddenly a little over a year ago and she said that her only advice to me was to cry. To let it out. That, and to know that I am stronger than I realize. She told me that she is always available for hugs and to talk or cry. I know she's right about the crying because when I cry, my stomach doesn't hurt anymore. I may be a snotty, miserable mess, but better to wear it than bottle it.
Now I'm ready to start my day.
Thanks, Sam.
