Am I psychic?
Ant messaged me to say he received the book I sent him. I told him I heard he was moving back up here and he said he's bringing his tortoise and Dalmatian Pit. I dreamed Chris had Jasmine and another dog.
But isn't Jasmine Ant's dog? She is going to be a jealous baby. I can't believe some ding-dong let him get another dog. What the Jesus flipping goddammit?
Suddenly, I am glad that I am not going. It felt cruel for Chris to ask me to join him on this trip to get Ant. I love road trips, especially last minute, crazy, imperative ones, and I knew that Chris would make a great road trip companion- he always has, and driving together was always our thing. And look- the opportunity to help Ant. School starts on Monday, so he's got to go now...
I said no, but my mind kept trying to wrangle a way into it, so I called my sponsor. Tracy very gently put the smack down without getting derisive about my feelings about Chris. I am not trying to get back together with him, but we are able to spend time together without any hatred at all, and that just stirs up the residue in the fuel tank, which affects the efficiency of my vehicle. It's nice that we can talk- really nice. It's nice to know there was and will always be love there. But he will be Chris and do Chris things that will baffle and infuriate me. And I will try to fix him. And get sucked into drama and chaos that fill me with anxiety.
So even though I love to help- and especially for those two- I said no. I am suddenly glad that I did. At first, it seemed like more punishment for me- you don't get to go on this crazy, last minute road trip with a great road trip companion and listen to loud, great music, and why not? Because it is not good for your emotional well-being. I felt very pouty. But suddenly I see this message from Ant and the ideal picture in my head about how perfect this trip would be gets smashed into tiny, realistic pieces, and it's not such a pretty picture.
And it's not fair, by the way, that I got dumped and I am also the one who continually has to let go.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Friday, August 8, 2014
That's what caffeine is for.
I woke up at 3am yesterday, too. This is going to get obnoxious quickly.
I can't figure out why I am waking up, but I bet I'll sleep after I finish writing this. It's 4:30, though, so I will not be happy when the alarm goes off.
Of course, most of it probably has to do with Riley.
Riley has an old lady bump on her hip. She's got lots of lumps and bumps, but she hasn't been chewing or scratching this one and it keeps bleeding. I took her in and the vet took some fluid out to check under the microscope. She came back and told me that this thing must come off ASAP, that it is no bueno. The appointment 8/12- I have to drop Riley off in the morning and leave her all day. I am concerned- you know how stressed out she gets- but they assured me that she will be drugged and won't notice.
I am trying not to think too much about this right now. I thought I'd wait to freak out until we get the results back about what stage it is. Of course, panic is leaking in. Yeah, I know, she's almost 14. But I feel like I've never been without her.
She's fine- she doesn't seem to be in any pain. The vet tells me she'll be ok, but...
We're just continuing on- nothing has changed. Riley seems to be in slow decline, but it's nothing awful or unexpected. She limps a little in the morning, her vision and hearing are not so great. I have to be careful, because it is really easy to sneak up on her. She likes to sleep near my bed, and prefers the floor to her many dog beds. She no longer hears me coming, so I have to look for her if I get up in the middle of the night. I also find her curled up right behind my feet if I stay in one place for too long.
So we're ok- we just went for a long, sniffing stroll last night and I can watch her easily without having to police Jasmine. I haven't heard much from Chris, and I think I'll have to take her back sometimes because I worry about her. I think if he gets too used to having her around, he will exercise her less, leave her alone more often... I think a shared situation would be best for her, but we'll see. I am never satisfied.
Last night, I had an awful dream that I went to Chris's house and found it full of people. They didn't care about what they were doing and the house was a disaster. The dishwasher was open, racks full of what were clean dishes now covered in sawdust. I recognized the pattern of dishes- I had been the last one to load the dishwasher. I found Chris downstairs, sitting with Jasmine, a friend, and a Pit Bull puppy. I lost my temper and gave him a yelling lecture, hands on hips and pointed finger. I yelled about the state of a perfectly nice house, the people flowing through, another dog he wasn't going to train, his lack of care for all of the above. I told him this was why we weren't together anymore. At this point, his friend got up off the couch, walked past me on his way upstairs and said, "And he gave you plenty of opportunities to leave."
I kept thinking about that dream today and how much it hurt. I have a terrible problem- I can't stand the thought of him living like that, and I can't fix it. I think he would protest- say that he doesn't live that way, but it's just a matter of perspective. To me, it looks like a scary mess. It doesn't feel that way to him, and maybe he's happier. I hope so. That dream was an accurate representation- not of what it was actually like to live with him, but what it felt like.
And yet... I miss him. He was like part of me. It's hard to write this and anticipate your response to it, to try to explain and justify it to you- make you understand. But I miss him like I would miss my right arm. Like I will miss Riley.
So we're coming up on 6:00 and another work day and my birthday and fall and I am surprised to find that the summer is mostly over and the kids are going back to school. I have been happily distracted since May, and the summer heat hasn't even phased me. It has been a weird summer with lots of storms and muggy weather and I'm just over here chugging along, wondering when I'm going to find time to write. In the middle of the night, apparently. I suspect I'll be able to sleep through tomorrow night now. Now that this is out, I want to sleep for hours and hours, but instead I'll get up and eat and shower and use my extra time to let Riley take her potty time unrushed.
Another relief is that I have music again. I'll spare you the story, but it has taken over a month to resolve my iPod issues. Sparky has been nipping at my heels lately- per my request- to get this done, and after much aggravation, my music is syncing again. When my technology doesn't just work, I go from zero to red zone pretty much immediately, and I hate that I handle it so poorly. It's different at my job, where I have people I can call whose job it is to fix such problems and I don't have to pay for it. This problem was extremely stressful, and causing me unavoidably incensed rage. I could only deal with it in tiny chunks, and vented a lot to Sparky. But last night I found the problem. I felt a tremendous amount of glee that 1) I was right- I DID need a new iPod, but as soon as the Apple store employees saw my laptop, they were convinced that was my problem and became extremely unhelpful. There isn't a thing wrong with my laptop, and I just proved that, snobs. 2) I got further by researching and resolving the problem myself, once I got the new iPod. 3) I didn't let them shake me off- I got comfortable on their uncomfortable stools until closing time and they gave up and replaced my iPod- as they should have done in the first place. 4) I have my music again. I feel such relief and release!
So, not enough sleep and stress and all, but whatever. I'm better now. Thanks for listening.
I can't figure out why I am waking up, but I bet I'll sleep after I finish writing this. It's 4:30, though, so I will not be happy when the alarm goes off.
Of course, most of it probably has to do with Riley.
Riley has an old lady bump on her hip. She's got lots of lumps and bumps, but she hasn't been chewing or scratching this one and it keeps bleeding. I took her in and the vet took some fluid out to check under the microscope. She came back and told me that this thing must come off ASAP, that it is no bueno. The appointment 8/12- I have to drop Riley off in the morning and leave her all day. I am concerned- you know how stressed out she gets- but they assured me that she will be drugged and won't notice.
I am trying not to think too much about this right now. I thought I'd wait to freak out until we get the results back about what stage it is. Of course, panic is leaking in. Yeah, I know, she's almost 14. But I feel like I've never been without her.
She's fine- she doesn't seem to be in any pain. The vet tells me she'll be ok, but...
We're just continuing on- nothing has changed. Riley seems to be in slow decline, but it's nothing awful or unexpected. She limps a little in the morning, her vision and hearing are not so great. I have to be careful, because it is really easy to sneak up on her. She likes to sleep near my bed, and prefers the floor to her many dog beds. She no longer hears me coming, so I have to look for her if I get up in the middle of the night. I also find her curled up right behind my feet if I stay in one place for too long.
So we're ok- we just went for a long, sniffing stroll last night and I can watch her easily without having to police Jasmine. I haven't heard much from Chris, and I think I'll have to take her back sometimes because I worry about her. I think if he gets too used to having her around, he will exercise her less, leave her alone more often... I think a shared situation would be best for her, but we'll see. I am never satisfied.
Last night, I had an awful dream that I went to Chris's house and found it full of people. They didn't care about what they were doing and the house was a disaster. The dishwasher was open, racks full of what were clean dishes now covered in sawdust. I recognized the pattern of dishes- I had been the last one to load the dishwasher. I found Chris downstairs, sitting with Jasmine, a friend, and a Pit Bull puppy. I lost my temper and gave him a yelling lecture, hands on hips and pointed finger. I yelled about the state of a perfectly nice house, the people flowing through, another dog he wasn't going to train, his lack of care for all of the above. I told him this was why we weren't together anymore. At this point, his friend got up off the couch, walked past me on his way upstairs and said, "And he gave you plenty of opportunities to leave."
I kept thinking about that dream today and how much it hurt. I have a terrible problem- I can't stand the thought of him living like that, and I can't fix it. I think he would protest- say that he doesn't live that way, but it's just a matter of perspective. To me, it looks like a scary mess. It doesn't feel that way to him, and maybe he's happier. I hope so. That dream was an accurate representation- not of what it was actually like to live with him, but what it felt like.
And yet... I miss him. He was like part of me. It's hard to write this and anticipate your response to it, to try to explain and justify it to you- make you understand. But I miss him like I would miss my right arm. Like I will miss Riley.
So we're coming up on 6:00 and another work day and my birthday and fall and I am surprised to find that the summer is mostly over and the kids are going back to school. I have been happily distracted since May, and the summer heat hasn't even phased me. It has been a weird summer with lots of storms and muggy weather and I'm just over here chugging along, wondering when I'm going to find time to write. In the middle of the night, apparently. I suspect I'll be able to sleep through tomorrow night now. Now that this is out, I want to sleep for hours and hours, but instead I'll get up and eat and shower and use my extra time to let Riley take her potty time unrushed.
Another relief is that I have music again. I'll spare you the story, but it has taken over a month to resolve my iPod issues. Sparky has been nipping at my heels lately- per my request- to get this done, and after much aggravation, my music is syncing again. When my technology doesn't just work, I go from zero to red zone pretty much immediately, and I hate that I handle it so poorly. It's different at my job, where I have people I can call whose job it is to fix such problems and I don't have to pay for it. This problem was extremely stressful, and causing me unavoidably incensed rage. I could only deal with it in tiny chunks, and vented a lot to Sparky. But last night I found the problem. I felt a tremendous amount of glee that 1) I was right- I DID need a new iPod, but as soon as the Apple store employees saw my laptop, they were convinced that was my problem and became extremely unhelpful. There isn't a thing wrong with my laptop, and I just proved that, snobs. 2) I got further by researching and resolving the problem myself, once I got the new iPod. 3) I didn't let them shake me off- I got comfortable on their uncomfortable stools until closing time and they gave up and replaced my iPod- as they should have done in the first place. 4) I have my music again. I feel such relief and release!
So, not enough sleep and stress and all, but whatever. I'm better now. Thanks for listening.
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