It's been hard to lose my Night Bus. Maybe I've only lost him for now and not forever. I hope so. I feel all the judgments and auto-reject all the "you need to"s and I want to explain but even if I did, I can't fill in all the amazing stuff you couldn't know or the things I don't even remember. It's just my sad story and I get to deal with it alone no matter how much I tell. That's hard. I feel like I got thrown out of the coach as it turned back into a pumpkin and hey look, here's Gus Gus running around at my feet and there's nothing to do but go clean the kitchen. That was all real and this is too, fortunately or unfortunately, but the Ever After version was also nice when Drew Barrymore had enough of the shit and walked out of the castle by herself. The prince was a nice surprise, not her rescue vessel.
I have watched enough relationship movies to know that it's time to put all of this down and go do things for me. I thought I had- I thought I was, but maybe it just needs to be bigger. My friend said it did seem like the universe was fucking with me and gigglingly suggested I should throw litter out my window or not return my cart to the corral. We could never, of course, but it does feel like it's important to claim some space in the world. Another friend just said I have been ending some pretty big things like self-loathing and silence. That feels true and it feels good, not that those things are ever totally gone. There's more happening than it looks or feels like to me, but once she pointed it out, I could see it.
She also said she was told this year is the hanged man in the Tarot cards. It sounds appropriate for how this year has gone for so many people, but she said it's a sharp, abrupt ending of some physical things in preparation for the metaphysical things to come. It might not feel good, but it's productive. That'll work for me.
My fascinations lately are yellow, the Bruno Mars song When I Was Your Man, and finding spiders in their webs.
