Well, we knew that already, but it's good for me to have confirmation of that sometimes. You still haven't figured out how not to be a turd, and that makes me sad and upset, but that is bullshit that I don't have to deal with anymore. I do anyway sometimes, and here's how that breaks down:
End Result 1: I feel satisfied with the interaction, I feel respected and treated like a friend, and content with the fact that I don't feel any pull for something more.
End Result 2: He does something stupid and selfish that makes me want to push him into oncoming traffic.
Yes, I see why you think it's a bad idea for me to be around him. I know, and you're right. And here I am anyway, frustrated and annoyed with dickhead behavior. Serves me right, but look who I got to hang out with today:
They came by last night and everything was fine and we were talking and catching up and when the discussion shifted to plans for today, everything blew up. The only plan Chris had for him was to spend the day at the tow yard, and Ant was understandably upset at that prospect. He was already amped up all evening- happily and teasingly disrespectful, which Tracy immediately identified as Ant feeling at home. I let most of that go because he was clearly excited, but he got STUCK on the tow yard problem and would not shut up long enough to hear what I was offering. I mean that he did not allow either of us to speak even while he was cursing at us and demanding that we just tell him. He got more and more steamed until he just blew, and was invited to take a walk to cool down. It took several walks, and at one point he shook his finger at me, too angry to speak. I was completely thrown- unsure how the hell I was the bad guy when I was trying to offer him a more entertaining alternative. There was just no reaching him. Chris sat him down and laid it out for him, but Ant was still on full teenager outrage meltdown, and said to Chris that he was pissed that I was treating him like he was my kid. Chris was turned towards Ant and I didn't see his expression in response to that, but I know it changed. His head tilted and there was a pointed pause. Chris then told him that I had done more for Ant than any other woman in his life.
Ant quieted after that lecture, but he was still clearly very angry. I told him what was on the table for today: spending the day at Chris's work or what I would be willing to do if he came with me. He asked me if he could think about it. Absolutely.
I sent him home with dog cookies for Jasmine, and offered him some vile cheese puffs that I had, but he turned those down. (What? He's a teenager! He eats everything!) I hugged him goodbye and told him I loved him, and what I got in return was, "I know."
I felt awful. I felt so unsettled, and I thought a lot about my own teenage karma. I tried to channel Mom and sat in awe of how she survived my adolescence. I thought about her patience and how much disrespect she endured and how she tried valiantly not to get drawn into arguing with me. She tried every single day and never shipped me off to Springwood. At the time, I was convinced that she was wrong about absolutely everything and into my early twenties I thought that she and Dad had completely failed us as parents. I thought about the poem I wrote for her 60th birthday and struggled to accept the idea that Ant wouldn't fully appreciate me for another 15 years.
I also felt mad. Look, here I am back in my permanent role as Ant's scapegoat. You're not my real mom, you're just some asshole pretending to be a good parent. I felt shock at the intensity of his anger towards me. I felt attacked. I was struck by the injustice of being called disrespectful by a disrespectful teenager who earnestly felt like an innocent bystander- had no idea that he had just created this explosion. I tried hard to sleep and shake off the worry about what today would be like or if he would show up at all.
My daily counselor was available this morning, and I told her everything I felt. Tracy heard me out and gave me encouragement, and I headed into my day.
Ant showed nothing about last night, and neither did I. We just picked up as we always have, and spent a nice day together. He was wonderful, happy, and helpful. We took Jasmine and Riley over to meet Jody and her dogs at Rattlesnake Mountain. Snoopy has been aggressive lately, and she used to argue with Jasmine sometimes, so I told Ant that we should keep a close eye out, but all that happened was that Snoopy and Lucy were so excited to see Jasmine that they put scratches all over the side of my car. Fabulous. Thank you. Jasmine rejoined the pack as if she'd never left, and we were all happy. Ant threw a stick for Jasmine, Snoopy roamed all over the place, and we periodically stopped for water or to pull a goat head out of somebody's paw. We watched as people drove down the dirt road with their dogs running behind them and Jody wondered if that would be a good way to get some of Snoopy's energy out. If you've seen the pictures of our walks, you know that they all eventually join our caravan except for her. We decided to try and headed back to the cars. Several wild horses were nearby, closer than I've ever seen, and our good girls did not harass them.
Jody let Snoopy out of the car at the start of the road and I drove behind her. Snoopy was completely confused and Jasmine was whining to go play with her, so we let her out even though she was already pretty tired after chasing the stick on the walk. Jasmine figured out what we were doing and led the way, running after Jody's car. Snoopy caught on and we kept the two of them between us, a pretty good distance apart. Jasmine ran out of steam and slowed down, so we stopped to pick her up and had to catch up with Snoopy, who was way ahead, still chasing after Jody's car. She ran at least a mile. We gave the dogs some more water and Jody, who never sees her dog tire out, said, "I think that might have actually done it." Let's hope this is a viable way to tucker out an endurance dog.
That was a great dog walk- couldn't have gone better. We brought the dogs to my apartment and Jasmine was very happy to see Solo, who batted her on the nose, but without claws. I put Solo up on the cat shelves when we came in to make sure she felt safe, but she wandered right down to Jasmine, clearly recognizing her sister. Her tail never poofed, she never hissed. The last time Snoopy and Lucy were over, she did both and popped Lucy so good that we couldn't stop the bleeding for half an hour. Ant and I went to lunch and came back to find Solo curled up and half asleep in a spot that was easily reachable by the pit bull. Yes, they remember.
After lunch, we brought the dogs over to my apartment complex office for pictures with Santa. I had signed Riley up, so I figured we'd bring Jasmine along. As soon as we walked in the door, everyone's eyes were the on her, so Ant started giving her commands to show how well-behaved she is. The picture is funny- Riley actually sat in Santa's lap, however reluctantly, and Jasmine posed on the floor by his chair, her head tilted adorably.
After that, Ant and I headed to Kohl's for some clearance shopping. He found two pairs of pants and a backpack. I handed over my coupons and when the cashier gave us the total of $25, Ant shook his head and high-fived me. On the way out, we set off the sensor and another Kohl's lady came over to take off the tag. I cracked a corny "Well, it IS a steal," and we giggled out into the parking lot where we bowed to the Kohl's gods.
We also hit up Ross, where we found him two shirts, some sheets, and warm, silly hat, then we came back, ate a snack, and watched Ghostbusters.
We had good conversation going all day long, and last night did come up. He had been venting some of the horrors of Trampolina and stopped to say that's why he was so mad last night- because of her, and how she treated him. As he talked, I realized that he hadn't been yelling at me, he was yelling at her. He didn't get to share much of his feelings with her, it seems, and he hated both her and the way his dad was around her. He really has had to deal with a pretty awful mess. Earlier today in a different conversation, I told him that one of the things I love best about him is how he really tries to make the best of things, and that sometimes makes it hard to tell how he really feels. I know this last year was unbelievably difficult, and it's difficult still, as he tries to make a life this semester in Topaz. But he says he's ok because he sees that it's getting better. He says his dad is back and really seems to be doing much better. He looks forward to going back to live with Chris and making a new life again. He has had to do that more times already than anyone I have ever known.
Before I start crying on my keyboard, I will take a deep breath here and say that this kid is amazing and we had a really, really good day together. We had fun and he helped me and was very grateful, kind, silly, warm, open... he was just his happy, friendly, smart self. And not greedy. He was very conscious of prices and turned down what he did not need, even if he liked it. We're on to go see Catching Fire tomorrow, hopefully with Bubba. Oh- and during Ghostbusters, he raided my kitchen, seeking out the vile cheese puffs to munch on. Some things don't change... thankfully.
