Nevada Storm

I'm out in Dayton watching my friends play full tackle football. Cristine recovered a fumble by the other team, and Kristen- the quarterback- is a regular badass.

The last time I saw a game was two years ago, and it's nice to see that the team has probably doubled. There's a pretty good crowd here, too. Right now they're behind, but they are playing Sacramento- a bigger and more established team. That's who beat them two years ago, but the Storm has been practicing (in a warehouse with concrete floors).

I just have to point out what stands out to me- look how beautiful this place is.

Go Storm!

This Upended

I've been feeling very fragile lately, and I'm trying to figure out why. I'm sure it's a good thing in limited doses. I know I feel lonely, which is expected, and surely vulnerability comes with that.

Friendships are deepening, and that feels wonderful, but they all still feel far away. Maybe I'm still recovering from having another half. Ten years is too long to just be a girlfriend.

I'm amazed at a lot of things that went on- a lot of things I endured, things I did, things I wore. The most interesting, sad, and surprising thing I have learned while trying to improve my wardrobe is that I just could not SEE myself. It takes numerous, active attempts to shake off the delusions and see what's really there. Learning what fits, for example. It took multiple shirts for Lena to show me where the sleeves started versus where my shoulders were. I see how it looks on the hanger, not how it looks on me. This reminds me of the mindfulness class, where I learned why I cannot sit still- it is not comfortable to sit still. I suppose I don't like what I see and therefore substitute a nicer image. Interesting how I can torture myself with unpleasant ideas that I can do nothing about, but ignore what I can change.

Lena also taught me that there are great shirts that looks better on somebody else- tell me that advice doesn't have wide applications. She also relayed to me the importance of trying things on, which means I get to practice, and practice, and practice. I can see it better now, and the results are interesting. I consult Tracy for approval many mornings, but more and more days, I feel like I'm finding the style I have always wanted. I am such a late bloomer.

I'm going to re-sign my lease. I took some time to calm down before talking to them, and today I asked my questions politely. I was offered carpet cleaning or minor upgrades, so that's nice. It's either spring or the yearly lease debate that makes me antsy, but I feel ready to change some things up- in my apartment, yes, and everywhere else.

Nest Eggs

Happy Easter!

Today I started out all pissed off when I found out the price went up on the washer and dryer in my building. This, in addition to my annual rent increase, did not make me happy. I had to put on real clothes, go out, and find an open store on Easter Sunday to get the one frigging quarter I needed to finish my laundry. GAAAGGHHH!

But.

I got the stupid quarter, I have clothes for the week, I took Miss Riley to PetSmart, made lunch, cleaned my place, talked to the fam, drank a Diet Coke, finished an audiobook, boiled eggs, dyed eggs, hid eggs. That was Dad's great idea. Facebook friends are having fun looking, and you can too! What's awesome is that all evening, no one has ruined the game.

I got to celebrate Easter in a neat way this year. I also made a little hamsteak, some fancy mac n cheese, and broccoli, so that felt very Eastery too. Then I watched Thief, and soon I will get ready for bed. This Sunday started out poopy, but I'm not sure if it's possible to feel more content at this moment.

I've been kind of cranky lately- feeling like the things I want will always be out of reach. Even if I know better, I can't help feeling that way sometimes. The accomplishments feel small compared with the anxiety they hold when they are still tasks to be completed. Mom stopped to acknowledge two important ones today, and I see that I have got to celebrate them- treat them like the big deal they are. In honor of that, here's a big one: on Thursday, I went to the dentist... with dental insurance... that I paid for.

I don't think I have ever done that, unless you count the Air Force, which I don't. If that's not enough- while I was in the chair, I was informed that I needed more than they'd estimated, and my copay would be double. I was able to tell them no problem- proceed as necessary. Clearly, things are getting better financially. I will get where I want to, and come up with new, more extravagant goals. In the meantime, I will try harder to remember that this isn't bad, and it's not just good- it's actually pretty awesome.