Real quick-
Today was supposed to be cleaning and all the stuff I've been just unable to keep up with for the last month. (Has it been a month?!) Of course, instead I laid in bed for an hour and ran errands all day and when I was supposed to start cleaning, my feet hurt. It's how I do.
But somewhere around 8, I got the train moving, and have been picking up and putting away for 3 hours. My apartment is not cleaned but policed so that I can clean tomorrow, and I would not be horrified if someone walked in right now. I wanted to remind myself that this is in keeping with how I do everything, and while it's not for everyone, it apparently is for me, and it would be an incredibly kind gesture to not beat myself about the head and shoulders for it. Trust that the motivation will hit, and that it will probably happen at night. Make a note to look for jobs or schedules that allow you to take advantage of the motivation that often hits at 8 or 9 at night.
This weekend I let some of Riley's ashes go, and I want to tell you about that and share some pictures, but I will get that done when I get to it. :) I have been feeling so bad for not being motivated and productive and wondering if it's grief or just laziness, because I like to flog myself mercilessly. But HA, critical inner voice! Productivity wasn't lost forever, and besides- if a messy apartment comes along with losing my shadow, oh well, and I'm still doing the important stuff like going to work and paying bills. It can't all be up to par.
Tonight, while putting things away, I moved Riley's bed into the closet and found myself looking at things like the stroller and her leash and feeling a leap of panic, like oh my god, what the hell am I going to do with that... feeling all the guilt and sentiment and the mutual obligation to both keep things and give them to other dogs, and I had this overpowering and total unwillingness to let go...
Another day, another day. Leave that for another day.
