This kind of thing always happens at 2am

Now it's 2:45 am and I'm holding a bowl of chicken and rice at an angle. Riley is happily nosing through the rice for the chicken bits. She's been whining on and off through the night but I woke up at 2 to her panting. Google said call the vet, so I called Reno's godsend, Animal Emergency Center, and asked if Riley could have another pain pill. Nik strongly recommended pill pockets last night, and I am singing her praises. Who knew I would desperately need them 6 hours later. I got Riley up and got the pain pill down, and she limped to the other side of my room, sat down, and smelled the air, so I brought her the other half of the pill pocket. She ate it right up, interested and whuffling at every piece I held out, so I went and grabbed a chicken and rice container, threw it into a bowl and warmed it up. She ate most of the chicken bits with gusto and then stopped a couple times, looking at me with the expression that said the medicine just hit. She quieted down and is now lying with her head on my socks. I thought a headrest might help her get up easier.

I knew this first day or two would be the worst, the absolute worst, and so far it is awful. It was suggested to me that I take Tylenol PM because I would likely be both sore and restless, and I do think that was sound advice. I just didn't feel last night that she was entirely good, and wanted to keep an ear out. It made for a shitty 4 hours, but I'm glad I heard it when the panting started.

I'll call the vet in the morning and see if we can't increase the dosage to keep her comfortable. If this kind of pain continues, and she doesn't improve, of course we can't keep going. I wonder if my Facebook post will prove to be ill timing- if we don't have that long at all. I feel like I can anticipate some people's reactions, like they're already judging and feeling like it's already been over and they know what I should do.

In those moments, I think about mindfulness and noticing what thoughts are occurring. I think about what Kate said about being present in the moment. I am asking myself to stay with what's happening no matter how upsetting or uncomfortable- not thinking about the past or anticipating the future- and to be open to the signs she sends to let me know when she is ok or not. So far, my rule in this is not in pain. If that means rest and meds and a happy dog, ok. If it means the end, I will be ok.

Send good juju

I'm lying on the floor next to my dog rubbing her head. I am having to use the voice command so please forgive the mistakes. I spent 2 hours at the vet today curled around Riley. She was lying on one of my towels wrapped up in it on the table. They assured me right in when I came in with her wrapped in my towel. It took the towel to be able to pick her up because she hurt so bad she was trying to well trying not to bite me. At the vet the vet tech game to check her vital signs and see how much of an emergency it was because the vet was in surgery. I had to lay Riley on the table so the vet tech could check her out and I did not want to move her again so I spent 2 hours petting her and talking to her while we waited. The table is metal and I was glad I wasn't able to find the beach towel and instead grabbed one of the thick extra large bathroom towels because half of it kept her body insulated from the cold table and the other kept out the cold air and dried my tears. When the vet came in and checked her out I told him all about the diarrhea the chicken and rice the vet visit on Saturday the antibiotics and her growl cries all day Sunday. I told him about her back legs giving out and how stiff she was walking how her back was hunched. I told him it was extremely unlike her to lie on the table any table but especially at the vet. He asked to see her walk and told me he thought it was either a bulged disc or perhaps cancer. He kept her for tests and I went back to work. I picked her up this evening and found out it is compressed vertebrae. There are two spots where there should be space. I have no idea what could have caused this recently and he said there's no telling. If I think of all her acrobatics through the years I can easily think of many potential causes but I do not know what could have triggered it and I certainly saw no injuries at the time. Now in addition to antibiotics she is on steroids and pain medicine. He does not think this is the end for her. He says she'll be fine once the swelling goes down. Because of her age she is not a candidate for surgery of course but he says medication in this case usually works quite well. He gave me instructions for the medication and vet she has to have restricted movement for a month. No running no jumping no playing all of which is no problem but also no stairs which means I will be her elevator. He told me they had given her an injection of pain medicine and that it would wear off in 3 to 4 hours. It has worn off. I gave her the other medications hours ago because I did not want her to run out of pain medicine but she hurts. I am to call the vet on Wednesday with an update and I'm glad he told me the medication will wear off because she was lying on the floor whining. Eventually she got up and stiffly paced the apartment wandering back and forth. She settled down in my room in her usual sleeping corner but kept crying softly so here I am an hour past my bedtime emotionally drained and sore and tired but she has quieted down. I will go to bed soon and sleep but I will get up and come lie down next to her again if she asks me to. The next couple days will be hard. I think she got moved around a lot today and it's going to take some time for the medicine to kick in. If the vet had suggested putting her down today I would have done it. He did not though he knew her age and mentioned it often instead told me she would be back to her regular old self as soon as the swelling went down so I am trusting him. Please send warm comforting thoughts to her as she heals.