Well, this has been an interesting ride. One month later and my job is entirely different. This is good, though I wasn't sure for a while. It felt bad to lose the PERC and the people in it, but now I see that the countdown was already happening- I just didn't know about it. The partial view I had was prescribed for me. That feels like shit, of course, but luckily I had some good people looking out for my best interests. Not only did I not have all the info about what was coming, but the people are already scattering, and everything is changed. It was doomed anyway, and I really think if I had been kept there, I would probably be actively seeking another job. I find I am grateful to have been pulled.
But this news came in late November, and the move didn't happen until two months later. That was a long time to be in limbo, anticipating the change and trying to figure out how to prepare. Anxieties built, and come February I met what I can only describe as the id. I know we're all like that sometimes, but...
I have never before been very good at handling other people's behavior with calm deflection, but I got lots of practice this month. I only lost my temper once, which is one more than the acceptable amount, but me losing my temper is, as my friend put it, like an angry kitten, so it wasn't that bad. More importantly, I successfully incorporated some new strategies. Normally I'll wear whatever people try to put on me until I collapse under the weight. This time, when awful, stupid, and ridiculous things were thrown, I got to a point of calm deflection! Score!
Naming the problem as an id really helped me have less judgment about it. As my coworker said, you just have to set a place for it at the table. It's going to be there running its mouth, but I don't have to participate in the conversation. Good lesson.
Another lesson in this month came from the mess. It was a rough transition, which surprised me. (Sadly, I will never be a detective.) I've been going back and forth between my new and old places, unable to really finish anything in either place. I come home and don't have the energy to move. My apartment is a mess, my car is a mess, my desk is a mess. Today I started my day wanting to sweep everything onto the floor, but thankfully sometime in the past few days I realized that there has been a lot going on- no wonder I'm tired. If work hasn't been fun enough for the last there months, I have been dealing with a lot of Riley issues, which is heart wrenching and expensive. And then Elaine let me know that Ant ran away. He's near home, apparently, running with a group of similar idiots. He hasn't been to school in weeks. And no, he hasn't contacted me and yes, he knows where I live and how to reach me. Just... maybe I wrote this already, but my first thought when I heard that- right after the shot of fear to the gut- was that I could have done better by him, that I should have remained a steady presence in his life no matter the cost, as if I could have prevented this.
But that's not mine to wear. And February had been a steeper hill than it looked. It's been messy and it's ok that I haven't been superhuman. I'm still doing a lot that I need to acknowledge. Like tonight- I got home with groceries at 9, spent an hour cutting vegetables and prepping food, another hour on my puzzle, and an hour writing. I'm happy with that.
I'm tired. But I got my schedule changed one day a week so I have no obstacles in the way of attending yoga. I went out grocery shopping at three stores tonight to get everything I need to eat at home. I am right now at my 3 year anniversary at the VA. I'll be cleaning up this weekend. I won't sweep everything onto the floor, but I may put it down calmly.
