This morning I made exploding egg sandwiches. Chris asked me to give him his sandwich at his desk but I refused. He came to the table, sat down, and started eating his sandwich. The yolk promptly exploded and he thanked me for making him eat at the table.
For reasons only known to him, Chris was wearing only a towel at breakfast. It's hard to eat eggs together, so I was last to the table. Chris was distracted and did not hear my first comment. I said, "I feel like we're in a hut," and Ant started laughing. I turned to Ant and said something about Daddy in his loincloth and Ant started sputtering milk. Chris caught on.
"Did you just say loincloth?" he asked.
After the laughing fit calmed down we had a little time for family conversation before Chris got up to go get ready. He stopped on the way to pick something up and- hands full of dishes- lost his towel. He screamed and nobody could stop laughing for the next five minutes. Ant was in tears and couldn't talk.
After Chris left, Ant read his book. I'm starting to feel a little relief- I was feeling like an evil stepmother making him read this book that starts so slow. He's getting more into it so I'm not worried anymore- it only gets better as it goes.
Somewhere around 3 I took Ant to the thrift store to escape the house for a little while. He's still got a lot of reading to go, but breaks are necessary. At Savers we spent two hours and $27, but here's what we got:
For Ant-
2 pairs of pants
2 pairs of boxers (I am less grossed out by this than used girl underwear)
2 books
one pair of sunglasses that went out of style in the 90's and is back again for some reason.
For me-
1 super cute green t-shirt with counting sheep
1 neat green dish towel in very good shape
1 pair of jeans
My jeans were $8. And they fit. And they look nice. And they're not too short. Beat that, Ross! Savers can be a little pricier than other thrift stores, but there's no better place to look for clothes. I tried on some really neat shirts but they looked way better on the hanger than they did on me. This was sad, but oh well. I got jeans for $8! What's worse is that Savers is having a 50% off sale on Monday. Oh, shit! We'll be hitting up the Savers in Sparks that day. There was some crazy nonsense about being able to get 50% off tomorrow if you sign up for their card, so I'll be doing that tonight and maybe we'll go tomorrow instead. I felt shitty about spending $27 when I could have spent half that, but I bet Savers will be mobbed and besides, there's no way I could spend $27 on a pair of jeans that fit this well, let alone all the other clothes we got.
It's raining tonight, finally, so we're cooped up and reading. Riley is percolating in the corner and I've got to go cook dinner. Ant decided that he's going to finish his book tonight in the hopes of being free to play. I'm not sure he'll finish that quickly, but I'm rooting him on anyway. Go Ant go!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Super Jenny Strikes Again
Yesterday I helped Chris schlep and set up for his boss (for lack of a better term)'s gig. He dropped me off at home, where I collected Ant and the dogs. We drove to the dog park and walked around the lake. That might sound sad, but my heel is only slightly improved. Afterwards we came home, deposited the dogs, grabbed the laundry and drove off to the library, then the laundromat. I was all frugal and brought my stash of quarters from home. I have a serious love-hate relationship with the Financial Aid office. At the library we found The Wonderful Wizard of Oz for my Children's Literature class, as it is not in the big book. Ant got two books, one from that twisted Oz series that he liked so much and another Louis Sachar book.
I think I told you that I made him read There's a Boy in the Girls' Bathroom for his second book report, right? He really got into it and asked me to recommend one for his third book report. I wasn't sure what would be acceptable so I started looking online for 5th grade. Then Ant told me he's actually at an 8th grade reading level. How the hell does this system work? So we were talking about books :D and he wanted to know if the author (Louis Sachar) had written anything else. Um, yeah! I reminded him of Holes, which he's read, and Sideways Stories from Wayside School, which is in the bookcase at school.
So back to the library... he really wanted to read both books, but neither would work for his book report, since the Oz book has pictures and he already did one report on Louis Sachar. He is forced to stick with the book I picked out for his third report: The Hunger Games. He was frustrated at the slow going but he's picking up speed. Last night he fell asleep on the couch reading and I had to wake him up to send him to bed. This morning I found him reading on the couch again. :D He asked me if someone carried him to bed last night. I have never seen anyone respond so poorly to being woken up. He really doesn't wake up, just wails like a banshee. Once I finally got him up, I sent him to change into PJs and to brush his teeth. He went into his room and there was silence... The more I had to call him and redirect him, the crankier he got. I was relieved when his teeth were finally brushed and he could go to bed.
He's reading in the Pickle Parlor now, chased out of the living room by lack of light. I know your pain, kid. I told him that if he got a good chunk finished we could go look at thrift stores for some more pants. He seemed happy about that, although he couldn't resist hoping that I'd let him out to go play. Not a chance, kiddo, until this book is done. Last night he managed to avoid a total meltdown. He was frustrated that the book started slow, crossed his arms, and started to cry angry tears but I reminded him that this particular method of avoidance was how he got in trouble in the first place. I promised to crack the whip- that no matter what, he would have to work hard to finish this book on time. I said I feel angry with myself and frustrated and annoyed when I put off writing a paper but in spite of all those feelings, I write the paper. Then I made some jokes, he laughed, and actually pulled himself out of the funk and headed back to the book. Right then I decided that I will take him to the Hunger Games movie when it comes out. Candy, soda, and popcorn included.
So Jennyway, I kicked some heinie yesterday. (Hienie?) Not just Ant's, but I helped Chris, walked the dogs on a busted heel, hit the library and the laundromat, finished in record time- enough to run over to Guitar Center and act as a guard dog over the last karaoke machine until Chris could get there. (It was for his boss's gig.) Then I went home, put all the laundry away and cooked dinner. AND I'm halfway through The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. I also have to read Peter Pan before the quiz on Tuesday and figure out what story I'm going to write for the class and illustrate it. I figure I should do that this weekend so I can actually sleep this week. Go Jenny go.
I think I told you that I made him read There's a Boy in the Girls' Bathroom for his second book report, right? He really got into it and asked me to recommend one for his third book report. I wasn't sure what would be acceptable so I started looking online for 5th grade. Then Ant told me he's actually at an 8th grade reading level. How the hell does this system work? So we were talking about books :D and he wanted to know if the author (Louis Sachar) had written anything else. Um, yeah! I reminded him of Holes, which he's read, and Sideways Stories from Wayside School, which is in the bookcase at school.
So back to the library... he really wanted to read both books, but neither would work for his book report, since the Oz book has pictures and he already did one report on Louis Sachar. He is forced to stick with the book I picked out for his third report: The Hunger Games. He was frustrated at the slow going but he's picking up speed. Last night he fell asleep on the couch reading and I had to wake him up to send him to bed. This morning I found him reading on the couch again. :D He asked me if someone carried him to bed last night. I have never seen anyone respond so poorly to being woken up. He really doesn't wake up, just wails like a banshee. Once I finally got him up, I sent him to change into PJs and to brush his teeth. He went into his room and there was silence... The more I had to call him and redirect him, the crankier he got. I was relieved when his teeth were finally brushed and he could go to bed.
He's reading in the Pickle Parlor now, chased out of the living room by lack of light. I know your pain, kid. I told him that if he got a good chunk finished we could go look at thrift stores for some more pants. He seemed happy about that, although he couldn't resist hoping that I'd let him out to go play. Not a chance, kiddo, until this book is done. Last night he managed to avoid a total meltdown. He was frustrated that the book started slow, crossed his arms, and started to cry angry tears but I reminded him that this particular method of avoidance was how he got in trouble in the first place. I promised to crack the whip- that no matter what, he would have to work hard to finish this book on time. I said I feel angry with myself and frustrated and annoyed when I put off writing a paper but in spite of all those feelings, I write the paper. Then I made some jokes, he laughed, and actually pulled himself out of the funk and headed back to the book. Right then I decided that I will take him to the Hunger Games movie when it comes out. Candy, soda, and popcorn included.
So Jennyway, I kicked some heinie yesterday. (Hienie?) Not just Ant's, but I helped Chris, walked the dogs on a busted heel, hit the library and the laundromat, finished in record time- enough to run over to Guitar Center and act as a guard dog over the last karaoke machine until Chris could get there. (It was for his boss's gig.) Then I went home, put all the laundry away and cooked dinner. AND I'm halfway through The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. I also have to read Peter Pan before the quiz on Tuesday and figure out what story I'm going to write for the class and illustrate it. I figure I should do that this weekend so I can actually sleep this week. Go Jenny go.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Strategy
I am watching the last several episodes of Project Runway Season 1 and I'm inspired by the cranky bitch from Middleburg, VA who keeps going on about strategy so I've decided to share my strategies with you.
1. Stop opening the laptop so quickly that I pinch my leg.
2. Watch Project Runway reruns, coo at the designs, laugh at the antics, and conduct imaginary arguments with the TV.
3. Check every site on the Cheezburger network of sites, periodically post picture of angry kitten or strange man shopping at Wal-Mart with no pants on.
4. Blog about random items that make me laugh.
5. Intentionally miss nap (Yeah right, uh huh) and stay up as late as possible. Go to bed whenever the Food Network goes off the air for the night, fall asleep to an infomercial.
6. Sleep in. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
1. Stop opening the laptop so quickly that I pinch my leg.
2. Watch Project Runway reruns, coo at the designs, laugh at the antics, and conduct imaginary arguments with the TV.
3. Check every site on the Cheezburger network of sites, periodically post picture of angry kitten or strange man shopping at Wal-Mart with no pants on.
4. Blog about random items that make me laugh.
5. Intentionally miss nap (Yeah right, uh huh) and stay up as late as possible. Go to bed whenever the Food Network goes off the air for the night, fall asleep to an infomercial.
6. Sleep in. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
Dammit
I did a Google search last night for images to put in my presentation and some scary window popped up and wouldn't let me do anything but click on it. I rushed to close it and stop the download but I'm afraid I was too late. I put the download in the trash and emptied it but after that the computer was giving me a lot of beach balls. I thought maybe it was because I had moved into the bedroom and didn't have good signal but it did again this morning at school, just not as much. I'm alarmed. I really don't want to take it to the local Mac "experts". My old boss doesn't work with Macs. We don't have a Mac store that I know of. I wonder if I have to get whatever the problem is fixed before I buy some virus protection.
Yesterday in class we had to sign up for the last round of presentations for Peter Pan, The Wizard of Oz, and Shabanu, that book I already read, ha ha. The teacher always gives the sign up sheet to the same girl so she always gets first pick. I was really hoping to be able to do an author biography because I am very interested in those. By the time the sheet got to me the only author left was J.M. Barrie. That was fine by me so I signed up for that and symbols in Peter Pan. I thought I was being smart because the midterm exam essay was due today and I thought I'd have to weekend to create my presentations. Instead, last night I got a slow creeping sensation that said Peter Pan was also due today. I checked the syllabus to quash that idea and ended up confirming it instead. Nooo! The syllabus got messed up because she didn't realize Monday is a holiday. I struggled with the bad news for a little while, but then convinced myself that it was absolutely necessary to finish the presentations too. At 11:30pm. Today, sure enough, I was invited to present- AND was the only idiot who volunteered for Peter Pan. I think I did a decent job on the biography. My teacher went on and on but she always does, so that doesn't tell me anything. I wasn't extremely eloquent, operating on not much sleep and lots of Diet Pepsi. My symbols presentation was especially sad. It consisted of two slides: a title page with a non-Disney picture of Peter Pan (not an easy task, BTW) and the last page titled Symbols. I only listed what I figured were symbols and gave no attempt to explain them in the slide. I did attempt to explain them in class and let the teacher go on and on about each one. I'd say, "I think Peter Pan represents the inner child." and then she would elaborate for at least ten minutes. I wasn't too far off in my list. I did list his shadow as a major symbol, but I had no idea what it symbolized and neither did anyone in the class. Do you know? I do now.
So it turned out to be a good thing, I think, to get all that out in one night. I'm going to go collapse and take a nap when I get home.
Yesterday in class we had to sign up for the last round of presentations for Peter Pan, The Wizard of Oz, and Shabanu, that book I already read, ha ha. The teacher always gives the sign up sheet to the same girl so she always gets first pick. I was really hoping to be able to do an author biography because I am very interested in those. By the time the sheet got to me the only author left was J.M. Barrie. That was fine by me so I signed up for that and symbols in Peter Pan. I thought I was being smart because the midterm exam essay was due today and I thought I'd have to weekend to create my presentations. Instead, last night I got a slow creeping sensation that said Peter Pan was also due today. I checked the syllabus to quash that idea and ended up confirming it instead. Nooo! The syllabus got messed up because she didn't realize Monday is a holiday. I struggled with the bad news for a little while, but then convinced myself that it was absolutely necessary to finish the presentations too. At 11:30pm. Today, sure enough, I was invited to present- AND was the only idiot who volunteered for Peter Pan. I think I did a decent job on the biography. My teacher went on and on but she always does, so that doesn't tell me anything. I wasn't extremely eloquent, operating on not much sleep and lots of Diet Pepsi. My symbols presentation was especially sad. It consisted of two slides: a title page with a non-Disney picture of Peter Pan (not an easy task, BTW) and the last page titled Symbols. I only listed what I figured were symbols and gave no attempt to explain them in the slide. I did attempt to explain them in class and let the teacher go on and on about each one. I'd say, "I think Peter Pan represents the inner child." and then she would elaborate for at least ten minutes. I wasn't too far off in my list. I did list his shadow as a major symbol, but I had no idea what it symbolized and neither did anyone in the class. Do you know? I do now.
So it turned out to be a good thing, I think, to get all that out in one night. I'm going to go collapse and take a nap when I get home.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Let's go Jenny!
I am working on my midterm. It is supposed to be a minimum of 1 1/2 pages. It is really not as difficult as I am trying to make it. I have spent several hours on it already and am feeling slightly ridiculous. I am very tired. Thankfully, I only need to write about two more stories, then write my intro and closing. It is bound to be longer than two pages. It is also bound to be past 11 before I finish. Thankfully there are no presentations tomorrow and we're supposed to watch Peter Pan. I will probably be dozing.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
You can't make me. Nyah.
I am rebelling. I have to give two presentations tomorrow on Alice's Adventures in Wonderland but I already used up all my good behavior on dinner. I did have cheese bread but I counted it against my total allowed calories of the day and did not have enough left for Marie's ranch dressing. Sigh. I was good, and now I'm not interested in being good any longer. I did not have a Diet Pepsi today but I did have coffee this morning so I cannot blame my headache on a lack of caffeine. Garrrgghghhh. There is a small Diet Pepsi calling me from the fridge but I do want to sleep tonight. In fact, I'd better get cracking on these presentations so I can pass out early tonight. Whine while whimper whimper waah waah waaahhh. AND guess what. The teacher was unaware of Monday being a holiday when she made the syllabus so she had to change things around today. Our midterm was originally scheduled for June 1, which is funny because the class ends on June 2. She didn't know what the hell that was about either. So now the midterm is rescheduled but also changed to a take home essay. That's due Thursday, so we'll get the question tomorrow and have... tomorrow night to answer it. If I ever go back to school at any point ever, somebody please remind me never to take a class that's this compressed again.
Monday, May 23, 2011
YES! (Sort of.)
After the random craziness of the early afternoon, we ran home so I could drop Chris off, pick Ant up, and run to my appointment at the College of Liberal Arts. I used my brand new parking pass. Eh? Eh?
I was supposed to take five classes this summer when it made sense, to take one in the mini term, then two at a time in the first and second terms. Instead, to keep the GI Bill through the fall, I had to drop two classes from the summer... and today I went to find out if I really had to add both to my fall schedule. Six classes would be... a lot. Fortunately, my advisor advised me today that I only have to take five! Can you believe I'm celebrating five classes in the fall semester? Yeah, me neither, but comparatively, it's good news. Plus this can be anything that's a 3 or 400 level class. I could take 1) whatever fits in perfectly with my existing schedule and 2) whatever sounds interesting. Let's hope that this added 5th class in the fall will not be like the added 5th class from last fall that turned out to be rather painful. Big money, no whammies.
I was supposed to take five classes this summer when it made sense, to take one in the mini term, then two at a time in the first and second terms. Instead, to keep the GI Bill through the fall, I had to drop two classes from the summer... and today I went to find out if I really had to add both to my fall schedule. Six classes would be... a lot. Fortunately, my advisor advised me today that I only have to take five! Can you believe I'm celebrating five classes in the fall semester? Yeah, me neither, but comparatively, it's good news. Plus this can be anything that's a 3 or 400 level class. I could take 1) whatever fits in perfectly with my existing schedule and 2) whatever sounds interesting. Let's hope that this added 5th class in the fall will not be like the added 5th class from last fall that turned out to be rather painful. Big money, no whammies.
Today So Far
Wake up at 6:30, do not hit snooze alarm for once. Take shower, tell Chris its time to get up. Chris shakes his head no.
Go to school, wait outside with 3 other classmates for someone to unlock building door. One classmate breaks out frisbee, starts playing with other classmate. Game continues maybe two minutes before frisbee owner breaks frisbee during extreme catch. Someone opens door.
Four classmates proceed to class, no one there. Half of class + teacher is missing. Classmates wait, wonder how long before they can leave without getting into trouble. Teacher arrives. Two more classmates show up very late.
Try to stay awake. Teacher says she's sure students hung over from weekend. During break, teacher goes up to office, brings down very tiny, very full pot of coffee, cups, sweetener, creamer, spoons, and cookies.
Class ends, have to pee, go see if Chris is outside yet. He is, so get into Dodge and listen to one side of phone conversation. Direct Chris with hand signals to the transportation office. Miss turn, attempt to redirect, get Chris stuck in dead end parking lot. Redirect again, make it to transportation office. Chris ends phone call, go in, begin filling out form, Chris talks about work, gets cut off because transportation lady is ready. Buy parking pass.
Leave transportation office, Chris lays out day's schedule- includes 1:00 meeting. Listen to another phone call, pull into Sonic, pee. Back in Dodge, Chris still on phone, hasn't ordered. Impatiently point to clock. Chris leaves Sonic, ends phone call, drives to Burger King, orders food, drives thru, drives towards Starbucks for 1:00 meeting. Visit with Chris. Chris answers another phone call, pulls into center of parking lot, puts car in park, starts to get out. Ask what the hell, Chris says take car. Ask where and why, since not enough time to do anything. Chris parks.
Get out, tell Chris to save seat, want to take picture of self in crazy mural on wall by Starbucks, be inside in moment. Chris says no, cannot sit together, going to business meeting. Roll eyes, take picture. Wonder if kosher to sit in Starbucks without buying drink, decide against it. Roll down windows, sit in car, type blog. Scary criminal type walks by Dodge, slows to look at keys in ignition, evaluates female with laptop inside vehicle. Wait until criminal is out of sight, lock doors, roll up windows halfway, hide keys. Roast in car.
Move Diet Coke out of sun, set on center console. As Diet Coke gets emptier, wonder if wind will blow over, spilling soda onto Chris's seat. Decide this would be okay.
Go to school, wait outside with 3 other classmates for someone to unlock building door. One classmate breaks out frisbee, starts playing with other classmate. Game continues maybe two minutes before frisbee owner breaks frisbee during extreme catch. Someone opens door.
Four classmates proceed to class, no one there. Half of class + teacher is missing. Classmates wait, wonder how long before they can leave without getting into trouble. Teacher arrives. Two more classmates show up very late.
Try to stay awake. Teacher says she's sure students hung over from weekend. During break, teacher goes up to office, brings down very tiny, very full pot of coffee, cups, sweetener, creamer, spoons, and cookies.
Class ends, have to pee, go see if Chris is outside yet. He is, so get into Dodge and listen to one side of phone conversation. Direct Chris with hand signals to the transportation office. Miss turn, attempt to redirect, get Chris stuck in dead end parking lot. Redirect again, make it to transportation office. Chris ends phone call, go in, begin filling out form, Chris talks about work, gets cut off because transportation lady is ready. Buy parking pass.
Leave transportation office, Chris lays out day's schedule- includes 1:00 meeting. Listen to another phone call, pull into Sonic, pee. Back in Dodge, Chris still on phone, hasn't ordered. Impatiently point to clock. Chris leaves Sonic, ends phone call, drives to Burger King, orders food, drives thru, drives towards Starbucks for 1:00 meeting. Visit with Chris. Chris answers another phone call, pulls into center of parking lot, puts car in park, starts to get out. Ask what the hell, Chris says take car. Ask where and why, since not enough time to do anything. Chris parks.
Get out, tell Chris to save seat, want to take picture of self in crazy mural on wall by Starbucks, be inside in moment. Chris says no, cannot sit together, going to business meeting. Roll eyes, take picture. Wonder if kosher to sit in Starbucks without buying drink, decide against it. Roll down windows, sit in car, type blog. Scary criminal type walks by Dodge, slows to look at keys in ignition, evaluates female with laptop inside vehicle. Wait until criminal is out of sight, lock doors, roll up windows halfway, hide keys. Roast in car.
Move Diet Coke out of sun, set on center console. As Diet Coke gets emptier, wonder if wind will blow over, spilling soda onto Chris's seat. Decide this would be okay.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Yay!
I'm up. It's too early for me to be up, but here I am. I am having anxiety about not completing my food log. Yes, really. I also had a dream where I cut the van horizontally and couldn't find the bottom half. That was seriously distressing.
I think what's happening is that some worries seem to have been moved off the table but I still have the behavior pattern. Mindfulness certainly helped and I'm still in the process of absorbing some of those lessons. The lightbulb for me was tapping into the physical feelings. I'm sure that when things actually go terribly wrong I'll feel a lot of the same sensations, but most of the time the sensations indicate that my brain is just telling me stories. I haven't had any sleepless nights over money in some time, and it's not like the money problems have disappeared- I just don't seem to be panicking over them anymore. My second largest constant fear was my body deteriorating. That one's not stressing me out anymore either. I'm not sure if doing something about it resolved the anxiety or if deciding not to agonize over them allowed me to do something. Either way, I'll take it.
The money is still not where I'd like it to be, but I have enough to pay the bills and this time I did a pretty good job making it last through the end of the semester. And I know exactly where the leak is- which ties in wonderfully to the health problems- food. I've got this belief that everything I ever eat should taste wonderful and be exactly what I want. I can justify the hell out of going out to eat and then I don't have anything left for the fun things I want to do like the monster truck rally or the camel races. I have to remind myself that I'm not going to remember what I ate.
So this time I budgeted better and (Well, I also got financial aid and didn't have to live on next to nothing.) I feel okay about most of my choices. Except the food, but we already talked about that. As for my health, I'm in the third of several classes meant to improve my well-being. I'm thinking about looking for a yoga class once financial aid rolls in. As for the things I can't take care of yet, whenever I have a horrible feeling I remind myself that I'm almost done with school and will soon have a job with benefits, dammit. Well, I'll even amend that. Benefits will take a while to kick in, but the main thing anyway is that I'll have a job, dammit. Steady, regular income.
And oh by the way, Chris and I have been watching the funds, not treating ourselves to sushi, and very aware that there would be no income through most of May. Then Friday we was suddenly called to do a gig. These kind of surprises happen enough that I'm starting to believe Chris when he promises that everything will be fine. I'm looking at numbers and dates and I just don't see it, but Chris has faith in what can't be seen. It mirrors what Dad is always telling me too- just visualize the result you want and stop trying to decide that it can't be done.
Yesterday Chris came home for a few hours just to return the Dodge and change his clothes. He talked to his boss on the phone and told me the boss would be dropping by to pick up some speaker or something. We both charged into action, first policing the living room and then getting into some deep cleaning. Chris thinks Ant has been sweeping dirt under the rug; I think it's possible that we just haven't picked it up in that long. Poor Bubba was dismayed to learn our Saturday plans but helped out a lot. Within two hours, maybe less, we finished the living room, the kitchen, the Pickle Parlor, the front and back porches and the storage shed. Okay, those last two still need help but Chris was on a rampage and tore through most of it. I'm not the one who thinks the back is not done- that's Chris. We were washing baseboards and vacuuming the front porch, it was a sudden crazy clean. That's exactly what I've been asking for and I'm so excited to hang out in the living room now. Chris even cleaned up his studio detritus off the shelves, dusted, and carefully replaced cables and caca with the elephants and picture frames that lived there first. :D I didn't expect anything to happen with the Pickle Parlor (which was a disaster) but he tore through it with the vacuum. It got clean enough that last night I went in and worked on my last four books. Now I only have one page to fix before I can start putting them all together.
Oh, and Chris's boss never showed up. But the house is clean!
I just heard from Chris, he is packing up and heading home. It's nice that he's up and moving early- he is trying to be home in time for us to go to the Turkish Festival in town. I'm off!
I think what's happening is that some worries seem to have been moved off the table but I still have the behavior pattern. Mindfulness certainly helped and I'm still in the process of absorbing some of those lessons. The lightbulb for me was tapping into the physical feelings. I'm sure that when things actually go terribly wrong I'll feel a lot of the same sensations, but most of the time the sensations indicate that my brain is just telling me stories. I haven't had any sleepless nights over money in some time, and it's not like the money problems have disappeared- I just don't seem to be panicking over them anymore. My second largest constant fear was my body deteriorating. That one's not stressing me out anymore either. I'm not sure if doing something about it resolved the anxiety or if deciding not to agonize over them allowed me to do something. Either way, I'll take it.
The money is still not where I'd like it to be, but I have enough to pay the bills and this time I did a pretty good job making it last through the end of the semester. And I know exactly where the leak is- which ties in wonderfully to the health problems- food. I've got this belief that everything I ever eat should taste wonderful and be exactly what I want. I can justify the hell out of going out to eat and then I don't have anything left for the fun things I want to do like the monster truck rally or the camel races. I have to remind myself that I'm not going to remember what I ate.
So this time I budgeted better and (Well, I also got financial aid and didn't have to live on next to nothing.) I feel okay about most of my choices. Except the food, but we already talked about that. As for my health, I'm in the third of several classes meant to improve my well-being. I'm thinking about looking for a yoga class once financial aid rolls in. As for the things I can't take care of yet, whenever I have a horrible feeling I remind myself that I'm almost done with school and will soon have a job with benefits, dammit. Well, I'll even amend that. Benefits will take a while to kick in, but the main thing anyway is that I'll have a job, dammit. Steady, regular income.
And oh by the way, Chris and I have been watching the funds, not treating ourselves to sushi, and very aware that there would be no income through most of May. Then Friday we was suddenly called to do a gig. These kind of surprises happen enough that I'm starting to believe Chris when he promises that everything will be fine. I'm looking at numbers and dates and I just don't see it, but Chris has faith in what can't be seen. It mirrors what Dad is always telling me too- just visualize the result you want and stop trying to decide that it can't be done.
Yesterday Chris came home for a few hours just to return the Dodge and change his clothes. He talked to his boss on the phone and told me the boss would be dropping by to pick up some speaker or something. We both charged into action, first policing the living room and then getting into some deep cleaning. Chris thinks Ant has been sweeping dirt under the rug; I think it's possible that we just haven't picked it up in that long. Poor Bubba was dismayed to learn our Saturday plans but helped out a lot. Within two hours, maybe less, we finished the living room, the kitchen, the Pickle Parlor, the front and back porches and the storage shed. Okay, those last two still need help but Chris was on a rampage and tore through most of it. I'm not the one who thinks the back is not done- that's Chris. We were washing baseboards and vacuuming the front porch, it was a sudden crazy clean. That's exactly what I've been asking for and I'm so excited to hang out in the living room now. Chris even cleaned up his studio detritus off the shelves, dusted, and carefully replaced cables and caca with the elephants and picture frames that lived there first. :D I didn't expect anything to happen with the Pickle Parlor (which was a disaster) but he tore through it with the vacuum. It got clean enough that last night I went in and worked on my last four books. Now I only have one page to fix before I can start putting them all together.
Oh, and Chris's boss never showed up. But the house is clean!
I just heard from Chris, he is packing up and heading home. It's nice that he's up and moving early- he is trying to be home in time for us to go to the Turkish Festival in town. I'm off!
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