I feel so doughy and it's depressing, but there are many logical reasons and even wins in that. There's the whole pandemic and needing to stay home, all the telework and grazing, and not many options for going out and trying new things. I was trying to reconcile grief and hope through almost all of 2019 already- 2020 was supposed to be better. Instead I lost my love and access to my therapist just as COVID hit the US. There is no one to help me pay bills or make food or wash the dishes or take the trash out or run to the store or anything to keep myself and my home and my animals running except me. That takes up a lot of time. And these animals have also struggled this year. We've been at the vet a lot and processed an assortment of prescriptions. Half my department at work left. Lots of people I love are having babies, which makes me sad for not getting to my goals or having someone to share them with. It is entirely understandable that I consoled myself in some of the few comforts available: warm water and food.
But you know what I didn't do? I didn't smoke. After I put Riley down I drank vodka and got myself a pack of cigarettes. I only smoked that one and that was the last one. It used to be my first thought when something awful happened. I have been in slow, shitty grief for two years and haven't once been tempted to smoke. That is a win! You may not know how hard it is to get to that, but it often takes years, repeated tries, and resisting an eternal longing. Congrats, Jenny, on not smoking.
I'm legitimately proud of myself for many things, but right now the piece I'm happiest for is the exercise program through the VA. It's to help overcome significant obstacles and I just did not think about how much of an obstacle being on insulin is. I should say that I knew how big it was, I'm just used to navigating around it. This very sensible and knowledgeable person is helping me navigate not around, but through. It feels different to look at it that way, and I'm finding stability and success. I'm grateful for the coach, the program, and that I kept looking.
I made four attempts to hire a virtual personal trainer online before I found that program. I was so frustrated that I was reaching out and getting no response. I figured it must be the wrong time or the wrong person. I even found someone who sounded amazing and I was really excited to get started. When that didn't happen, it felt like the universe was just smacking my plans down. I am proud of myself for continuing to look even though it was feeling very discouraging.
Shame doesn't work. So this must be something else.
