Love these girls...

It is SUPER windy outside, and I just came home to find Riley curled up on my bed with Jasmine. They moved apart a little because Jasmine has a camera phone phobia now, but this is the weirdest thing because Riley rarely jumps up here anymore unless she's on a cookie search. Riley is not fond of storms, and would normally hide in her kennel, so I think perhaps she sought refuge with her big little sister. Now I just want to cuddle them all day.

Two Beer Blog

Ok, so that was a one beer blog, now let's try a two beer blog.

Occasionally, the sadness hits again and there isn't much to do but ride that through. I wish I had nicer things to report on that front.

But here's the thing: I am always going to have those feelings.

I share this because it's better to get it out, and this is how I do that.


But let me tell you how my first full week at my new job went.

I am seriously exhausted. I have so much to do, and it's nice. The former library guy retired in December, and a few people have been manning the PERC while still doing their real jobs, so they have been stressed and no one's really sure how personnel is structured, where the lines are, and who reports where. The retiree lost enthusiasm after he didn't get a job he wanted, and that was a long time ago, so all sorts of short-sighted behavior has gone on for way too long. Everyone was hoping for the new Library Tech to liven up the place with enthusiasm. One of the nurses who teaches the New Patient Orientation class ran up and hugged me when she learned there was finally a new PERC person. All the people involved have been very welcoming and encouraging. I'm going to need to wear walking shoes every day and put my feet up every night. I am going to need to hone my organization skills and wean myself down to one calendar. I will have to practice leaving work at work- today I had to actively unfurrow my brow on the way home. A colleague has been cleaning out the PERC office, but there is still so much stuff left from this guy... I found an empty VA frame meant to hold Polaroid pictures. Polaroids! Oh, and spoons. Unwashed, left over from random lunches. Scattered throughout the drawers. And oh god, the drawers. I have a lot of projects going- one of which is to clean all that out, but people are sending scheduling requests and there are work orders and permissions and accounts and phone calls and people stopping by to get help or provide help or say hi and it will be a while before I am really settled in. Today, one of the work studies finished the drawers for me and I'm still doing a happy dance. He threw out things that my inner recycler/thrift donator did not have time for, consolidated the 45 boxes of Kleenex and toner cartridges and My HealtheVet pamphlets and red permanent markers and Happy Birthday supplies and everything else that guy was hoarding for 11+ years and made sense of it. The difference that makes is phenomenal, and when I see him next week, I will tell him that again. I unburied over half my desk today and crossed several items off my to-do list. I also got the ok to attend the Volunteer Appreciation Ceremony, and I am very happy about that, as those people are actively helpful and knowledgeable and awesome. There are some pre-existing issues and anticipation of power struggles among the various departments involved, and I am going to need a sturdy diplomatic hat, but I think we are headed in a constructive direction. I have been learning about the problems over the week, but today I had very encouraging conversations with all three parties. I've got a strategy. I never thought I would say that about anything.

It's minor chaos in there, but minor chaos is fun. There is a lot of responsibility, but nothing so serious as performing a tracheotomy or doing a senator's taxes. I can help people in a variety of ways, and even with such a mix of schedules and departments, I feel like there is already a team in place and no one really recognizes that. Yet.

My therapist said today that I am going to do well as a diplomat in this job because I am not reactive. I was like, "Wait, have you met me?" but she pointed out that I take time to ruminate and after much contemplation, I realized that she was right. (Ha ha ha ha ha ha... ahhhhhh. Jennyway.)

It's fun. I like juggling. It's a nice change of pace from having to do one thing over and over and over. Even once I get settled, there will be so much to learn and track and manage that I think I will be busy for a long time. And also today, I talked with the person who manages volunteers. We talked a lot about the creation of the current situation and possible changes, but she assured me that manpower is not in short supply. She said she can get me all the people I need. When do you ever hear that?

It's good. Today, my boss was explaining that we had to go over my position description in case I was utterly horrified for some reason and wanted to decline the job. I asked her if that would mean going back to the Call Center. "I suppose," she said, then cracked up when she saw my expression. "I'll stick it out here," I replied with a grin.

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

"What exactly are the issues with Chris needing to be addressed?"

I wish I could tell you, desperate stalker girl sending me messages on Facebook. That's what he told her he was doing with me, and I guess he wasn't offering any other information, so she tried intimidating me. I sent the message to Chris and told him to deal with it and leave me out of it. If I had thought it through first, I would have told her to stop writing in passive voice.

Do I have you all up in arms now? Yeah, me too. This is batshit ridiculous, and I don't mean the other stupid, desperate girl- I mean me. What was I doing with him? Talking about the past, and being sad that it didn't work. My counselor called herself my therapist today, so I guess that's what I should be calling her. She talked to me today about the difference between normal, understandable, unavoidable pain, and prolonged, unnecessary, masochistic pain. Guess which one I'm good at?

It feels like things aren't that much different- we still enjoy each other's company, still feel most at ease together. He's like my second skin. Nothing else feels so much like home. But friendship feels off, and the way I can't help but hope- even knowing that's a bad and unexecutable plan- means that I get hurt. I cannot treat this like a friendship. It's not, of course, and it's even more one-sided than it was when we were together. And now, the girls are out in the open- sending me fucking Facebook messages! More pain, more shitty behavior.

In my heart, I know there's somebody better for me. Mom- read this again before we talk. I know there is someone who will behave much better- whose actions will line up with his words. I'm pissed, though- even though it was his decision to end it, he never will. I'll have to be the one to cut it.

My therapist said we're still in a relationship, and he still comes to me to fill the holes- I'm still one of his girls. Don't worry- that turns my stomach too.

I wish, I wish, I wish...

And.

And changes are happening. My life is taking a new direction, even as I drag my feet. My new job is a dramatic change, and I've got a lot of powerful, positive people around me. How can I help but become one?

I'm trying hard to put this down. I'm trying, I'm trying.

Who doesn't love aviation metaphors?

Brief check-in before bedtime:

The job so far is good. Better than good. I am currently feeling scattered and flustered about it, but who cares, because it's challenging and keeps me busy and the day zips by! This is just that first full week of training and being "on" and being exhausted. There is always that one person who means well, but who is actually creating more drama and difficulty, but that is a minor price to pay for a raise and some freedom and being surrounded by positive, giving people who are actively interested in collaboration. It's good.

But I'm tired, and it's only Tuesday. The rest of the week will fly by, I'm sure, and Chris coming back to town created inevitable drama, and I totally did get caught up in the wake turbulence. You know what's interesting, though? I am still upright and holding my course. Maybe that doesn't surprise you. I'm not necessarily surprised, but saddened. Not crying, not depressed, not derailed. Ok, maybe a little derailed, if it's possible to only be derailed a little bit. I cannot yet avoid the jet wash, but I am learning how to fly through it.

So for this week, the challenge is to get through. I've got a mess of things brought home from the Call Center: things to be sorted through, tossed, donated, put away, brought to the new job. I have things in the fridge that need to be cooked and things that need to be thrown out. I have animals that need love and exercise. I have a knee that hurts and muscles that are tired of holding a chair form. I have homework I have assigned myself from Ant's old schoolbooks and an unreasonable to-do list. I am feeling ridiculously overwhelmed, but I know two things: I will get used to my new schedule and responsibilities at my new job, and I will get through this week and the next imperfectly but successfully. Success as defined as alive and optimistic.

All systems go.