Saturday, May 4, 2013

Time out

I am curled up on the couch under a comforter. I just watched the end of Django Unchained and I am STILL trying to warm up from the football game.  I associate football with cold weather, but sheesh, it's May! It started to rain before I left, so I put on a long sleeve, a vest, the fleece liner AND the jacket and froze my heinie off anyway. Actually, my heinie was warm, but my feet, hands, and head were not. My poor arms were good when I was watching the movie, but now I understand the need for a Snuggie.

What a day. Riley and I went to the advanced class full of big dogs and we were both challenged. We came home exhausted, but she did so well! She did some tough training today with some seriously huge dogs. I did not realize just how big (and loud) bloodhounds are. It was some hard work anyway, but among big dogs, new people, and a new trainer, plus it was a Saturday afternoon (super busy!) AND they were hosting an adoption event. It was crazy.

As for the football game, it was this women's league my coworker plays for, and she invited me to come. I went to yet another event alone- go me- and ran into Jenea's cousin, so we hung out during the second half. That was nice.

Look at me go! But tomorrow, watch me stay home. This social butterfly is retreating to her cocoon.

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Friday, May 3, 2013

Dance Review

Well, if that didn't just make up for the day.

New trend in my life: I say I want to go do something... and I go do it.  I love this feeling and must capture it.

A few years ago, I found an article in the Reno News & Review about the local theater season- what was on where, how much, and a review of each play.  I think that year I only made it to the Seussical musical, but I brought Ant.  Ever since, I've had my eyes peeled for affordable shows.  I love going to pretty much anything except concerts at the Knitting Factory, but then, I'm not big on standing on a concrete floor for hours holding my coat and my purse, trying to test with one hand, looking like a flamingo while I try to rest one of my two hurting feet, being leaned on by drunk people.  But okay, I saw Primus and Ani there.  Different times, of course, but Chris and I always thought the two of them would make some interesting political music together.

I had to go to UNR's spring dance concert in... wow, was that 2010?  Must have been, because I had to write a paper on it.  Apparently I have missed it for the last two years, and I also have yet to catch their version of the choreography contest- I really want to see that.  I have come to UNR to watch dance, theater, and music- remember when I took Ant and Chris with me to watch Hamlet in the original pronunciation?  HAHAHAHAHA  They did really good- both of them, and we had a good discussion afterwards, but I could not understand much and neither could they.  It sure showed that language is not that important to know what's going on in a play.

But Jennyway.  I'm at home on my couch, I've had my beer (finally), and I am about to tell you about UNR's 2013 Spring Dance Concert.  If anyone other than Tracy finds dance reviews interesting, read on.


You ought to Google some Cari Cunningham.  She was a guest speaker/instructor during my Dance Criticism (what the hell was it called) class.  Her work is characterized by synchronized ladies doing unsynchronized things.  They're usually drifting around the stage perpendicular to each other, flopping and bowing like awakened dolls.  The first dance, Larger Than Life, had these dolls dressed up like 50's housewives with their feet in paper grocery bags.  They would smile and take imaginary things out of the bags like they were unloading groceries, and strewn around the stage were more grocery bags, closed and folded to look like houses with a little door cut open in front to show a battery-powered candle.  Stepping in and out of the grocery bags, or shuffling around in them, then picking up some of the house bags and putting them on their heads, these dancing live dolls rejected the pretty picture and wondered who they were, really.  A couple of the houses were crushed and stomped on a little; the others were left intact.

Cari's second dance was called Fractured Whole, and had more of those Cari elements which always includes some really neat music.  The song is a crescendo that starts very disharmonic and seemingly unrelated, but creates a sentence by adding layers.  I thought the first dance was more Cari and more interesting, but what I liked about this one was that as the music built up and up, the girls onstage picked up the beat and really got into it.  It looked like it was fun to dance.

Barbara Land is the head UNR dance lady who is retiring and choreographed two of the dances.  She's also who taught my class.  I think I was more impressed by her in 2010.  This year she choreographed Kaleidoscope, which showcased pretty ballerinas to guitar music.  The music was a good choice and the dance was lively, but I was always bored by the pretty ballerina dances.  Her other dance was New Beginnings, which is appropriate because she is retiring to go work in the Amazon full time, as she has been doing part time for years, but this dance was odd.  All the girls were dressed up in pink skirt versions of the Arabian costume, complete with the veil and the coins that made noise as they shimmied across the stage.  What was weird was seeing the arms doing these snakelike motions while the legs did their classic ballerina toe shoes moves.  The other weird thing is that they all stayed in a group, doing moves together or in lines like... classic ballerina moves.  I was waiting for the weirdness, the writhing to begin, but they never separated or did anything to create a  balance with unevenness.  I was also confused to see at least half of these girls in soft shoes.  I know she is used to having to make pretty dances for her ballerinas, but I swear the dances I saw before were more interesting.

Kristen Avansino.  Google her.  She was also one of my guest speakers in class.  Cari has this approachability, but Kristen is a little out there.  I remember the girls in my class (mostly dancers) talking about how weird Kristen was.  One dancer agreed, but said she loves dancing her stuff.  I agreed upon seeing her 2010 dance full of Amazon warriors.  Her dances are comprised of delightful, buggy, alien weirdness.  Nobody knows what the hell is going on during an Avansino dance.  You should have heard the audience members around me.  Her dance is called The Wake Up and comes with an explanation: "Together but alone. Two and Three confront two forces which ignite an awakening."  Yes, what the hell does that mean?  It doesn't help explain the dance.  It could have just as easily described the foods I eat when I wake up crashing and my brain's too slow to think reasonably.  One thing I've noticed about her dances is that it looks like she peruses the costume department, picks out all the things she likes, then tries to figure out how they could possibly work together.  One dancer had this beautiful long magenta tutu (What do you call a long tutu?) and everyone else wore bulky black spacesuit shirts (that looked like they had cargo pockets storing lots of important space tools) and moved slowly around the stage.  At one point, our fearless astronauts (sitting on children's chairs in a circle) put on caps with little mirrors all over them.  Any audience members still trying to take it seriously gave up at that point.  Ah, but there's something so wonderful about this.  There's something for everyone: pretty ballerinas, contemporary feminist statements, and complete and utter weirdness.  How fun is that?

But this dance concert also featured special guest artists from Giordano Dance Chicago, and holy shit were you right, Tracy.  They were AMAZING.  Fabulous dancers, but AGGGHHH the choreography.  Least favorite was Wings, which seemed to describe the male dancer's pants.  Hang on while I have my own laugh at that.  This was one where I appreciated the dancer's ability more than the choreography.  Second favorite was Gravity, which felt like every other couple's dance until these unbelievably sexy, feeling-like-we're-intruding, yielding moves towards the end.  Wow.  By FAR the best was the excerpt from Sabroso.  I saw how important arms and specifically hands are in Latin dancing and this was so good that it looked like a couple just out dancing together spontaneously.  There were many moves like from the Sugar Plum pas de deux, but the way they put complicated lifts back to back to back was phenomenal.  Everyone was hooting and hollering after that, and some of them couldn't wait until the end.

And then there's this surprise at the end by Martin Ortiz Tapia, who is from the GDC, called La ruta a sequir.  It was performed by UNR dancers and made me think of spring.  The music was fun, the dancing was light and interesting, and the costumes were all earthy but different.  They got into the beat on that one too, and were clearly having too much fun.  The weirdest part (Take note, Kristen) was when these two guys ran in, each holding a girl up by her neck alone.  The girls were lying back, resting all their weight on their guy's hand, but with their knees bent and running along backwards to keep up.  Shins straight up, the rest of them parallel to the floor.  If this conjures up some bizarre Dali image, imagine how weird it was to see it in person.  I just looked up "la ruta a sequir" and it means "the way forward."  Kristen, someone has taken your cake.

It's getting better all the time... better, better, better


If I understand that it’s done, how come I have the urge to vomit when I catch a glimpse of that tramp?

Yeah, I know, because it was brutal.  I try not to, but oh, how I enjoy thoughts of what she’s in for.

I had a great class with Riley the other night.  Riley’s classmate called out, so I asked if we could work on some specific problems we have.  Riley has always been squirmy about being picked up, and sometimes she struggles so hard that I worry she’s going to fall.  She seems to have trouble with the stairs in the morning and often smacks her legs when getting in and out of the car.  The trainer worked with us on how to get her used to being supported differently, pointing out that she is longer than she is taller- something I don’t think I ever recognized.  I found that she clearly feels more supported now.  It’s going to take some practice, but as she’s getting older, we’re going to have to get used to her being carried more.  That makes me even more encouraged to make her lose some weight.

Tracy, you need to get here already.  There are too many days between now and then.

I’m kind of mad right now because I got told about some notifications that were coming that could mean a nice chunk to put in my bank account.  The way it was presented to me, it was as if it could be counted on.  I knew better, but couldn’t help but get my hopes up.  My hopes have been up for two days now, and just got the email that it’s no dice for me.  If I had gotten that email out of the blue, I would have shrugged and gone back to work.  Instead, I’m very disappointed.  Thanks for telling me about that!  I feel SOOOOOO much better now.  Trying to find humor, only able to muster sarcasm.

Redirection.

Things are still as they were, which was not at all bad.  Not perfect, but totally workable.  People have always and will always say more than they should and you are hardly innocent of that, either.  Chris is an idiot.  It’s Friday.  The apprentice program is interesting and helpful, and it’s neat to have homework again.  Look, you’re busy!  You’re having scheduling conflicts!  And at some point tonight, you’ll be able to curl up on the couch with a beer and watch the rest of Django Unchained.  You could even start it over from the beginning because it’s the weekend and you don’t have to worry about getting to bed at a decent hour.  There are good things ahead and good things already!  If you know those two will suffer the karma they’ve earned, you’d better also believe in your own karma.  This is already better, isn’t it?

Lately, Riley and I just find a place in the shade and sit and listen to the birds and enjoy being outside.  There’s always a breeze (this is Reno, after all) and we watch the cars go by.  Sometimes we meet little dogs.  Sometimes we shade-hop around the block.  I love it when I get home early and we get to sit outside while everyone is still at work.  Those are happy, happy moments and even when I’m sad, I lean back and look up through the branches of a tree and watch the leaves wave and the sadness goes away.  Being outside helps with being present.  Sometimes I have to take Riley for a walk because I’m too sad inside.

Being at work makes me think of all the things that are not done.

But I know what I need to do.  I have my list.  Progress is happening.  For now, just hang on.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Pick again

Some elaborate lawn game between the neighborhood kids was paused as the teams picked names. The first suggestions were The Shady Ladies and The Sunshine Boys. Hee hee hee.

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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

My favorite face

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Solid ground


Currently- as in right at this moment- I am feeling good.  Lots of conflicting thoughts have been showing up lately and arguing with each other, but good news!  I currently feel sane.  Reopening this can of worms was awful, as you’ve been reading or skipping over, but here I am on the other side of it feeling more sure of myself.  The hurt remains and will for a while because this was beyond fucked up and I love and miss the people who were my family and my life.  I miss my sweet yet challenging dog and I miss all the things I worked hard for that I got to leave behind for other people to trash.  But I LOVE my apartment and everything in it.  If I find I don’t love something anymore, I donate it.  I clean up after myself and take care of myself and my animals.  I read.  I just realized the other day that I don’t need decoy scissors anymore.  Or decoy tweezers, tape, measuring spoons, measuring cups, drinking glasses, pans, towels, or other household objects that routinely disappeared, only to show up months later in some disgusting project that I did not want it back from.  This saves me so much ire and money!  Just one more nice thing.  And good- there are so many sad, appalling things about this that it’s nice when the nice things occur to me.

Thanks, Tracy, for answering the phone and not rolling your eyes too often when you have to repeat yourself.

I got all excited, thinking I would take Ant to go see Catching Fire, until I found out it’s not coming out until November.  But I can see him- we can make plans for other things and we can talk.  That feels so much better.  And while this recent stirring made me pretty upset, I am emerging on the other side of it feeling more secure and resolute.  That feels good.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Agony Review

Well, I just talked to Mom and wouldn't you know it, I'm in trouble for reopening this can of worms. But did you really think it would be that easy to let it go? My whole pattern is to take care of them; it is automatic, instinctive behavior, and I think it would feel awful to completely stop. I am glad that there is a clear line for them both between me there and me gone, that they've both gotten to see that life is not so peachy as they thought it would be. That is both validating and horrifying for me. I don't want either one of them to be unhappy. Almost everyone has advised a clean break except for my counselor, who told me from the beginning that while that would be ideal, there was no way it would happen in this situation. It's very true that this is gradual and messy and unavoidably painful. I do have hope that Chris will pull himself out of this miserable behavior because I want him and Ant to be together and happy, whether that's just the two of them or with someone who loves them both- someone who is capable of standing on her own and expects him to do the same.

I have my unreasonable, ridiculous hopes, but I know they are useless and I don't have any real expectations, just hurt. That's fine and that's expected. But the truth is that I don't want to be treated unfairly or feel that frustrated again, as much as I love both of them. My heart can't take it and my brain won't allow it. I want to be with someone I can trust. At some point in my unrest last night I heard a sentence on Book Radio:

It's not enough to love something- you have to take care of it.

Good grief. Can it be any clearer than that? Well, I did my part, that's for sure. I'm grateful that so many of you are wary for me and warning me of what you are completely right about. I'm just incapable of not caring- even for Chris. That is a good quality, and I'm in no hurry to shed that, but I know that it's me I need to worry about being kind to and caring for.

So don't worry- I am. I'm still alone, wading through this and I'm not sliding backwards. Besides, there's nothing to slide back into- the only direction to go is forward. I'll be a friend because it's in line with who I want to be, and I'll be there for Ant because that commitment is forever. I'll open any can of worms for that.

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