Four thirty thoughts

Watched Cast Away last night- got it for Christmas. I first saw it with Mom and Marty in the theaters and I remember Mom wanting to talk about it. I did not want to talk about it because it had been a long movie that made me sad and I had to pee and two other major reasons:

1- I didn't know what I thought, and
2- I don't like anything at first.

Really.  I did not like Cake at first, then they became my favorite band. I am a judgmental asshole. It's getting better- in the class on Thursday, there was a girl who was trying to take the lead: be the know-it-all, the volunteer, the teacher's pet. She also kept trying to point out that she was by far the youngest and lowest grade person in attendance. Actually, there were two others that were probably very close in age and grade as well, and how insulting to disregard us? As the day progressed, I found that she would not look at me unless I was not looking at her or if I spoke to her directly. She didn't like me. Everyone else seemed fine with each other, and I wondered what was going on. The instructor talked a lot about forging relationships and being able to get along- even with the people who rubbed you wrong. I suppose it was that acknowledgement, and perhaps reading the results of my strengths finder, that made me watch this girl and try to figure out what the problem was. Normally, when I meet someone and I can tell they don't like me, well, I just don't like them right back! Oh yeah? So there!

What I saw gradually, throughout the day, was that she saw me as competition. I think that was more on the level of age and wanting to be the one who knew all the answers and already knew the point to all the exercises. She also clearly found herself to be the cutest thing in the room and mentioned that she had tried out for Miss America twice. (Snarky comment: I'm not sure sure I would admit to trying out if I didn't make it. Why is that an accomplishment? Anyway.) So in watching her, sure enough- I recognized things in myself that I did not like. Some things I feel I have largely overcome, such as the need to blurt out anything that comes to mind, as if everything you say is brilliant and relevant. Some things I envied, like her motivation and confidence, things that can be serious challenges for me.

Detachment helped me see all this, and yet I don't think I will always- or even often- be capable of not taking things personally. At least I got to see how much it helps. And I was not offended! How new is that?

Jennyway, so back to Cast Away. No good transition there, just thought that was neat. End of tangent.

Cast Away stuck with me, and I saw it two more times before last night. Each time, more stood out or revealed its relevance. Things like the title: it's Cast Away, not Castaway. Or why the movie is constructed the way it is- why it's so long and why it includes time before and after the island, or the weight of responsibility for another's life, even during a plane crash. This time, I was even more affected by the loss in relationships, both with Wilson and Kelly. It is funny to find yourself sobbing along with Chuck as he shouts apologies to a volleyball, but watching Wilson drift away into the enormous ocean is heartwrenching, and I found myself with an understanding of what that felt like.

At the end of the movie, Chuck is talking to a friend about losing hope on the island and the point at which he knew he had to keep breathing, to survive regardless of the outcome. He talks about how he was never going to get off the island, yet here he was with ice in his glass... and he'd lost Kelly all over again. He's suffered these profound losses- and who could imagine surviving all that to come back to a love that's moved on- and yet he's sitting there, calm, even though he has been cut loose and has no home to go to, no anchors. He tells his friend, "I know what I have to do," because he already learned it once on the island- he has to keep breathing. You'd think the biggest challenge of his life would be surviving on the island, but surprisingly, it's coming back home, finding there is none, and being able to suffer that without giving up entirely. He doesn't panic and the lesson is so deeply forged- drilled down to the core of basic needs- that it's almost automatic. He knows that tomorrow the sun will rise. "Who knows what the tide could bring?"

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Hope it's not freezing out there.

I go into the kitchen to nuke water for my tea and the inside of the microwave is already steamy.  I nuke my water, then someone walks in as I am carefully leaving the microwave door ajar.  I haven’t even walked through the door before they pointedly close the microwave.  If the door was hanging open or if he hadn’t seen me carefully leaving it barely ajar, I could understand that, but really, asshole?  Couldn’t even wait until I left the room?  This is one of those people who acts important and all-knowing.  I should have turned around, reopened it, and explained how office microwaves start to smell funky.  Turd.

I took Riley to PetSmart last night to sign her up for dog training classes.  I am very excited that I actually went and did that since it was on my list of things to do for this new year and- oh look!  I already signed up.  Go me.  I signed her up and then we wandered around the store.  Either I lost her sweater or she hid it from me and I was tired of feeling like a guilty dog mom taking her out in 11 degrees without one while I’m all bundled up.  The sweaters were 40% off and the dog food bags were fascinating.  We went up both sides of the dog food aisle and she sniffed every bag of food.  She found a couple pieces of kibble under the shelves.  When we came to her food, she looked up at me, like “Hey, I KNOW this one!”

Yesterday was the first class of the Apprentice Program.  Looks awesome.  I have homework again!  There are lots of opportunities and it’s all very overwhelming, but I think I’ll get signed up for whatever I can before I have a chance to freak out about it.  Two exciting things I learned yesterday:

1)      They did not accept everyone who applied.  How cool that I got in legitimately and not because of extra space?

2)      The instructor brought bagels and I happily found a plain one.  There was no butter, so I finally tried cream cheese.  Oh my god!  That’s so good!  I stole another one at the end of the class to take home with me.  Mmmmm.

I brought all my crap to work with me today thinking that I would be able to go through it and sort things out.  Instead, the phone is ringing off the hook.  I am going to go take a walk before my break ends and I find that I have been sitting in front of the computer the whole time and suddenly I have to sit in front of it some more and answer more phone calls.  ESCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!

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Smart Cookies

Riley and I have been playing the cookie game. Every night after we go out for the last potty, I break her Milk Bone in half and hide the pieces. Riley waits in the other room until I tell her to come in and then she searches for her cookies.

I love the cookie game because she works hard to find them, which is entertaining for both of us. I love watching her sniff around and check devious places where I might have hidden them. She gives me ideas from where she thinks to look. She uses her nose more than her eyes and if she can't find one, she'll huff at me.

I have such a good time watching her. She keeps jumping up on the bed, so I guess I should try hiding one in the blankets. By the way, now she ONLY uses the ottoman to get up and down off the bed. It must be a relief, because now she'll voluntarily come up to hang out for a while at night before heading off to her own bed.

So I'm congratulating Riley as she finds one cookie and encouraging her to find the other and I find that we are apparently not the only ones that want to play the cookie game. Solo has found the cookie, dragged it out into the middle of the floor, and disappeared.

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BORED for the last day, hopefully.

I don't usually bring leftovers for lunch because it means I'll have to walk past the creepy guy who makes inappropriate comments.  Actually, he doesn't make them anymore and acts as if I'm a bitch because I have been avoiding him and purposefully keeping our conversations as brief as possible.  The plan worked, but now I keep waiting for him to complain that I'm a bitch so I can call him out.  But Jennyway...

I could NOT drag my ass out of bed this morning, so I did not have much time to make lunch.  Ah!  Leftovers.  It is interesting to eat them without Riley staring at me or bonking her nose on my leg.

Tomorrow is the class, so tonight is ERRANDS, CHORES, YOGA, CLASS PREPARATION, NO FOOLING AROUND!  I cannot start a class with a messy house; I'm not sure why I find those two things related.  I need to feel prepared, I guess.  Tired from exercise so I can sleep.  Have a clean table to come home to so I can start my homework right away.  Have milk and bananas in the house so I can eat a normal breakfast.  I bought a new binder, tabs, and loose graph paper because I love it so much.  I really wanted to get a new notebook but I'm not sure what supplies they'll give us and what I'll need.  I'll buy a graph paper notebook too- I'll take any excuse.  We'll probably get a binder, but I got one that has a D-ring (much sturdier) and multiple cover pockets.  I'll use any excuse to buy a new binder, too.  But hey- when else can you buy new school supplies?  I ADORE school supplies.  I just bought a new planner, too.  It's called Mom's Planner, but even though I don't have that role anymore, I am still anal enough to need perforated pages with removeable grocery lists.

I should really go pee and get the coupons out of the car to match with this week's Smith's sale.  I need to get up and move or I will be ready to throw things five minutes into work time.  I can't believe the strengths I got.  They feel like they fit, but I was surprised by them.  Where is the organizer?  Maybe I'm too chaotic for that.  All I know is I need a different job because the monotony is killing me.

Hiyou'vereachedthecallcentermynameisJennyI'mansweringforSpecialtycanIhaveyourlastnameandlastfour?

And what can I do for you?

Ok, I can send the note over to them and ask them to reschedule that for you.  Can I let them know what days or times are good for you?

Ok, but if they call and miss you, they are going to leave you a message asking you to call back and you'll likely end up with me again.

Ok, if they follow that, can they go ahead and schedule it and send out the appointment card?

Ok, I'll send that over for you and you'll get the appointment information in the mail.  Can I help you with anything else?

You're welcome.  Have a good day.


Repeat that 50-60 times and you'll have most of my day, right there.

Perhaps clairvoyance is a hidden strength.

So I went out looking for pepper spray after work. I told a coworker about last night and he told me where I could look for pepper spray. (He also completely agreed with you, Mom, that I should report it.) I went to Big 5, which was the closest place he suggested, and they did not carry it anymore. The salesguy said Nevada now requires extra documentation on pepper spray and suggested other places that would likely still carry it.

"Then I'd like to look at the knives."

What if I couldn't find any pepper spray? I was not going home empty-handed. Don't worry, I got it on sale.

On my way to the next sports store, I tried to remember where I'd just seen pepper spray. It was at the auto parts store in Carson when I was running errands with Mike. That was Saturday. Suddenly it hits me- how odd was that?

Mike calls before I leave my apartment and says Elaine has to work for a few hours and he needs to run errands. Should he leave the door unlocked or did I want to go with him? I said I'd go along and when I got to Topaz, Rob handed me a twenty and asked if we'd pick up some antifreeze.

Mike and I hit a lot of stops, and he was tired when we got to Auto Zone, or wherever the hell we were. He asked if I'd go get the antifreeze. I did, and right by the counter was one pink bottle of pepper spray. I thought about it.

Two days later, I run into someone that gives me a very, very bad feeling.

I took my strengths finder assessment today for my apprentice program class that starts on Thursday. It said I should listen to my instincts, among other things. No kidding.

And yes, I found pepper spray. And reported this creepy situation. And got the number for the security folks that do random patrols through this complex.

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Still alarmed

For tonight's potty walk, I believe I'll carry my baseball bat. There goes my sense of security.

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Not funny at all

I am about to get myself a big dog. And pepper spray.

I just went to take Riley out and some guy walked over to me. It's already dark and he was wearing a black coat and smoking. People on their way to the mailbox skirt around us and ignore Riley and he did not. He walked towards me, even as I moved out of his way. I did not understand a single thing he said to me because alarm bells were going off and I was looking around me for other people. He tried to hand me something and it fell. I did not reach for it and neither did he. I kept trying to circle back away from him and he said something about this not being the same dog, like it was a mistake and he was looking for someone else. Maybe that was true, but there was something about him that I did not like, something that scared me. He said it must be another dog and I said it was funny, ha ha, like I do when I don't have anything else to say.

"Not funny," he said. "Convenient."

Holy shit.

I'll be buying some pepper spray tomorrow.

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Roller coaster of devastation

The distance between the couch and the chair is two lab butt widths.

It looked like I would be snowed in, but Rob, one of the regulars, got my car up the steep ass driveway with the help of chains and the ingenious idea of going up backwards to put the weight of the car on the cables. He tried going up forwards many times and watching my car slide down the driveway was alarming, but he was very careful and kept it from sliding out of control. It's a good thing he got me out yesterday- I'm not sure it would have helped to wait until today.

I wasn't going to write all that, but I started it yesterday. I was resigned to staying another day, had already let my boss know when Rob offered to try to get me out. He had trouble that morning with his big chained up truck and we all thought I'd be stuck for sure. Topaz received buckets of snow- it was crazy- but up on the highway they had it all sanded and plowed. Rob followed me to Gardnerville just in case because we'd gotten reports of whiteout conditions and people sliding, but it was clear when we left and the roads were good.

I am on my break, out here walking and should be looking up and breathing fresh air, but I realized I was in a decent mood even while being aware that my relationship is dead. Sometimes I can forget about it and be happy, but it's not often I can say that it is present in my mind and I'm okay regardless. Progress, I'm sure. I will go back to being sad and angry and miserable- I was just sobbing in the shower last night- and I will go back to being happy again. Just wanted to note that I'm currently feeling aware and still mostly functional. There's a first.

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