A sign

I was driving back from Topaz and just as I was feeling the full weight of the pulls on my heart, there was a sign that read, "Life gets better soon."

:)

Turk sleeping on my feet.

Yuval Ron Ensemble

Some unexpected events tried to derail me, but I made it. This is fun, interesting, and rejuvenating. I may buy a cd. And I saw a whirling dervish! Finally, finally, finally. Unbelievable and amazing. And the guest player- a woman with the original version of what eventually became castanets! Incredible.

Also, some lady in the audience is wearing a shirt that says:

Earth without art is just "Eh."

I couldn't agree more.

Where did that evening go?

Well, I'm feeling better.

I dropped my phone for the fifteenth time this Sunday and finally cracked the screen, so I called on the insurance and already have a replacement.  What makes this phone so exciting is that it has the camera on both sides, so I can actually see my selfies and where the button is!  Technology is amazing.  As an added bonus, all my pictures transferred, which apparently was unlikely because my sd card was so little.  I am so far behind- I have no idea what's going on.  I promise, phone gods, if I can make it to this weekend, I'll go buy a screen protector and a case this time.

I have things to look forward to.  I'm not going to share them because that will jinx everything, so just imagine me doing my happy wiggle.  I do think that it helped to vent, so thanks for putting up with that.  I think tonight's a bath night.  I did two loads of laundry and finished off the remaining third of the pot pie mmmmmmmm.  Every time my spoon broke through the crust and struck the glass plate, Riley would bolt across the room.  LOUD NOISES!  (Tracy, you should probably watch Anchorman at some point.)

I'm going to do another crochet class with my crochet friend, so I guess this means I ought to finish up the first square I started.  I already bought another ball of yarn and am armed with Michaels and Joann coupons, now I just need the crochet compulsion to kick in.  Where is all this free time I'm supposed to have?

Projectile Venting

I don't think it's the weather putting me in this mood.  I like the rain, I like fall, I like the cold.  I like having a reason to wear gloves and hats and warm, snuggly coats.

There have been several situations going on that are making me feel like an asshole, and I have been trying them on and I'm not sure that they are really mine to wear.

I feel a little fed up with a lot of things.  I have a lot of really nasty things to say and I wish I could just fill a balloon with them and send them away, but they would just hang around my feet.  I was thinking earlier that the nice thing about reading my blog vs having a conversation with me is that you can just skip this if you don't want to hear about it.

Chris told me that Trampolina won't lose her pregnancy- essentially because of Murphy's Law.  Oh, he deserves it, and so does she, but I feel so bad for that kid.  I have so much to add to that, but I have to keep my mouth shut.  I feel terrible for Ant, who is trying so hard to make the best of things.  I hope the two of them stay together forever, making each other miserable and leaving everybody else alone.  They won't, of course.  They are already cheating and lying and treating each other like shit.  They both deserve that, but they don't deserve Ant.  I might as well get some of this out.  I am feeling a bit upset that I left such an intact situation for her to move right into while I got to start over.  That's ok, though.  They might have started out with everything, but they are working hard on losing it all.  That makes me sad because I wonder what the hell we did all that for.

I am glad I got to take Ant to the Outhouse Races.  I am glad I got time to spend with him, which I don't often get to do.  I am glad I was able to get him together with his best friend.  I think they both really needed that.  I think that should probably be understandable, that takes priority, and I'm not feeling horribly apologetic about it.

I also feel justified in withholding my $5 contribution to the new office microwave until the next payday.  You should have asked people first, rather than just buying the damn thing and telling everyone what they owed you.

As for the friend that I thought was a friend but turned out to be... hmm, ought to be careful how I address this- I want to be fair... how about this: you are exactly what I saw the whole time but was accepting of.  I see now that we were fine as long as I went along with everything you said and did.  When I finally shared my opinions on the only two things I could not ignore, I tried to be very careful, constructive, and kind.  (I also said such things in person, pointed look.)  I was really surprised by your words for me (months and months later), and I hit the brakes hard to avoid sending a shitty response back.  I was so torn for days, thinking about how I really do not like burning bridges (clearly), but what I eventually realized was that it wasn't me burning this bridge.  Your words were all destructive and you seemed to have no interest in repairing or improving our friendship.  I think that sucks, and I will always remember the awesome things about you and be grateful for your presence in my life while I had it, but I am through hanging onto people who try to shake me loose.  I'm not sure why you do this, but I know well that I am not the only one, so I'm going to try not to take this personally.  I did try your words on- over and over, and I looked hard at the mirror, but I'm sorry- they do not fit, so I am not going to wear them.  Maybe you should try them on.  ;)

Whew, glad that's out.  Don't worry, that's not for you.  I will address all that stuff directly to the people I need to, just needed to vent a bit- feel out what I really wanted to say.  Maybe I'll be able to leave even more out the next time and preserve some dignity.  I'm tired of being angry and trying to swallow this stuff down.  As for Chris and that diseased, disgusting whore girl, I would love to not be the bitter ex-girlfriend.  I wonder if I will ever stop being angry about that.  There is no resolution, and Mom's right- there is no reason.  I suspect that when this topic comes up in the future, I may scare some people with a Tourette's-like reaction.  But with practice, I'll be able to recover quickly and say something kind, like, "It ended" without spitting out all the gory details.  I want to be able to be kind.  I also want to be able to do as well as I should be able to and not have to pay for his bills, but now that he's got another...  Deep breaths, Jenny.  Don't say it, don't think about it, just figure out a way through it by your damn self.

I just counted it out this morning- if Trampolina does have a baby, it'll be due right about the time that I am moving away from here.  What perfect timing.

Quiet Sunday

Tonight I am settling in with a chicken patty and steamed vegetables for dinner.  I just finished watching The Queen of Versailles, which is both depressing and incredible- I highly recommend it.  It's amazing, and it makes you think about what it really means to be rich as opposed to what we think it means.

I had a good weekend.  I got to see Ant and spend time with him, talk with him, listen to him, ask him questions.  He's keenly aware of what's wrong, but is making the best of it.  I get the sense that Chris is trying to make the best of it as well, and there is something very commendable in that.  I got to provide Ant an escape from all that for a little while, which I am so grateful I could do.

The movie and my weekend are making me think about happiness and greed.  I think my life is very good and that I ought to be more grateful for what I do have.  I have wonderful, incredible, fabulous people in my life.  I have a safe, comfortable, calming, beautiful home.  I have a dog that likes vegetables.

Jody and I took the dogs and her son on a long walk today, plus I got a little time in the little dog park before that.  It was beautiful out today, and I feel like a good dog mom.

I have done a lot of things over the last year with the intention of honoring a promise I made to be kind.  I didn't yank anything away- I let him remove himself first.  If I had to take something away, there was plenty of warning and time.  The worst things from me were said, not done.  I feel justified in everything I have said, but I feel like that's the line, and being allowed to say how I feel doesn't mean I get to act on it.  What I get to do is be in a safe place that I can afford alone, have a boring, frustrating, but steady job, and have such a quiet, calm life for once that I get bored and create excitement where it belongs- in a positive light rather than dark and dangerous.  What I have is what I have created- with the unbelievable help and support from people who really love me and care about me.  Sustaining that is my own job, while I work to

Say I'm an airplane
And the gashes I got from my heartbreak
Make the slots and the flaps upon my wing
And I use them to give me lift
Thank you, Fiona.  This time here alone in my cocoon, where I lick my wounds and learn what I am... I'm not reforming in here, but rebuilding.

Thank you for listening to all of it and still loving me even when you wanted to shake me.  Thanks for wanting to shake me because you love me.  I promise to always make you want to shake me.  But I also promise you that I am learning.