Nice Day

I wish I could take a picture (easily). of my new phone case, because it has an adorable giraffe and giraffe patterns on it. I could take a picture with my camera and download it and upload it and all that nonsense, but I'd rather you see it in person someday and say, "Oh my GOD, that is so CUTE!" Because those moments are important to me, you see. I think I also have a screen protector on it now, but I can't exactly tell because it had a "peel this off before application" side and a "peel this off after application" side and I think something was left on the screen, but I'm not entirely sure. I can't quite see consulting Geek Squad, as I'm sure I'd get the "can't wait to laugh at you after you're gone" look.

Today I met Elaine and Ant in Carson for the Ghost Walk. (See, I capitalized Ghost Walk because that's its name, not because it's important.) It was supposed to be 90 minutes, but it was TWO AND A HALF HOURS. Ant got whiny about two hours in. I got whiny shortly after that. We had fun and got to see lots of history, including a house that used to be a Pony Express station. The Young Riders, Tracy! Mmm, Josh Brolin. We also got to creep around inside the governor's mansion, which could also be capitalized, but I want to emphasize that he actually lives there. We met his cat.

It was a good day. Elaine was bringing Ant up to Chris's for room cleaning and such, and wanted to stop by and see my place, so I sped home and did a quick dash to hide any underwear or dirty dishes. We were outside when they showed up and Riley gave me a look like, "Was that GRANDMA!?!" and ran over to her truck, tried to jump in, and fell out. Oh, Riley. We cooed, but she was too excited and ran circles around us and led us inside. Elaine loved my place and I do too.

You should totally watch everything I recommend.

My new pedometer is lying on the floor where it fell off my pocket several hours ago.  It may stay there.  This is why I can't ever get a new pedometer- no other pedometer makers seem to understand that it needs to clip on, not slide on.  Stupid new pedometer.  I should have left it under the toilet where it fell earlier.

Someone higher up pooped on the idea of me writing for the Creative Arts Festival because the call center is "short-handed."  Yes, and how is that different than any other day?  In completely unrelated news, I brought my packet including resume over to HR.  My boss felt really bad about the writing news.  When she found out, she came to give me a hug and called the public affairs officer all day to try to work something out.  Keep your fingers crossed.

I spent a few minutes feeling very devastated, but pulled it together.  I already had my packet ready and was just waiting on a response from HR, but walked it over there uninvited.  I cleaned up my desk (I'm a piler, not a filer) and set my mind on accomplishing tasks this weekend.

I've got a messy kitchen, but two loads of laundry done, plus I watched the most excellent movie.  It's called The Intouchables and it won oodles of awards.  It's French and set in Paris, so now I have Marty's attention.  It's really, really good and funny and warm and sad and everything you want in a movie.  I did my trademark

HAHAHAHAHA

through the whole thing, it was so funny.  Tracy, Mom, and Marty, I'm looking at you three, although I would tell anyone to watch this.  Right now I'm looking at its blurb screen on Netflix and it has a rating of 5 stars minus one tiny corner.  Awesome, awesome movie.

So now it's not quite late enough to go to bed on a Friday night, so I'm going to listen to music while I clean my kitchen.  Then I'll fidditz around for a few hours until I finally yell at myself to go to bed, already!  How the hell do you spell fidditz?

Oh boy!

Now I'm one of those people who takes a picture of a magazine because EW put cast members from a favorite TV show of mine on the cover. Never thought it would happen to me but here I am, all excited.

Let's hug it out, shall we?

Yesterday, a coworker came over to join another coworker and I, ready to sneer some more at the so-called Obamacare.  It still surprises me to find Republicans that are not rich, but there are lots of them here.  At work, I try to not participate in political discussions because I have to spend so much time with these people that I already struggle to like some of them.  When he came over, it was to provide yet another example of how jacked up it all is, and after all this shutdown nonsense, I was not in the mood to field another negative shot about Obama from somebody who had no answers or suggestions, just wanted to tear it all down.  “How about we just… don’t,” I asked (a little bit snotty), but he was already on a roll.  The example he gave this time was about a realtor and what they would have to pay for insurance under this plan.  That was too much for me, because I have yet to meet a struggling realtor, especially here.  I said as much, and he had a debate partner for a couple minutes.  That went nowhere, as expected, and I asked again if we could just not discuss it, this time clearly annoyed.

A few minutes later, he asked if we had seen the new Walking Dead episode, and my other coworker said no, and not to spoil it for her.
 
“Sheesh, what CAN I talk to you two about?"
 
“Baby animals,” I replied.


Today, I was looking at an asinine, apocalyptic post on Facebook about Obama, and felt bad about how I had handled the situation yesterday.  I brought a little bit of frustration.  This morning, he came over to show me some changes coming down from the business services office, and we were right back onto healthcare.  He said he saw an outside doctor, but kept the VA as a backup.  I resisted the urge to comment on socialized medicine, and instead told him that I was not trying to be a jerk yesterday.  He stopped me and said that he had been thinking about it afterwards, and wanted to tell me that a year ago I never would have said anything at all, just slunk back into my cubicle to avoid the conversation entirely.  He said he was happy that I spoke my mind, even if he didn’t share my opinion.  He thinks it has to do with being in this work environment, and maybe it partly does, but I’m sure it has more to do with not being in my relationship anymore.  I have been growing more assertive over this last year, and I just got confirmation of that from someone who knows almost nothing about my life outside of work. 
 
That makes me feel even more so that this friendship that recently hit the dirt was not so much me being an asshole, as has been suggested, but me being assertive.  That’s what I really feel after taking time to think about it: sad about losing a friend, but disinclined to apologize for behavior that I feel was appropriate, kind, and caring.  I think what’s fucked up there is the interpretation taken, and I can’t control that.  I think the negative comments she made towards me belong where they came from, and I think the true problem is that I spoke up at all.  That’s how I feel, but now the problem is how to let her know my response without overly explaining myself or actually being an asshole, which is REALLY tempting, but it’s more important to me to not return that favor.


I was just brought another editing project by a coworker.  It was cute how he tried to argue semicolons with me.

Now, according to WebMD, my twitchy eyelid is caused by stress, lack of sleep, caffeine, or Tourette’s.  I think it’s probably the FUCKSHITGODDAMMIT first three, don’t you?

It's all I can do not to skip down the hallway.

Who just updated her resume and sent it off to her magnificent sister to be reviewed?  Yes, that would be me.  I am feeling superfabulous right now because I also have my other forms filled out and ready to go.  Tracy is making me feel awesome about my project, and I packed lots of veggies and fruit in my lunch.  I cooked dinner last night and am looking forward to leftovers.  I was just looking at my pedometer this morning and thinking I needed to get a new one and POOF!  Jeff had a bunch of free stuff for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so now I have a brand new Celebrity Apprentice pedometer.  It not only measures steps and miles, but it also measures calories and kilometers.  That may not come in handy, but hey, it’s fancy!  Oh, and guess what?  I transferred the credit card balance for the board to a credit card through my credit union, hoping for a lower interest rate than 27%.  I qualified for 9.25%, but I just found out that I'm not getting charged any interest at ALL, because it's a transferred balance.  Holy cow.

Last night I watched This Is The End, the silly apocalypse movie with Seth Rogan.  It’s a combination action/comedy and I actually got startled enough at one point that I yelled out!  Then I laughed, because I seriously cannot remember the last movie that made me do that. 

I have my review with the chiropractor today to go over my xrays, so it’s good that I’m all bubbly and happy now, because it’s not going to be good news.  He’s already told me I have the back of a 60-year-old woman and there’s a whole mess of vertebrae out of place.  Tracy says it’s like the Wii- this is the age I start out at, then I work towards something better.  Still, ugh.  And extra UGH, because I can’t even stand the thought of someone messing with my spine.  My massage was nice, though.  Not especially pleasant or relaxing, but very helpful.  My hips felt better immediately and I don’t think it’s even possible to do those stretches alone.  She pronounced my shoulders a rock garden and worked out the knots while I decided that the hole in the face donut is to let the drool fall through.  “I’m not hurting you on purpose,” she told me.  “I’m hurting you WITH purpose.”  Oh, well that makes all the difference.

I intend to tell this chiropractor that in order to see me again, he’s going to have to give me a deal.  Poor people need adjustments, too.  I think I’m going to work on my hips first, because they cause me the most pain and eventually, if I trust him, I’ll let him adjust my neck.  Ugh ugh ugh I can’t think about it.  Excuse me, I need to go lie flat on the floor for a while.

A small celebration

One year on my own.

Well, that was a much needed boost.

I was feeling like an unproductive slug, but then I realized that I do have creative projects in the works.  One is going to take more work and editing, but I am proud of myself because I have been coming back to it, as opposed to just starting it and then procrastinating.  This is a challenge I have given myself that I really want to meet, and I'm doing it.  That feels so good.  Half of what I've done is workable.  That's a lot more than I thought I would get.  I am thrilled.

I know I'm being vague, but that's how I want it for now.

My other vague project just got a light bulb moment.  I just now figured out which component I was missing.  I still have to play with it to find out how it all goes together, but now I'm really excited about it.  It's a small, silly thing that is going to make me feel so happy to do.  It's already making me happy.

And here I am thinking that I'm a slug because my floors are not freshly vacuumed.  I forgot about these things, or perhaps they did not register as something that goes on the to do list.  I would rather do these things than chores, even though I do love a clean house.  These are more important- the lasting things- the things that make an impression.  They are my dent in the world.  My counselor poked at me about this months ago, asking me to imagine my funeral:

"That Jenny, she sure had a clean apartment!"

So hell yeah for productivity on creative projects!  I am also taking another crochet class this week, I have a deadline for an updated resume, I'm taking free Spanish lessons on Duolingo, and tomorrow is baking day.  I've got this.

'Cause we are the champions

And by the way, I drove Ant out to Topaz last night and while we talked most of the way, during the last leg from Gardnerville we listened to Queen on my iPod.  Ant's voice is changing pretty drastically and he was full of snot, but we had a full out concert in the car, wailing the words we knew and messing up and car dancing like idiots.  We had the windows down for Riley and the drive was beautiful as always and we were happy and laughing.  That was one of those moments that you know is being cemented into memory as it's happening.  We sang for the rest of the way there.  It was awesome.

Plunge

Argh.  I can't help but share.  I seek out comfort and opinions from those I love and respect, then I do asinine things that are often the opposite of what you have very logically recommended.  I love you, and I know it's maddening.  It feels maddening to me to know that you are right and to be completely unable to disagree and have trouble anyway.  I want to trust that life will get better soon, but it is really hard to have the faith to walk towards what I don't know.  Maybe I just haven't done it in a really long time.  When was the last time you did?  I mean a huge, completely uprooting change with nobody along for the ride.  I can't tell if I just hate endings or if I'm terrified or if there is something actually wrong that gives me such pause.  Don't you decide that for me.

I do know it's not fair for me to continue to feel like this and I feel, probably like you do, that I should be wrapping this up by now.  Wish I could.  I think of Persepolis, when Marji's relationship doesn't work out and her grandmother, consoling her, says, "You're crying because you were wrong."  I think that sucks and is a horrible thing to say, even if it's right.  I do feel like things went horribly awry somewhere, and I can't get past the way things should have been.  This is where faith comes in, I know, but I don't know if I've ever learned how to let go, and this is the HARDEST thing to let go of.  It hurts, it hurts.  I still feel stunned.

There is another line from a song that has taken over my thoughts lately:

Will I disappoint my future if I stay


Everyone is excited about the idea of me coming back to the East Coast.  How come I'm not?  I absolutely miss you all so much, but some days it feels right and in the works, and some days it doesn't feel right at all.  Riley didn't want to leave Topaz today.  She loves it there, but she wants me to stay there, too.  It can't ever be both.  I keep telling myself it doesn't have to be forever, and maybe living outside of that area will make a big difference, but the idea of going back depresses me, like it's a dreaded task that has to be done.  I doubt it's supposed to feel like that, and I know that piece of information is going to hurt- even though it has nothing to do with how much I love you all and how much I miss you and want to be close to you.  It makes me feel awful because it is not where I want to be.

So there, I said it.  Maybe I'll feel totally different, maybe I'll love it, maybe there's some great story that I'm going to be a part of and I just can't see that now.  I have been feeling like such a fucking drama queen for a while now, but I'm pretty sure that has a lot more to do with the situation than just how I am.  Maybe by that time, I'll be ready to go.