I'm going to write a song called "Crying After Zumba."
It's one of those releases, I guess. Some stupid, fun songs and dancing for your exercise, being a good tired, then hearing a slow song to stretch to, and it's some song about being beautiful even if he doesn't think so, even if you're not perfect, and I start tearing up. There's some mental and emotional exhaustion going on (Hey look, I made it to Thursday!) and I guess I just have to understand that periodically, I'm going to have a minor meltdown and need a hot shower, some tea, and an early bedtime. I have good plans for this weekend and things are fine, even if I'm a little sad. I'm glad I went tonight- I suspected I needed it- and that I followed my plan of no nap this evening. Just struggle through, get to Zumba, and go to bed early and exhausted. I feel so guilty when I feel like I'm not making progress, but it's occurring to me that I must me. It's been just over a year now since the air races- the awful weekend when I saw how deep the crack really was. I didn't have what I thought I had, but I lost a lot anyway. This September was much worse than I thought it would be, adding more bullshit to the pile, but the difference this time was that I had already lost everything I was going to lose. I felt the break this time. I suppose that was bound to hurt and take some time to recover from. I am so ready for September to be done that I changed the whiteboard calendar today. I want desperately to have something else- to move on to what really seems like will be the next chapter. This has been a safe place- a safe job, a safe home, a safe hiding place- but I don't want this to be where I stay because I'm afraid to move on ahead. I think there probably are lots of better things out there waiting for me, but I'm not entirely sure and I have to do it anyway.
It shouldn't take more than a year
The lease is signed, I'll be free by June to go somewhere else, to do something else. That gives me a little more time than I'd anticipated to save money, prepare. But if there's one thing my counselor has taught me, it's that it's never going to feel comfortable. Be uncomfortable and do it anyway.
Sigh. Ok. For now, snuggle in for the fall, do your homework, dust your resume off, be smart with your money and your heart, continue stretching yourself, and get some good, quiet, untortured sleep.
