Warning: Rant Ahead

I just finished my first (half) week at my new job, and I think it will keep my pretty busy, but in a good way. Everyone has been nice and I can't wait to be in there full time and start cleaning out the drawers. I've got my first project underway and lots of help and I'm meeting lots of people and I'm seeing that in addition to the many hats I will wear, I will also need a diplomat hat. A diplohat. There are carefully worded explanations and coordination among several and I'm finding a need to both assert and insert myself in conversations. Thankfully, I seem to be pretty good at it- mostly because I can imagine other sides to the story. Don't think I am saying that I am just Zen about these things because I am clearly not. One of my favorite pastimes is riding my high horse. I am just seeing that less scorn is better- because we're often wrong or under-informed and like everyone else, I often assume the worst. I have also embarrassed myself enough... no, there will likely be a lot more. Like now.

Scorn is not helpful or kind, and I would really like to be both, but scorn is petty fun that is probably damaging to your soul, like trash magazines and Cheetos. Maybe they're fine in small doses, and keep you grounded. That sounds like a valid argument, doesn't it?

So I'm going to risk embarrassing myself again, but I don't think I'll be hurting anyone's feelings. I think I would just received scorn in return. So someone posted a lovely picture of the hot dog cart in town. It's manned by this WWII vet who's got a bunch of big signs asking people to support him by buying a delicious hot dog for lunch. He's out there as many days as possible, as long as it's not too hot, too cold, or too windy. He's 80-god-knows-what and very nice. He chats up everyone that comes for lunch.

This person who posted about the hot dog guy said they'd always seen the cart and finally stopped. They described how nice the guy was and how he made them proud they were in the military and how pleased they were to support this guy by buying a hot dog that they weren't going to eat.

What? Why the fuck not? Now, ok, maybe there are health reasons involved, who knows. Maybe they are afraid the hot dogs are kept in unsanitary conditions. Chris and I ate there with no problem, but I tend to side with George Carlin on this one anyway and say take a fuckin' chance! Yes, hot dogs are a terrible choice, nutrition-wise. I think we all know that. But it's not like we eat them every day. If you're out running errands and you're hungry and you should probably eat something so you don't gorge when you get home, I think a hot dog would suffice.

I know this is all about choices, and maybe that vet wouldn't give a shit if you ate it or not, but I think you can stuff your patriotic, sympathy hot dog.

Which brings me to my next sneering observation.

Now I'm onto somebody else and their stupid, overdone, organic, homegrown, money-saving bullshit... Hey, I think it's great you grow your own food. I can't wait to do that myself. I just roll my eyes at how superior you behave about it. I also roll my eyes at how healthy and thrifty you claim to be, yet your hobby is drowning in alcohol. How much do you spend on that? Also, I recoil at the thought of you collecting more animals when you don't give a shit about the ones you've got- once their novelty has worn off, I mean.

Honestly, I want goats and chickens too. I want more than one dog and a ranch and a garden. I want to bake bread and prepare everything myself, but those of us that have a job don't have the time, dummy. Do your thing and be happy that you're building a little family farm- I really do think that's awesome. I just don't think you need to be a smug, hypocritical asshole, and it would help if you could just tone it down a little.


Jennyway, that's all out of my system now.

Eat a fuckin' hot dog.

I feel so much better nowwwwzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry, Mom.

I didn't mean to sound so miserable. I was just trying to talk myself through it and recognize that it was temporary. I wanted to document my absorbed lesson: feeling scared and uncomfortable and doing it anyway. New things are never going to feel comfortable, and that's ok. I felt like it was actually a positive thing to cry my way through it and continue right along, and I could picture myself years from now, crying steady tears as I got ready for some new job in the future, just much less upset about it. I could imagine responding to my husband- assuring him I was fine and this was something I was accustomed to and practiced in handling. Someday, years from now, this will happen and I will get a sense of deja vu. (I am not messing with accent marks. I can't even find where they are.) And besides- there is so much more going on at the moment than just a new job. Now, granted, there is always some drama going on. (My counselor giggles before she even finishes asking me what's going on, because I always have some crazy, long-winded story.) But I felt all that emotion and sadness and fear welling up and eventually I will have it so identified and understood that I'll be like, "Sorry, friends, I need an evening in," and put on Steel Magnolias or Curly Sue and cry my eyeballs out and be done with it.

Today was fine. It was overwhelming and busy and I was struggling to keep up with my lists all afternoon, but several more of my new coworkers came to welcome me, and a friend gave me an unsolicited pep talk that I greatly needed. She seemed to understand exactly how I was feeling and really hit on the underlying fears rather than just assuring me that I would be great. It was empowering and supportive and awesome. I have a lot of projects to work on, and everyone keeps saying that they understand I'll need time to learn it all, but they are looking forward to seeing what changes I make, and they are largely referring to the physical organization of the office. Well... I'll be all over that.

I suspect I'll sleep better tonight.

Growing pains

I'm talking myself through it.

Daylight savings means not sleeping well anyway, but it added a sense of weirdness to my first half day at my new job. It went fine and I was immediately juggling, which means that I will probably stay very busy and my days will go by fast. I tried very hard last night not to think about work- to establish a habit of leaving it behind. That went fine, of course, until 4 o'clock this morning. The fear of not being qualified paired with the anxiety over my lack of sleep and oh hey, don't forget all the emotional distress of Chris deciding to up and move back to Reno.

I tried to lie still and rest. I took an herbal sleep aid. I changed pillows. I cuddled with Solo. I listened to the radio. I finished my book. I finally went out into the living room hoping to fall asleep in front of the TV. Eventually, 6:15 came and I started crying in the shower.

It's ok. It's ok. You can cry, you're allowed. It's stressful and you're- as Tracy put it- easily derailed. But thankfully, you are quite skilled at tangents and can usually find your way back pretty easily. You answered the questions honestly and they picked you. Besides, you can learn anything. Your biggest problem is usually a lack of self-confidence. And yes, it's scary, but it's also completely expected to feel this way. You already know that staying where it's safe is boring and soul crushing, and taking a leap will have its tradeoffs as well. To stretch is

to lengthen, widen, distend, or enlarge by tension

so it is going to feel uncomfortable. And what you're doing IS brave.

My shower sobs turned into full-on crying that continued through getting dressed. I put on face cream, cried through it, and rubbed it in. I cried and I laughed at myself for crying while I was still crying and cried some more. I laughed because this time, I didn't need my counselor to tell me that this is actually great. I cried and cried and got ready for work. I'm terrified and I'm doing it anyway. Go me.

Sunday mornings

I've actually got the laptop to the right of me and Mini is curled up on a corner of it as I lean over Riley to type, as she is occupying my lap.

But now it's time to go shower and pretend like someone's coming over so I can clean my apartment lightning fast and then go do something fun.

Poor Ladybug

I had to reset the smoke alarm.