Dammit!

I bought the 24oz instead of the 12oz jar. What else can you make with molasses other than more gingerbread cookies?

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Evenings

Messy project table, beer, letters, Riley, cubby, baskets, tealight, plants, window, tree branches.

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Oh, the budget I've got is frightful, but baked goods are so delightful...

Walk or sit at the computer and accomplish things? Phone is fully charged. Blog and a jog! I know, I've said that before, but I like it and it reminds me of my smokey and Diet Cokey. I could use a cigarette these days. I haven't. Jenea says if I didn't start back up through all of this, then I've probably quit for good. The best advice I heard for quitting smoking was to put your mad procrastination skills to good use: when you have a craving, don't say "No, I can't have one," just say, "I'll have one later." I don't remember ever using that, but it did seem like a good idea.

I have a lot on my to do list tomorrow, but I'm looking forward to it. There will even be some nice, relaxing yoga crammed into the day wherever I can make it fit. I'm poised on the edge of the weekend over here, and I'm not very focused on work today. I've taken a lot of calls this week and I am not all that excited about answering more. But the day is half over and I am preparing my lists and gathering coupons.

I have taken Ma's advice and scaled down the gift ideas. You may still get a gift, but it might be in 2013. It will be worth the wait. :D

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4:30 am

They came to pick me up after a long time apart. Ant was definitely a teenager- surly, talking back- but he was tiny, the size of a very small child. He climbed into my lap and fell asleep. His hair was full of gel.

The house was meant for a small number of people, I thought, but all his friends lived there. He had banished them to a part of the house that I could not see.

A shape-shifting genie tricked me. I do not remember what led me into the room, I just remember when he changed into a gold demon with horns, laughed, and locked me in.

I was kept in the room for a year until one of Chris's friends accidentally let me out. "Oh," he said. "I forgot you were in there." I went looking for Chris.

I found a room where seamstresses were working on what looked like the start of a wedding dress. They were lining up beads and rhinestones on a headless form. There were two special beads on a card lying on a shelf and I picked them up. They said, "Jeni." I sat down and cried.

The seamstresses left, one of them rolling her eyes at me on her way out of the room. "This is ten years in the making," I said to her. She did not respond. As they left, Chris came in with many other people. I hugged him and he asked if I liked my neck brace.

My neck brace?

I looked back at the mannequin and saw that it was not the start of a dress at all, just a lovely, light purple neck piece.

"It's for your neck injury," he said.

"But I don't have a neck injury."

"Ooh, I hope they play _______________," said some lady next to me. I realize that all these people are waiting to dance and this woman is looking for her husband. The music starts and it's an Otis Redding song, but not the one she wanted.

"Here, dance with her," Chris said, sweetly, like we were both doing her a favor.

I said okay because it seemed kind and her husband was probably dead and not ever going to show up again. I didn't think to ask why Chris wouldn't dance with her. Confused, I start dancing with this tiny old lady- she's like a doll. I turn and in that instant, Chris is suddenly gone, all the people have vanished, and I am left holding a toy doll, completely alone.

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How

My brain just cannot fathom how such familiar things that were so recently mine are gone forever.

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That turned ugly fast.

Took another epsom (epson? No, Epson is the printer.) salt bath last night after whining to Mom that my baaaaaaaaaack still hurts. I cranked on the water super hot, then threw in a dash of cold at the end thinking that would even out the temperature.  Why can't I be normal?  I have no idea, but I had to stand around naked for like 15 minutes waiting for the water to cool off enough to get in.  Why didn't I go do something else in the meantime?  I don't know.  Didn't think it would take that long, I guess.  I kept trying to get in and burning the shit out of my feet.  Finally I just gave up and got in anyway, hoping my skin wouldn't slough off.  Then I got really overheated, so I put up with it as long as I could, then went to bed because I was suddenly super tired and had a big headache.  I slept for about 10 hours last night.  Riley was exasperated with me.  She was game for sleeping until around 3 am, when I could hear her huffing around, like "Goddammit, I slept all day!"  So this morning I clipped her leash on and walked her around the neighborhood at a lively pace rather than letting her meander as I usually do.

I have two complaints for you today, but they come with a disclaimer:

I have no idea who reads my blog.  I have some idea, but the numbers do not line up with just those that I am aware of.  Plus, I'm thinking of posting more links on Facebook to try and increase my number of readers, but there are people that I want to talk shit about, and I can't very well do that and invite them to read it, right?  They could be reading it already without me knowing.  It's probably better that way.  Besides, this is supposed to be honest.  Well, censored honesty.

1) When will I learn that they are all dirty old men, regardless of age?  I think it's gross, and I am perpetually optimistic that they aren't all like that, but this truth is continually confirmed.  I know it must have to do with a refusal to age gracefully.  I realize that there are women like this too, but they aren't hitting on me, so I don't care.  Yes, old men will often cross that line of what is appropriate.  I attract old men and rednecks.  But this time- and unfortunately not the first time- it is a friend.  Or someone I thought was a friend.  It's subtle, but the dialogue has certainly changed.  It makes me mad because there is such a lack of decency- I have barely begun grieving my love- but where is the respect for your friend?  Why does the expression "Bros before hoes" exist?  They don't honor that, but maybe it's an easy expression because it rhymes.  And really, it's not that honorable if you call women "hoes" in the first place.  I know I am no garden tool.  What really irks the shit out of me is the thought that I am looking for any port in a storm, so to speak.  Am I a helpless sheep, vulnerable to wolves?  Do I have no morals?  Am I just waiting for someone to swoop in and take over?  Of course, I realize that the male mind, when preoccupied, is not thinking of these things- there is just a very shallow, instinctual, animal motive.  I suppose I could be flattered, or quote lines from When Harry Met Sally, but really, not classy, dude.  Not classy.

2) My second complaint involves a coworker and therefore must be cryptic.  Your "needs" are ridiculous.  I am not being mean or insensitive.  If it's really that bad, you shouldn't be driving.  If it's really that bad, maybe you need to be somewhere you feel safe.  There is a line for accommodations before you just can't do the job.  Have you thought about the fact that everytime you don't show up, you are adding a lot of weight to the rest of us?  Or that you are occupying a spot where someone else could be hired?  I don't know your story, admitted, but so far you have not shown much willingness to help out or be part of a group, as other disabled folks are totally capable of doing.  And your attitude sucks.

Now I'm going to go walk around for a while because my legs are cramped from being under this damn desk all day as I answered the phone while other people stuck their thumbs up their asses.  80 calls by 1:30.  Go soak your heads, assholes.

How else does one cope with stress?

I've been feeling pretty cynical.

I'm trying to remind myself that this is not a permanent state of mind, just one that comes with the territory. I think I am normally optimistic, but I don't feel that way right now. I feel down, sad, blue, and this morning I think I sucked a piece of Kashi into my lung. I have projects piling up and I feel overwhelmed, but isn't that what I've been going through around this time for the last four years? Exams, papers, projects, Christmas! What if I can't buy everything my loved ones dream of? There's a book coming for my apprentice class, the workbook for the life coaching/weight loss project, housecleaning, baking, bills, and I have to go answer 100 phone calls! My counselor would laugh because she knows my coping strategy well- I'm off to make some lists.

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Dog

Looks like she's just waiting for me to put the damn covers back down, huh.

 

Cat

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Rainy Sunday

I am exhausted.

After that hour walk this morning, I took Jody out Christmas shopping. Then I let Riley out and went to Kohl's.

I've been looking through my closet for all those large shirts that I

That's how far I made it last night before I fell asleep.

What I was trying to explain is that there is a brand of shirts at Kohl's that I really like- good colors, neat details. I started buying those in extra large and was very happy until I found one at a thrift store that was a beautiful heather blue... but large. I bought it anyway and learned that it fit better. Oh. Hmm. Maybe this is related to the broken bra problem.

So I headed to Kohl's armed with a 20% off coupon and I found that the clearance was marked down EVEN FURTHER. Now it's 85-90% off. I made my selections and went to the fitting room where I sadly tried on a medium in a shirt that I really liked because they did not have it in large. It fit.

Suddenly, I was faced with a problem. Am I supposed to be wearing medium? What if they shrink? What am I supposed to do with all these larges? I have about 200 shirts in my cart- Just try them on if you like them, don't look at the price yet- How am I going to go deposit them in front of the poor fitting room girl?

"Soooooo, nothing worked?" she'll ask.

"No, sorry, all the wrong size. I'm learning how to shop for myself."

The worst part was going back through the entire clearance section because there was new criteria now. I was pretty over it by then, and I'm sure most people would give up, but I am my mother's daughter and these were not deals I could walk out on. Two fitting room trips later, I had twelve new shirts, most for about $3 each. I did allow myself a couple splurges- splurges that my entire family would roll their eyes at because they think it doesn't count as a splurge if it's a reasonable price. For example, my big splurge was a $15 pullover that looks much nicer than the zippies I've been wearing to work. I added it all up, decided I had room to spare and headed to Jewelry. Silver jewelry is 60% off. It's a sign!

A few years ago, I was at Bloomies with Mom and Tracy and found necklaces with little good luck charms: a four-leaf clover, a horseshoe, a wishbone, a star...  The pendants were silver, but hung on a string. The accompanying card said you were supposed to make a wish, put on the necklace, and eventually the string would break, your pendant would fall off somewhere, and this meant that your wish was coming true!

Well, that's stupid. The first thing I would do is put that sucker on a real chain.

And what did I find last night? A delicate little chain with clover and wishbone pendants so you can switch between them. And yes, I should probably make a wish because this chain is so tiny that it will probably break, dropping my wishbone somewhere.

When I got home, I didn't want to stand up anymore. I took Riley out, made meatloaf, shoved Riley's pill down her throat (The pain pills are done and she's becoming a pro with the antibiotics.), then went to put away my new clothes. I took out more than one shirt for every one I put in. And Kohl's says I saved $304.28, so I'm feeling pretty awesome.

For dinner, I found out that lima beans have carbs. It's a bean, and beans have carbs, so that makes me a ding-dong, but I don't think I made that connection before. Oops. I'm writing down everything I eat, which is SO enjoyable. It has me wishing longingly for the days when all I had to do was find my kit, test, argue with the meter's error message, test again, work an equation in my head, measure insulin and stab myself with a syringe.

It's 9:15, which means I have stayed in bed for an extra three hours. I woke up at 6, but was able to get back to sleep, thankfully. Now I'm rested and ready for a day of housecleaning, movies, projects, and watching the rain. Can't wait to drag Riley out in this. Right now she's under the covers, curled up by my knees, making little huffing movements as she dozes. Solo is up at my shoulder, waiting for me to nuzzle her. I'm about to wake them both up and go make an exploding egg sandwich.

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