Goodbye

I went to six stores before I found a good duffel bag for Ant.  He always travels with a couple backpacks, and I couldn't think of anything more appropriate to give him on a traveling birthday.  He will be thrilled to go- he's always said he's from Simi Valley, even though he only spent a few months there when he was a baby before they moved to Virginia.

All the duffel bags were too small or had the poles and the wheels, making them awkward and heavy and unsmushable.  I gave up at Walmart and sat down on the floor, talking and crying on the phone with Mom.  She was very encouraging and I went to review the bags again and found the perfect one.  It's a good size- large, but still manageable.  There are wheels, so you could drag it through an airport, but no poles, so it's not too heavy, and it's smushable.  So smushable, in fact, that you can zipper the whole thing up into one end, making it look like a large lunch bag.

I bought a tiny card and put positive, loving words and a $20 bill in it.  I put that in the mesh front pocket, along with root beer gum, chapstick, a road troll, and a 3D drawing pad that comes with 3D glasses.

Chris showed me the blankets he had already set out for Jasmine to lie down on in the car.  I reminded him that when she starts to shake, it means she's going to vomit soon.

We went to Applebee's.  It should have been a TGI Friday's, but there aren't any left around here.

We had a beer, shared our favorite appetizer, and talked about the past, present, and future.  We split the bill, then talked for a good measure more in the parking lot.  Then we said goodbye.

"Take good care of the three of you," I cried.

"I promise."

One last hug and he laughs.

"You STILL have a poop bag..."

Time out

I wrote a lot yesterday and deleted it.  Self-imposed time-out.  Today I will try again.

My heart actually hurts.  In what is a very short notice decision, Chris says that he and Ant will be moving to L.A. tomorrow.

I don’t have the energy to debate with you about how you think this is great news, or when will I move on, or how hard you think I am making things for myself.

I am just going to tell you that this is not going to happen on your timeline.

And that doesn’t mean that I’m doing anything wrong.  That just means that it’s hard, and it’s going to be hard and take lots of time because that’s how these things work.

I’m glad you think I deserve someone better, because even if Chris had some really shitty behavior, the love we still have for each other somehow survived all that.  Must have been some pretty powerful stuff.

The bad things are true, but they do not negate the good things.

And I feel actual, physical pain in my heart.