A Forced Adventure

I just got a call from Ant's school.  They said he was absent yesterday, unexcused.  I told them to call Chris.  It still made my stomach hurt.  Actually, it's worse than that.  I feel shaky and upset and anxious, but I have to set all that aside.  No, first I have to label it.

Right now I feel anxious.

I sat here feeling awful and wondering why.  Oh- it's because things are all retarded and I'm not allowed to go fix them anymore.  If I don't identify it, I'll sit here all day in a distracted rut with no idea why.  Now I can be in a slightly less distracted rut because I am forcibly redirecting myself (often) towards something that I do have control over.

I like my apartment.  I'm glad Jenea pushed to look at something upstairs because now I have this wonderful little sanctuary.  I like how I have things set up.  I like that I make little messes that are easily cleaned up- they do not multiply when my back is turned.  I like that my stuff is settling into homes, readjusting themselves as necessary.  I like that there are no mysterious numbers in my budget.  I like that the cat wants to go outside- I think I might try to teach her to walk on a leash.  That may be a crazy objective, but it will keep me entertained, no doubt.  I like how neat and clean everything is, but check with me in a few months.  I like all the recycling bins outside of my building.  I like that my new world is a one-bedroom apartment that is quiet even with music on.

There are things I have been waiting to do and I am compiling a list.

I wanted something different than this- I wanted to provide a safe and stable home for a kid who needed one.  I did that and I am confused- what could be more important?  What is a bigger priority than that?  Well, it doesn't matter because I was consistent and I can always be consistent- whether it's with my dogs or Ant.  They know what to expect from me and they can rely on it.  This was not my choice and people keep saying I have been freed, but I don't feel liberated... I feel sad.  I don't understand and I don't feel missed, though I'm sure I am.  I will be.  This may be my "forced adventure," but I intend to enjoy it as much as possible.  I would have stayed forever- through such unnecessary and unwarranted behavior- for a kid who deserved the stability I provided.  It was not easy to be what he needed instead of what he wanted.  I have a homework assignment to determine my values: to identify and write down what matters to me.  It seems clear already that our values do not align.  That didn't matter as much before Ant came... or maybe they were different in theory than in practice.  I don't know, I don't understand.  I am very confused about what could be so wrong because no matter how I think about this, I can stand behind my actions completely.  Maybe he just can't anymore.

So I'll write my sadness, my confusion, and try to leave my angry, violent, misdirected thoughts somewhere safe until I can let them go for good.  I'll take my extra fifteen minutes of panic and confusion and grief and cry a little and write a lot more, then I'll take a few deep breaths, blow my nose, and go back to work.  Then I'll go home and walk Riley somewhere new, make something new for dinner, read a new book, learn a new hobby, take a new class, meet some new people and try to let go so this river can carry me somewhere new.

The grand canyon is a good metaphor

This is what I'm posting instead of what I wrote last night. If I can have the good sense to erase that when I am in a place like that, I think I can trust my instincts. I will do this on my own terms and be someone I can be proud of even if I am treated poorly. I will not retaliate.

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