I think about getting a dog- Lena's Bill made the point that she could easily make that happen- but I think now might not be the best time. I see people walking their dogs and I think I could easily change my life if a dog showed up, but for now I am playing tennis three times a week, I'm going out a lot, and I may join a pool players league. I had Riley through some very unsettled times, and I'd like to do it better. Of course, I could meet a dog and change my mind immediately.
It feels so quiet at home, but it's also nice to shake the routines up- I do not have to go home right away, I do not have to put on shoes and a coat last thing at night, and finding these things that felt automatic and are no longer necessary remind me that they are not just obligations- there are values in them, and a choice.
Most of the time I feel like everyday Jenny, and sometimes I am blown over with sadness. I am not sad for Riley- she had a full, interesting life and it ended so beautifully, and I constantly think about how lucky we were to have that. I am sad for me, and I feel appropriately ungrounded, having lost my shadow.
I keep thinking of these memories and think I need to write them down or I might forget them. Riley was not an obsessive licker, but your hand might get a couple kisses when saying hello. When I went to do laundry downstairs, she would wander out on the grass while I kept an eye out, poop bag at the ready. My neighbors knew if she was out, I was nearby, but they always made sure.
My favorite thing- what warmed my heart every time it happened and every time I think of it- is that when she rode on my lap in the car (and she was always so well-behaved), she liked to rest her head on my driving arm. I always loved that, and hoped for straight stretches so she would stay longer, but it would only be for a few seconds at most before she'd lift her head up and look somewhere else. I treasured those seconds every time and tried to feel everything to absorb it and remember it and it worked, because now when I think about her, that's where she is.
When I said to Lena and friends that I had yet to pick out my own dog, they thought maybe I should continue in that tradition. I have no doubt that if I take too long, the universe will hand me one. For now though, I will just miss my girl.
