Naptime

I was going to write this earlier, but short blogs need to be written on the phone, I guess. Now we're outside under a mostly blue sky with only brown smudgy parts near the horizon. News articles say that the Rim Fire is probably going to continue for a few more weeks, but the air is mostly breathable outside today.

Before my movie nap, I wanted to tell you that I have signed up for a crochet class- I am pretty excited about that.

Also, I am wondering how to keep track of where I last stabbed myself. The doctor explained that I need to move an inch at a time across, then down an inch and back across, but it is not that easy to keep track of. I can't find the marks and am considering ink poisoning as a solution. If they make pens for writing on fabric, surely they make pens that are safe for writing on people. What do surgeons use? And what do you call that game where the board is a graph of dots and you have to make complete squares, because that's gonna be my new nickname. I don't know how else I can keep track of where I'm at. Any ideas? I don't need any help figuring out where the next Lantus shot goes. It goes right next to the spot that hurts. :(

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More

No, not more earthquakes.

Just thoughts.

I took Riley out and was talking to a neighbor.  "You're so mellow," she said during our conversation.  Really?  When did that happen?  I've heard that I seem happier and more relaxed.  There's a benefit, huh?  I am not actually a constantly stressed, nagging bitch who makes everyone miserable, but that's who I felt like before.  I had a feeling that I wasn't crazy or asking for too much.  Hey look, I'm (can be) a pleasant person to be around!

I found a cute little notebook at Target that I can fit in my kit.  I was looking through the greeting cards and laughed at a good one.  The laugh caught me off guard and I snorted in front of some guy in the aisle.  He left, but came back once I was done.  Was it really that bad?  Where else can you snort if not the greeting card aisle?  That made me giggle even more.

Painting is almost done on the outside of our buildings.  They warned us not to park close to the buildings in case of overspray, but it looked like they were on to brushes and touch ups.  I asked the guy coming down the ladder if I needed to move my car.

"Espanol?" he asked.

I tried to think if I knew the word for car.

"Carro?" he asked.

Now, that sounds made up.  We resolved the question with gestures.  When I came by again, I had looked up the word on my phone.

"Coche!" I said.

"No," he replied.

"No?"

"Carro."

I did a little more research and I think I referred to a train car.  It is carro.  Duly noted.  As I walked around, I tried to remember 7th grade Spanish: Lunes, Martes, Miercoles... uhhhh....

So the first class I take will be math.  Second is Spanish.

Thanks to those wet floor signs, I was able to express myself exactly when I saw that his ladder was balanced on a pile of rocks.

"Cuidado!" I cried, alarmed, pointing to the base of the ladder.

"Si," he replied.

Earthquake and Endocrinology

We just had an earthquake.  A 4.2 north of Spanish Springs.  My building rocked.  Riley seemed unfazed, but Solo hid.  She just came creeping out of the bedroom towards the slider to look out, body low.  Well, that was exciting.

I wanted to document my visit to the endocrinologist today to process what he said and better remember it, so sorry if this is boring.

So first, I have to go buy a cute new notebook to track my blood sugar, because what I'm doing is working and I just need to fine tune it, which means writing everything down, which I hate doing.  My incentive is both his praise that I'm doing great and knowing a lot of my success hinges on me studying my own blood sugar readings.  Maybe a cute notebook will help.

During the nurse's visit, we checked my height, which hasn't been done in... I don't know.  Lena's right, I'm not 5'7", I'm 5'7 3/4".  The nurse gave me 5'8".  Mystery solved.

Endocrinology says:

Continue checking at bedtime, eat a snack if below 170.

It takes up to one year for your system to be completely rid of Depo Provera.  Great.  And he's not a fan of Depo for diabetics anyway, so I suspect if I hadn't already decided to stop, he'd have convinced me to.

I need to adjust the long-acting insulin by two units at a time, waiting 3-4 days to see the results before adjusting it again.  Dosage should be adjusted if fasting blood sugar is below 80 or above 140.

If my blood sugar is good before a meal, it should be 80-160 1.5 hours after I eat.  If not, the carb counting is wrong.

If I correct my blood sugar before a meal, it should be 80-160 1.5 hours after I eat.  If not, the correction rate is wrong.  The doctor thinks my actual correction rate should be 1:25-30.

By the way, Jenny, this means testing 1.5 hours after you eat.  Be prepared to set more alarms and make yourself insane with all the record keeping you are going to have to do.

My injection sites are developing some thick tissue.  He said you should not use the same spot more than once a month in order to let it heal.  Thickening tissue will make the insulin's effectiveness sporadic, and if I move the injection sites around more, I will likely need less insulin, because it will work better.  I have to start basically right below my bra strap, where I can pinch some skin and move over an inch at a time across my midsection, then down about an inch and work my way across again, avoiding the belly button.  I'll also go back to jabbing my legs on the tops of my thighs.  Can't wait to start that again.  :(

Glucose tabs are better than juice not because the tabs are already glucose instead of fructose.  They are better because the tabs are chewed and absorbed in the mouth heading directly into the blood stream, while juice and other options are swallowed and sent to the stomach, which doesn't work when blood sugar is low.

I often wake up high the morning after my middle of the night crashes.  I'm not having too many glucose tabs- 3 or 4 is perfect.  It's the supporting snack with protein that's too much.  Cut that piece of peanut butter toast in half.

My thyroid test results are normal for the average mixed population, but it's too low for a female my age.  I don't exactly get this, because my last result was 4.75 and they'd like me at 2.5-3, so how do I qualify as too low?  But whatever, he told me today that I have hypothyroidism, not hyper.

Signs to watch for regarding the thyroid are palpitations, feeling jittery, and on the other side, malaise.  I always read that the medication for hypo leads to problems with hyper, and vice versa, so I cannot keep them straight.  The main thing I want to do here is utilize my readers and ask you to give me a nudge if I start complaining about something that sounds thyroid related, since I am notoriously oblivious about these things.

The sky was mostly clear yesterday, but today we're back to smoke, so I am going to feed the animals and go look for a new notebook.  Then Riley and I will do a short walk and maybe wander through Home Depot.  Oh, and I finished The Dust Bowl.  Turns out we're working on creating the same problem, only now we're also using up the underground water.  We'll turn the Great Plains into the Sahara yet!  Love you, Ken Burns, but Prohibition was less depressing than this.

Last of all- while on the 4th floor today, I stopped to meet and chat with the schedulers that I know well by name, but never met.  They are appreciative of my notes because I collect as much scheduling information as I can and get permission for them to schedule within those parameters and send out the card rather than playing phone tag.  Yesterday I went into work to help catch up from Friday's insanity.  I finished my own notes, then started on my coworkers' and found things like this:

Last name of veteran
Last four of veteran's SSN
"Pulmonary"

What the fuck does that mean?  What a waste!  Now I have to call them back to see what they wanted and still have to forward it on to that department.  Why don't these people understand that not only are they making the vet play some very unnecessary phone tag, they are also not helping their colleagues or even themselves?  This just means more phone calls for you, too!  I was SO annoyed.  So today was nice when I got to meet these folks in another department and they expressed appreciation for what I do and what I have gotten some of my coworkers to do.  "Those notes are my favorites," said my favorite and most helpful scheduler up there.  Aww.  That makes me feel nice.  It also makes me think harder about how I can inspire more of my coworkers to do this very simple action instead of just get mad at them, which is my first reaction.  That's probably a better plan than shaking an example at them, shouting, "WHY WON'T YOU DO THIS!?!?!?!!?"

Part Two from earlier blog

I just finished an apprentice program that I originally did not apply for because I knew that between Chris, Ant, the dogs and everything, I would surely miss one of the eight mandatory classes, or I'd be late, or something would come up and I'd have to drop out of the program, so why even start? Tracy said recently that it's amazing I got through school. I am very proud of that. Honestly, though, it never occurred to me to quit. Not even during hell semester, when I lost all financial aid, lost my relationship, then broke my hand. I always thought I was a flake until I said that to my counselor, who strongly disagreed. "You are very selective about what you commit to," she said, "because when you do, it's 100%." That's true- just look at Chris or Ant or my animals. I hear your urging, Mom, and I feel the need to do something brave and incredible. I will accept your impatience as a necessary reminder to keep me reaching, but I want this moment here to pat myself on the back and say that not only did I reach, but I worked hard and "blew through the program," as my instructor said (Isn't that awesome?), and I not only finished it, but made a good impression on people in charge, and my instructor wants me to read the new books he's ordered for next year's class and give him feedback on them. He also wants me to come speak to next year's class about writing and work with them on editing. That's way more than just finishing the program. I'm managing my bills, and I've got a lovely cocoon. I was so happy to return to it- to my routine, my life.

I got through most of the second half of The Dust Bowl, and I can never say that everything that happens to people has some higher purpose. Sometimes sacrifice yields no reward. Currently, I think that perspective largely determines what's good or bad, but when it's been a decade and nothing's working, you just have to go suffer in a different state for a while before you figure out what to do next. I have been feeling so grossly out of place, unwelcome and alone, sad and despairing, but I look up to find that other plants have grown. I now know people who have no idea what Chris or my old life or the old me looks like, and these are people that I hug. I have become a part of my new environment, and it has become part of me. I have things to show for this- I have growth. I just now noticed that, and wanted to tell you.

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Movie Metaphor

I dreamed last night that I had a serious physical altercation with both my parents that rang with I-hate-you adolescent strife, but we were fighting with dish towels.  I don't know what it was all about, but we stopped when I found a kitten in the rain.  Hmm.

Now that I have internet again, I am reclaiming my Netflix.  On "My List" was Glee and Toddlers and Tiaras, Family Guy and other items I had not put on this list.  Thankfully, it had been so long since I had changed the password that the only "Recently Watched" items were my Frasier episodes.  Unfortunately, it still remembered everything the residents of Corrigan Way had been watching, so in order to see what the new movie options were, I had to scroll down through suggestions made from their watching history.  But now, after watching a few interesting things just since I've been back home, it's updated!  My List, Recently Watched by Jenny, and Top 10 for Jenny are all actually things chosen by me, watched by me, and suggested for me.  This is not a small thing.  I have been waiting for the day when turning on Netflix didn't remind me of things I didn't want to think about.  It's been over 10 months now, almost up to a year.  Remember Downhill Racer?

From the top you can see so far into the distance
Look, it's downhill all the way from here
And getting there is quicker, let go and you'll just slide
It shouldn't take more than a year

That felt true then, and it feels true now.  My Netflix account is a sign to me of another goal accomplished.  Last night I watched a few TED talks and the first half of the Ken Burns documentary about the Dust Bowl.  There are TED talks on Netflix, Mom!  A while ago, I thought I'd like to watch one of those a day.  That just proved quite easy to do- thanks, Netflix.  I feel so much better turning on Netflix and seeing things I want to watch.  It's such a simple thing that's representative of so much more.  It's like what Tracy said about her competition on Friday- you work and work and work towards something and feel like you're getting nowhere, but suddenly there's all that progress- visible to everyone else, but more importantly, visible to you.  Watching movies is not the same as what she's put into ballroom, clearly, but there is something so powerful and emotional about finally seeing my choices on the screen.  Netflix is a neat metaphor for what's going on both inside me and out.  With every choice I make for myself, forging ahead alone, I am banishing demons.  And with each choice, more of the picture of who I actually am is clearer to me and to Netflix, and another Gory Horror Movie or Goofy Stoner Comedy is gone.