The shortest days

Alright, well... sad updates. I called the vet today for the pre-determined check in, and considering her condition, he felt it was time. I have a home euthanasia scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. I'm going back and forth on this, but then she'll wake up and I can just see it's true. The mass is causing her pain and she doesn't close her mouth all the way because her teeth are cutting into it. It's getting harder to get her to take her pills and I've increased the pain pills to the max on their directions. The vet said to keep up the meds if she'll take them, but not to fight her. He told me that the meds are only buying time, and a few weeks at most- the compassionate thing to do is let her go.

I've been crying most of the day, but Sarah and Amanda just took me out for food, beer, and ice cream. I had maybe half of a Like It- some lovely peanut butter and chocolate combination. The rest is in my freezer. I took Riley out around 5, and we sat in the shade on a little hill. I think I've been a pretty good dog mama, but of course right now I just feel guilty and inadequate.

Dad is coming up to be with me through this. I'm really grateful for that. I feel like I know how much this is going to hurt, but I know anticipating never covers it. I'm trying to absorb as much of her as I can now- pets and cuddles and kisses. Sometimes she wants to tackle the stairs on her own, but mostly she just waits for me to carry her. I use every time to kiss her and feel her weight, try to make her feel as supported and safe as possible. We've switched to entirely wet food and I don't count the soft cookies. If she wants more peanut butter than what covers her pills, she gets as much as she wants. I'm thinking about getting her one of those puppuccinos from Starbucks. What else can I give her? Bacon? Steak? Spray cheese? Mostly just time to sit outside in the shade, enjoying the breeze, the smells, and the company.

Right now she is sleeping peacefully on the floor in the middle of my bedroom. The lights are on and I've been puttering and singing along with my iPod a little. I imagine these muffled goings on are normal and comforting to her. She's resting her head on the right side, just like she's done every time she's slept in the past week. Her breaths come in almost sighs, and sometimes those puffs will fluff her eyebrows.

I am going to miss you so much, little girl.

Me and my shadow

I took Riley to the vet yesterday, and while I know that she’s old and is falling apart, the news of the latest diagnosis landed like a brick. It is technically possible that it’s just an infection, but they don’t think so. They think it’s a tumor in her jaw. This development came on quickly, and felt especially horrible because I have always been able to judge how she is by her appetite. She can still eat for now, and she still wants all the cookies, but the vet said she’s probably chewing on the other side of her mouth, so I have started putting water into her kibble. She’s back on antibiotics and pain meds, but they said it’s probably just about making her comfortable. The vet said it will be time when the bad days start outnumbering the good days.

I found a scale online that’s very simple with a range of 0-2 on each category, like mobility and interaction, with each rating clearly defined. Can you imagine trying to rate those things from 1-10? You can track each rating in a table with the daily total. There’s room for notes, and the totals give you a clear answer in pretty simple terms, kind of a red light, yellow light, green light with suggestions for how to proceed. The table has the date and rating for each category plus the total, so you can track deterioration.

So I was a minor mess yesterday. It’s amazing how hard it is to keep it together, considering this isn’t really news. Riley has had a long, full, happy life, and that is the goal. I was trying to think about it from a nicer perspective and came up with this: I can make sure her last days are not her worst days. It’s horrifying how many people actually surrender their animals to the shelter because they are old. Now’s the time to spoil her even more than usual, and to make sure that she gets her time outside, sitting in the shade and smelling the air.

But arrgghhhh, it is awful. I got some prices- the euthanasia is totally affordable, and it’s not much more to have the vet come to my place, which is SUCH a relief. The cremation is expensive, but I don’t like the alternatives, and if I get her ashes, I can let her go at Topaz, a.k.a. Dog Heaven. That’s been the plan for years.

The other awful thing about all this is how alone it makes me feel. I keep looking at my phone for someone to call, but this is really nobody’s but mine. It’s not as if I’m alone- I feel a lot of love from a lot of people who are really supportive, but I keep looking to that empty space next to me. I know I can do this alone, and I probably will, and my friends and family will buoy me up when it happens, but it sure does make me feel lonely. Even if there was someone in that space, it’s still going to be awful. I can see spending a few days curled up with Solo, who will also be feeling that loss daily. I printed out months’ worth of those tracking sheets, and noted how optimistic that was. I don’t get to know how long she’ll be around, and she could bounce back and outlive us all. This news yesterday reminded me again how it’s never the problems you expect. I know that, but I just cannot stop anticipating. That’s why we both needs those daily breaks to go sit outside in the sun or the shade and just be there together.

Like a diamond in the sky

Today was a wholly frustrating day. It should have been a lovely and productive day, and I wrestled it back in that direction, but it was definitely not going well. Nothing awful happened, it was just not working. I'm doing a neat editing job, and you would not believe the difficulty I've had in just printing a damn document. I will not get into all the time or programs or logins or blank pages or nonsensical page numbers or computers or emails or devices I have head to deal with, but I may or may not have been the one cussing in FedEx today.

It is possible for me to edit on a computer, and I do often, but this one I needed in my hands. By the time I got it, I was mad and hot and tired and crampy and in serious need of a cookie. Nothing else went that well today either- just a pile of inconveniences, like how the car wash didn't help the view-obstructing water spots on the windshield, or that the postage machine was busted after I finally drove my ass over there, AND Riley definitely has something else going on now, so it's back to the vet tomorrow. It was a full day of frustration.

What's nice, though, is that there are clean sheets on my bed, resting comfortably (just like I will be soon) under my new cotton quilt that Mom and Marty sent for my birthday. I slept under that quilt last night, and it felt so nice- nicer than I could have imagined. I've been all sweaty under my duvet even with the AC on. And no, I cannot sleep without a blanket on- everyone knows that's how the monsters get you.

It was lovely under that quilt, and it's a lovely quilt- a neat pattern and a good color. Solid choice, you two. I slept much better than I have in a long while, and I didn't want to get up this morning. I guess I shouldn't have.

Thank you!