I gotta say it was a good day

Well, I made it to Kohl's, but not the gym, the laundromat, or the laundromutt. Of course I made it to Kohl's. Got some more delightful underwear on clearance. Now I can throw out the ones that don't fit well- isn't that a relief.

Then I headed to Walmart for that Easter chocolate squares Ghiradelli was advertising, an eyeglass repair kit, and some random grocery items. I can hear the screws loosening on my glasses sometimes and get very worried that I won't have anything to fix them with. Of course, when I need it, I probably won't remember where I put it.

The Ghiradelli squares help me manage my dark chocolate intake. They are individually wrapped and about 6 grams of carbs apiece, so I can throw one into my lunch and not feel tempted to overdo it. I'm going to have to go to something else soon, because I am bored with their flavors. I want just dark chocolate with sea salt, but they don't make that one... yet. And Lindt sucks. So I went to get this new mysterious one out of Easter. Ugh. It's milk chocolate with a white chocolate bunny on it. Gross.

Jennyway, I met Jenea at the Sparks Marina to walk her baby and my dog. It was beautiful out today and while a bit windy, the temperature was nice. I had not been to the Marina before. There's a wide path around the water that Jenea said is two miles. People fish there, and there's a park and a place to stop and eat, and a dog park. We walked the loop and stopped for lunch. It was a nice time, but Riley and I came home and crashed... for two and a half hours. I suppose I am not quite back up to speed.

Tonight I think I'll eat my baked potato, maybe start a puzzle and watch a movie. At Walmart, I bought one potato, one avocado, a bag of salad, and a small block of cheddar. "You must not be very hungry," said the checkout lady. "This isn't your grocery shopping for the week, is it?" Ha ha ha.

I did buy the eyeglass kit when I finally figured out that they were hiding in the Vision Center. I almost bought an adorable Denver Broncos t-shirt that looked very comfortable and flattering, but I did not, as I would inevitably have some male ask me if I liked the team and have to confess that I just liked the colors. But if it's flattering enough, who cares, right? And confession: I wore mascara today. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Hey- some happiness!

I love this place.

I love that I don't have to worry about turning the porch light on because it's on a timer.

I love opening my door and seeing a tiny foyer with a bookshelf that perfectly fits the wall, the neatly organized books, and my cat shelves above.

There are no cords or cables or random parts that have no homes.

I love that my place is often clean instead of rarely. I make a lot of messes, but I clean them up. Seeing my place clean makes me want to thumb my nose at you-know-who and say what do you know, I wasn't the problem.

I love that I am still finding homes for things. I love that it's all my decision. I love that I listen to whatever I want to. I love this place and I love my view. I love my dog and my cat and my silence.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

It's always nice to start the day this way

Bad, bad dreams.

Squirming awake, the dream too awful to sleep through.

Attempts to recover, to separate dreams from reality. This means thinking of the dream, which creates pangs of shame and hurt. Then a deeper hurt to recognize that the dream is not all that different from reality.

Inability to go back to sleep, worries about funds, frustration at dependence on person who is capable of doing horrible things things, person who ripped my heart out.

Itchy eyes from snuggling with the cat.

Then I give in and write, sob, hurt.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

In dreams

And of course, in what seems to be a direct result of deciding that brighter days are ahead, I have weird dreams about Ant and Chris. I remember hugging Ant, telling him I missed him a lot, telling him how proud I was of him. I also remember Chris implying different things were my fault, and I was impervious to those attacks. With each one, I was able to defend myself with a plain and simple truth that he was unable to dispute. I don't remember much else, but those are probably the only parts that matter.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Daylight savings, indeed.

I don't really want to walk today.  I am going to have to go do something, though, because my body will rebel if I sail right through my break without leaving my chair.

I stayed in bed for a good forty minutes this morning, not able to get up.  I was not alone, apparently.  Several coworkers have blamed Daylight Savings Time for our collective inability to move today.  As Jeff put it, we're going to need a shot of adrenaline to make it through the day.  I feel as if I have been drugged and beaten thoroughly with a stick.  Now it's time for my annual complaint about the execution of DST.

Why the hell can't we move the clocks ahead on a Thursday night?  You'll have one day that's off kilter and a weekend to recover, rather than feeling off and belligerent for an entire week.  Even Friday night would be better, though I believe we do need a real work day to process the change.  Nobody pays attention to the hour change on the weekend.

After another emotionally wrecked evening, I called Tracy again.  She and I have thankfully alternated our moping times, so one can support and encourage the other.  She suggested I magnify some good things like I magnify the bad, so I decided that DST represents a break in my misery.  There is suddenly more light in my life and I'll have more sunshine every day.  (I will allow this metaphor to expire before it's time to set the clocks back again.)  I have been keeping my head down and surviving through this mess and surprise!  It's time for spring.  I could kick the flowers and tell the birds to shut up or join in on their singing. 

The summer fell and the winter sprang

Alright.  Let's just call this the transitional week and say that from here on out, my days will be brighter.

It is a good thing that little dogs are so cute.

I took Riley to the little dog park yesterday. It's finally been nice enough and I no longer have a Pit Bull to worry about. It was ok- Riley eventually left my side and found people to beg cookies from, and even found a little boy Pomeranian that she adored. She played with him, chased him, he chased her... it was very cute to watch. The problem was that it was the first time I have been to a dog park in a long time and even when I was going, I either had someone with me or knew some regulars. I was very aware of being there alone and being very uncomfortable.

I did talk to some people- most of whom were very nice- but you know how programmed we are to see the bad things. So Riley stopped for a drink at a water bowl that someone had set out. The common rule regarding water bowls at the dog park is that anyone's dog can drink, because we're all dog lovers and would be happy to help out any thirsty dog. There were many water bowls out. I had brought a bottle and a little bowl, but I didn't stop her from drinking. It was when she started nosing through someone's non-water bowl belongings (probably looking for cookies) that I called her to me. The water bowl owner, who had brought his own lawn chair and was clearly a regular, stopped his conversation to tell me in a snotty tone that she could have a drink, like I'm an evil dog mom that doesn't know how dog parks work and would rather have my dog go thirsty. I think if he'd had a nicer tone, I would have explained that I did let her drink and why I was calling her, but the little bit of snarl in his voice shook me, and I could not respond. I could feel him watching me, as he did not know me like he did the other people. I'm sure my discomfort showed and made me look even less familiar with the place than I am, but way to welcome someone new, asshole!

Aside from being uncomfortable and that guy, it was a nice time. There were lots of little dogs there that I got to meet, even if Riley was uninterested in most of them. All it takes is one, and she loved that Pomeranian. The negative part shook me pretty hard, though, and I was distracted and upset on the way home. Close to my door, I remembered this week's horoscope that I'd just read that morning. It was talking about the importance of taking what worked from an experience and chucking the rest. Solid advice right now. I keep thinking about Shannon's observation that my self-esteem must be in the toilet, and incidents like this seem to prove it. Why did that shake me so hard? It was actually a kind offer, even if only to my dog and not to me. This should be something that I brush off, not something that derails my day. How do you build confidence?

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10