It feels like I'm always in a state of transition, but I think I'm entering a state of transition.
I feel restless all the time, and while I'm really happy with a lot of how my life looks, I am apparently dissatisfied with a lot. So what to do.
I've been thinking a lot about how to take on the big things through the daily things, and I heard an expression today that suits both the task and my preference for the ridiculous: Lick by lick, the cow ate the grindstone. Tonight I got halfway through watching Creed, the updated Rocky movie. It is alright- Michael B. Jordan is great, and the fight scenes are intense and shot in many long takes, but the love story is cheesy and unrealistic, and I just can't have that in an overcoming all odds story about the guy who may not have the same physical prowess as the bad guy- but all the heart- and his inevitable, feelgood win. But Sly says "Yo Adrian" at one point, so it's all worth it. Jennyway, during the training, Rocky keeps telling his protege "one punch, one round," reminding him that you only win one punch at a time.
The game of chess came up earlier today, and again at tennis, when I relearned how to serve. My coach talked about strategy, and I was reminded about why I quit playing tennis. I did not like the competitiveness- what felt like mean-spirited moves. I found it made me mad, and then I would play worse. My coach smiled, and asked me to think about it in terms of a mind game. I closed my mouth and swallowed back my usual chorus of "I'm no good at strategy" and "I don't want to play like that" and tried to think about it as exercise for the brain. He promised that in tennis, you're planning less moves in advance, but you are thinking about challenging your opponent, and knocking them out of their groove. I'm wondering why I like tennis so much. Is it because I learned it young? I do like the lines and aesthetics of it, but maybe there's something about the strategy I also like. Isn't that a basic theme of all sports? On another possibly unrelated sidenote, I sent Sarah a picture of my progress on a puzzle she'd given me, and her husband remarked that I was very strategic, which surprised me. Two things I would have never anticipated being called this past year: strategic and sporty.
The regular deal with me is that I would most often rather be passive, because my assertive goes straight to aggressive. I know that may look wrong to my family, but that's because I'm very comfortable with you. In my daily life, I give in. I love to drive, and will absolutely take the wheel, but if someone's grabbing it, I'll let them take it. My other tennis coach is constantly after me to hold my ground, because when I do, I am a force to be reckoned with. And Tracy said something to me the other day about speaking up that was really funny- her example was if some creep tried to carry me off, the time to disagree is not once I'm already tied up in his rape lair (I must specifically credit her for the words "rape lair," because that's still cracking me up).
So I get these things, and am seeing them everywhere, so now it's about how to incorporate them. Another saying I just found is: A Sunday well spent brings a week of content. Yeah, I know- I'm rolling my eyes along with you- but I'm trying to figure out what this means- is it about being an ant, or is it about being a grasshopper?
I recently heard from both a resiliency class and a happiness podcast a warning about the danger of stockpiling. Keeping enough of whatever is not going to help in a crisis. What's going to help is your ability to adapt. A brief disclaimer, of course, that of course you need some things on hand, but this was specifically about the excess. That was Ant's criticism- if I wrote that part. He said I was very organized, I just had a lot of the same things.
I have some things to do, but the processing helps to clarify and solidify. In my mind, I've got three main things to do- and I found a tool for thought yesterday on how to break those things down into steps. The bottom line is my favorite Joan Rivers quote:
It doesn't get better. You get better.
It's not going to get easier, or less complicated, or more beautiful. I do want to get better- it is my constant quest. And if I want to get better, and to accomplish the things I have in mind, I'd better repurpose my daily time.
1) Practice calmly holding my ground
2) Use what I've got and purge what I don't need
3) Write and edit
