I feel a little better now after a shower and tears. I'm feeling sad, disproportionately angry, and very lonely. I'm feeling very down on myself and struggling to keep it observational, but I do not like how I feel or the state I am in. The despair feels familiar and permanent, as if I always feel this way, but I don't believe that's true. I feel angry and shortchanged about everything except Riley, but I know that's not accurate either. I feel like I'm just now crawling out of a huge hole of grief and loss and now I'm headed into another, but I know it hasn't been a solid four years of grief. It's been four years of lessening grief with widening moments of happiness and gratitude, but in these moments, it feels like grief just lives here. It is so difficult to treat feelings as anything else than absolute truth.
