Ok, it seems apparent that I can't do any of the things I need to do until I get this out, so...
Ant has chosen to move out. I am tremendously sad, and this sure felt inevitable, but as my friends keep reminding me, this is not my doing. The problem was that he did not want to live by my rules and keep our agreement. I think this decision was made largely because he had somewhere to go where he would have no rules. It's hard to compete against that, and the drive to live with his girlfriend certainly won over living with his stepmom. The very hard thing for me is having to withhold my help. In the class I am coaching, in the class I am taking, and in the situation with my crazy neighbor lady who hates me, I am learning about assertiveness. I had it confirmed again today that assertiveness is not moving forward in aggressiveness, or moving backwards in passiveness, or standing back and lobbing pot shots in passive-aggressiveness, but in simply standing your ground. It's uncomfortable and it's making me feel like I am withholding love and support. I did keep my word, both on what I would do and what I wouldn't do, and Ant has honored that part. This won't mean my love for him will disappear, and I won't disappear from his life. I was happy to pick up that role again and I still stand ready to do the same again. Something changed in him at the beginning of this semester- I saw it and asked. I tried to investigate it, I tried to help him identify it, and I tried to encourage him to continue through it. I have to remind myself that I tried as hard as I could, and this does not mean that I failed or he failed. He'll get through, and so will I. I'm just sad. At the moment, it's hard to think that I helped at all, but many people have reminded me that this time- much like the five years I spent raising him- helped to give him another perspective, another way of living. That he will look to that example both in the short term and the long term, and will find things in that he will want to emulate. Of course, my home feels very empty. I knew this would be short term, and what's amazing is that this guardianship paperwork laid out the dates. The day we signed it was the day he moved in. It was good for six months, and the day he moved out was exactly six months later- to the day. He didn't know that. I feel like once again, I didn't get nearly the time I had hoped for, and I wanted to do so much more. I didn't realize that paper would be telling me the future. One thing I do feel glad about is the way we ended it. He was not kicked out. We had an agreement. He knew what I needed from him, he agreed to it, he knew what the consequences would be, and he chose not to meet it. He was warned he only had three strikes in advance and throughout, and he collected them in succession. Rather than make a plan for an exit, he decided to leave immediately. He did not want the assistance there either. In response, I reminded him it was not entirely his decision, but he told me he had made up his mind, so I had him leave his key. Now we're coordinating the collection of his things. The thing I'm proud of is that he left with no yelling, no lectures, no prevention of taking his things, but also no ridiculous gestures from me offering to give him a ride to his girlfriend's or something similar. That's the part that doesn't feel good, but I kept my end of the bargain. What he left with was a hug, an "I love you," and an honest wish for success. I held to my terms, but according to my values. There is love and respect.
Shortly after he left, I found something he left for me- things he'd taken not out of thievery, but out of simple use. I had asked him about it- going to look for something where I'd left it to find it gone- and he denied taking it. I did not accuse, but pointed out that there were only two people living in my house, and I did not say it meanly. The night he left, I found those things replaced. Not the originals, but substitutes. Also, that night, after I'd come home and called him on strike #3 and taken a timeout to breathe, I came back to discuss the exit strategy, which is when he told me he would be leaving that night. Then he said that besides, it was done- our agreement- and that it wouldn't be fair... and trailed off. I don't know if he meant that it wasn't fair for him to stay and take advantage- he said he'd already taken enough- or if it was unfair for me to try to give him more leeway in leaving- to come up with a plan first. Either way, it's good on him. He's told me a few times during the past six months that he feels unsafe settling in anywhere, and won't until it's by his own means. You and I know that this would also exclude his girlfriend's parents' place, but 17 year old thinking is convenient thinking. This feeling of his is valid, though, as I'm sure you can all see. I learned today that we develop our strategies for dealing with conflict between the ages of 3 and 6. Throughout our lives, we can certainly develop new ones, but none are as easy to traverse as the superhighways we've been traveling on for years. The new ones are rocky footpaths that need time and practice to become easy to use. He told me very recently that he cannot live like me- that he cannot function in an environment this stable. He obviously CAN live without the upheaval, but he KNOWS upheaval, and it feels like home to him. Maybe it always will. Maybe someday he'll decide he wants something different.
His intention for now is to live with his girlfriend, but continue going to the school in my district. His first day back is tomorrow, and he is starting out in a responsible manner- checking off the boxes they required of him. Keep him in your good thoughts. I don't know yet if this path will be good or bad, but it is determinedly his.
For me, it's time to go get my groceries and eat some good food. Time to feed my animals and have a quiet night. Friends have gathered close around me- checking in and inviting me out, but allowing me space, ready with hugs and reassurance.
It was so worth a try.
