Discombobulator

Mom came for a short visit a couple weeks ago. We kept it low key but still managed to fit plenty in, and I subjected her to a tennis lesson, dinner with friends, and a meeting with my mentor. We walked around downtown and checked out the art museum, went out for dinner, lunch, breakfast, froyo, iced tea, and groceries. She made the most delicious meal I have eaten in memory- baked chicken, roasted squash and carrots, and steamed fresh green beans. I threw in a couple frozen wheat rolls.

Tonight I tried making that meal on my own, seasoning the chicken ahead of time and roasting delicata squash instead of the one she made. I sliced the squash too thin or cooked it too long, but I like the crispy ones anyway. My meal was not ready together, so I ate at the counter while working on the next part and doing dishes- jesus god, so many dishes- but I cooked and even roasted the squash seeds and found that yep, they are tasty and I will eat those.

I bought my few groceries at Trader Joe's and I can't wait to try roasted Brussels sprouts. I bought more of the dang apples she loves so much and felt like maybe I can cook and eat more produce after all.

I barely left the apartment this weekend- I was struck down with the curse and was too in pain to go anywhere. I started listening to the first Game of Thrones book and I am burning through it. It's nice to be sucked into a book. Feels like it doesn't happen often enough.

I'm ready for tomorrow and the rest of the week but ready for a change. I feel bored. I got the word that I made it into the next level of the leadership programs, and that is going to have me very busy, plus there is a lot of baking I'd like to do. But you know... that's not the kind of excitement I want. But oh well. I'm going to have to take care of what's in front of me.

I got my new tennis shoes again- had to exchange them for a smaller size. I definitely should have tried them on somewhere first.

Alright, that's about as constructed as this one's gonna get.

Friendsgiving 2016

Yesterday was a nice day. I spent the morning cleaning up and doing laundry, then talked to Tracy and Dad before heading over to Sarah’s. I noticed my neighbor’s truck was still there- I would have expected him to be with his family by late afternoon, so I texted to see what he was doing. Turns out, his family canceled their plans, so I invited him and his daughter along with us. Alonso was still in town too, and planned to meet us there.

Sarah and I had already reviewed the menus- every restaurant in the casino had a different one. We picked the one with gruyere green beans. They had a two hour wait, but they took our phone number instead of us having to wait in line, so we ran off to the arcade. I had never played Mario Kart before, but I won a few rounds! The wait turned out to be only about an hour fifteen, and we wandered back over. It was a nice buffet line- lots of fancy yet yummy food- and there was no road rage. The staff was hopping but very helpful, and they kept the trays full. There was an entire dessert room full of very pretty things, and they even had a sugar free chocolate cake because they don’t know any better. (The carbs will be the same, it will taste worse, AND it will cause a laxative effect.)

I do like hosting Thanksgiving, and I also like spending it with family or friends at someone’s home, but this was nice, easy, and affordable, we were stuffed, and we had no dishes to do nor leftovers to wrangle. We enjoyed each other’s company, and everybody had a good time. Even better, politics didn’t come up once.

 

 

 

 

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving! 

 

Let go and let dog (I do apologize for that title, though.)

I am finally starting to feel like I have my shit together again. I miss my dog. I miss her a lot. It's still hard to connect how I've been feeling to her loss, but I'll have these pangs when I see someone with their dog. I do think I'm gone too much and I know I would have to change my life a lot to take care of a dog- it's not fair to be gone that much in addition to 40+ hours a week. Mini's bored, and she climbs in my lap every chance she gets.

I got rid of a lot of things recently because Mom came to visit and I asked her to help me organize. I didn't think that meant purge, but I am grateful for her sharp eye- I really am. Sarah asked me later when I had last done a purge like that and I really don't think I have since I moved in. I have a lot of sentimental or obligatory attachment to things I own, and sometimes that is not as necessary as I believe.

I got a little frustrated about the dog bed, because I have given away FIVE other beds, and I was just not able to get rid of Riley's sofa bed. That kind is really hard to find- not just foam, but thick foam with big bumpers- AND I got it for a great deal. It was my favorite and hers, and I couldn't bear to donate it to someone who might not take care of it, or to a shelter or a puppy because I didn't want it peed on or otherwise destroyed. I need this one to be loved. Most of my friends have more than one dog and most are too big, and besides, if I see it, I will either be sad or judgmental. I did feel like I would know when it was the right time and place, and last night I was talking with my coach about my reaction to the urging to get rid of it, and I think it might need to go to his dog.

Writing that just made me sob. Even so, I know that doesn't necessarily mean I'm wrong. My coach was very kind and polite, but it did feel right, so he said we could just do a trial so I didn't have to commit to anything. I think it probably has a new home, and it's not that it feels wrong, it just fucking hurts to let more of her go. Today I found a vet bill and realized I can probably get rid of everything in her file, and the brakes came right on. Nope! Not yet. There's a folder full of memories.

This fall, I have been watching the leaves as they turned colors, fell, dried out, were trod into pieces and absorbed into the earth. I think about Riley like this and that feels ok. Today I was realizing that if she had been asked, I think she would have wanted to go. She was old, she was tired, and her body was falling apart quickly. Again, I'm lucky in the way it went, because she wasn't uncomfortable for long, and she seemed more tired than in pain.

I came here to write about starting to get my shit together again, and I'm very happy about that, because I have been feeling like the worst mess- embarrassing and awful. It makes sense that my life should be suddenly so off-kilter, and that it would take time to figure out this new balance.

I took the pile to the thrift store on Sunday, and the night before I had the most terrible nightmare. I was in an apartment with a roommate, packing my things. The roommate was going to stay and take over the rent, and things were calm- moving was a good thing. I was walking past the bathroom and saw Chris in there, standing just out of the way to avoid being seen, but nonchalantly enough that he could deny hiding. In thinking about this dream later, I saw that this was the layout of my apartment- this was MY apartment- and the roommate was a friend of Chris's, as they all were.

I asked him what he was doing, as he wasn't supposed to be there at that time, and his answer was patently indirect. I realized that I was being broken up with, and just became ENRAGED because this wasn't the past- I was being broken up with AGAIN. Somehow I had gone through all that, lived on my own for years, gotten sucked back in and had put blinders back on along the way and found myself in the exact same place. I had surely lost so much already just going back to him and I was going to lose everything else again. This whole time had been for nothing.

I don't think that was about Chris. No worries there. The rage and powerless feelings were so bad in that dream that I woke up and my heart was pounding. Those feelings were a regular thing in those last couple years, and I'm not sure how I managed my daily life like that.

I felt like it had more to do with dating in general, and the vulnerability I'm feeling. I still don't believe anybody. Sarah thought it was about letting so much go, especially with how much emotion I had tied to those things, and especially if I hadn't purged that much since I moved out of his place and into mine. There were things in that pile that I have owned for many, many years. It made so much immediate sense, but today I found yet another connection to Riley and just loss overall. It reminds me of this quote I read recently about having smaller meltdowns more often instead of big meltdowns rarely.

I'm sorry if you're tired of reading about Riley. I really am. But I'm also tired of apologizing, not that anyone is asking me to. I've got to write more often to find my connections and process, and I don't want that to just be while I'm in recovery mode.

I keep a list of the things I do throughout the year to remind myself of the neat things I've tried or the fun places I went. This year, two other important events made the list: Ant left, and Riley died.

Let me pause to take a few deep breaths.

It's ok to be right where I am- it's better than ok. And my friends are more than happy to loan me their dogs, and when they do, they'll bring the food and the bed and the favorite toy.

It does feel better to be lighter, it's just really hard to let go.