More Musings

He swears he's on board, so we shall see. I don't expect that our situation will last forever or even through high school- he wants to move in with his girlfriend in June. I expect that he will leave, and I also expect that he'll come back at some point.

I want him here. I want to help him; I want to be a parent for him and give him the room and encouragement to grow. But if we can't do this, he will benefit from that decision too.

Tonight we're going to a meeting about some alternative options for high school, and this afternoon he says he doesn't want to go- doesn't want to switch schools. We've been planning on going to this for at least a month. He certainly has friends at this school now, and he's certainly switched schools enough. I get that, and if he doesn't want to switch, I won't make him. I'm sure the meeting won't change his mind, but we're still going. For one, no bailing at the last minute. Two, it's good for him to know what options and career fields are out there. Three, maybe it will change his mind.

This is pretty difficult. One one hand, he wants to go hang out with his friends and be a teenager and have the structure and support. On the other hand, he wants to live on his own with his girlfriend, be independent, and do whatever he wants. He's already gotten a lot of the freedom.

Today my therapist said that if Ant chooses to leave, or if I have to end this agreement, I cannot cushion his fall. I have been marinating on that and realizing that Chris did a fair amount of that. I remember him telling me that he moved Ant to a different school at one point so Ant wouldn't be busted. That's an extreme example, but if I worry about... say, how Ant is going to make it to school if he's not living here, I need to make sure that I do not provide him a net. Doesn't that make me sound horrible? But she's right, as are the rest of the people- parents of teenagers as well as adults who left home early and struggled hard for their success. If he wants to make the choices, he needs to find out the effects. I think you could argue either side to this situation easily- either he's a victim of somebody else's bullshit, or he's created his own path, but whether it's all of one or some of both, I AM his safety net- right now. He has landed in a safe place, and if he cuts the net away, it's his choice.

Truth in Venting

I just checked my blood sugar, and that's fine, but I did just meet a friend and maybe the happy hour specials are wrecking me anyway, but if it's not that, then it's this:

My stomach- my nerves- feel exactly like they did for most of 2012. There is a twist in my diaphragm, a drop in my stomach, and my heart hurts. I had a come to Jesus meeting with Ant last night about him breaking all five of my rules. I went over those five again, named everything he gets in return, explained that I would not continue our situation if he couldn't keep up on his part, that this agreement is a choice for me and a choice for him. I asked him what he'd like to do. He said he wanted to keep our agreement, and that he could and would meet my requirements.

But today, I am met with... not evidence, but a strong suggestion that he is not going to meet these things. And it feels like shit.

If I have to end this, I will. I know that. Because for one, I'm not playing that game anymore. Two, he's gonna have to learn that shit doesn't work that way. Three, I cannot function when I feel like this, and I am not going to. How the hell did I live like this, and for how long?

Everything was going ok- he got good grades last semester, he was doing his chores... I don't know if he's just feeling comfortable or entitled or what the deal is- why things are so suddenly different, but I called him out and asked him what he wanted. I find more bullshit the next day?!?

Well, I promise I won't live like this. I would like nothing more than to help him get set up- to help him reach his goals and be the support he needs while he's still in goddamn high school- even after! But if this is what he's going to bring to the table, he's going to have to find another table. And I'm not just saying it.