Groceries are bought and put away, half my apartment is cleaned and vacuumed, my tree is up (thanks to Sparky for that kick in the pants), Amazon boxes are stacked more or less under the tree, and reciprocal Amazon boxes will make it in time. It's almost midnight, but it's still Saturday night, and I'm going to watch as much of The Fellowship as possible (about 20 minutes, I'm sure) before I fall asleep. I often feel like weekends get away from me, but this one feels good.
I finally had my pre-holiday meltdown and just took half of a pre-holiday valium.
I am extremely unhappy with myself at the moment, and it is really hard to reach past this feeling to convince myself that it is only temporary, and that I do not always hate myself. That not everything I do is selfish and procrastinating.
Valium works quickly.
Ok, so two things I know to do right now:
1) Be grateful. I have amazing people in my life who either aren't aware that I am awful or who love me in spite of it. I have a lot of good that needs to be noticed.
2) Redefine or revisit my values. Is what I'm doing in line with what's important to me?
This is like math: I need to make sure I'm using the right formula and setting up the problem right.
Here's a tired, half-drugged attempt:
It is important to me to treat myself kindly.
It is important to me to show appreciation to all, but especially the ones dear to me.
It is important to me to be a good pet owner.
It is important to me to be brave.
It is more important to me to make a messy effort than none at all.
