Sister time!

I have not blogged because there has been no time! We are worn out.

Wednesday: picked Tracy up from the airport, went to dinner, hit CVS, hit Winco, hit the hay.

Thursday: started early at the VA to show my blood sugar readings with the specialty pharmacist. Tracy respectfully stopped eating her cinnamon bun while we discussed my diabetes. Then we had breakfast at Squeeze In, walked Riley, ran errands, went to dog class, ate dinner, then took a vigilante trip to my old (old) neighborhood. There was this young tree that had been tied to hold it up, but it had outgrown this support and was being pulled over. And no, it was not a topiary effort, just forgotten about by everyone but me. We cut it free and it was happy. Yay!

Friday: got up and took Riley for a good walk, then drove into California, stopping to check out the Donner memorial. We drove out to Fairfield for the Jelly Belly Factory tour, sampled some candy, then drove back to Sacramento to browse through (just the marketplace section of) Ikea. I found some neat things that did not break the bank, and some of it I actually needed! We ate cheap and wonderful hotmail hot dogs and drove back to Reno. Jody was awesome enough to come take care of my animals, so all we had to do was let Riley out and crash.

Saturday: the smoke alarm battery died at 5:30 am, and I was alerted about this by Riley, who rarely climbs up onto my bed unless there's an emergency. She panted in my face and stood on me until I got up. The chirping unnerved her and made sleeping impossible. We tried removing the battery, replacing the battery, and even hitting the button (VERY bad idea) but could not get the chirping to stop because the battery cover would not snap back on. Imagine our friendly conversation. We couldn't stop the noise, continue sleeping, get maintenance to respond, or leave Riley in full panic mode, so we took her with us almost everywhere today. We stopped by the office three times, and each time I was assured that the one maintenance guy working had tons of leftover work orders to do, and could definitely get to it by tomorrow. We came back from dog class determined to rip the smoke alarm out of the wall, but it must have sensed that because it made no more peeps. Riley is calm- finally. Good grief, the day she had. She was stressed until we left to get a battery (I bought an extra) and was running out the door to escape the noise. Every time we came back, she panted and pleaded for us to make the noise stop. We took her to get a bath and her nails clipped and she only pooped on the tech a little bit this time! We took her to two parks and another dog class and wore her out. Long day for Riley. We left her to rest after her dinner and went to a nice dinner ourselves. Then we went to Best Buy where Tracy got me some speakers for my laptop so I can listen to music throughout my apartment! She set up the speakers, got me set up on iTunes, downloaded the pictures off my camera, found a cord to charge my Kindle, and taught me how to use Windows 8. Aaaaaaaaaaand cut.

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Internal Processing

Lately, the focus in the apprentice class has been on studying personality types.  The idea is to learn how to identify these types and get along with each other better.  While reading about the different types, I (rather unintentionally) identified Chris and I can see why we had a lot of the problems that we did.  It makes me realize that I am not going to want that type in the long run.  The type that’s ideal for him is one that does even more mothering and putting up with shit than I did- can you imagine?  By definition, people like him do what they want when they want.  There were all these other horrible little details too, like how they like hobbies that need a lot of gear.  And, of course, they can become experts at anything they can get their hands on, they are impulsive, can’t stand being confined or obligated, and live on their charm.  They are generous to a fault, driven to action, and open to change, but in a relationship, their partner must be capable of allowing them this total freedom and capable of living in what will forever be feast or famine.

The researchers are quick to say that any combination of personalities can have a successful relationship, but that there are two major tendencies in relationships: Artisans (Chris) and Guardians, and Idealists (me) and Rationals.  Guardians are most prevalent, Artisans next, then Idealists, then Rationals.  This is depressing news.  At first, I thought I would need a Guardian, because they believe in traditions and are loyal.  At this moment in my life, I would welcome someone faithful who believed in romantic gestures.  But Guardians can also get very stuck on tradition and keeping things exactly the same, and I can’t see that being entirely a good thing forever.  We Idealists have grand notions of love- we are looking for a soulmate, and Artisans are playmates.  Guardians are helpmates.  Rationals, though, are mindmates.  Eh?  Eh?  I am supposedly best aligned with a Rational.  The first word used to describe them as mates is loyal- I’ll take it!  But they also “don’t give much attention to romance.”  Shit.  What makes it worse is that they are the rarest of personality types!  How will I even find one, let alone enough to find one that fits, especially when I’m an introvert!  I know, I know, slow the train down.

Oh, and in the section titled “We Can Work It Out,” it explains that Idealists with Idealists can become “narrowly devoted to the inner journey and tire themselves out” AND that they “can begin to invade each other’s psychic privacy.”  HA!

You may roll your eyes and skip over this part, but here’s what it says about Idealist and Artisan:

 

Strength: Idealists and Artisans, while exactly opposite in both dimensions of Saying and Doing, can still have a lot of fun together.  Idealists love Artisan spontaneity, the way they live so instinctively and artfully in the moment.  Also the courage and generosity of Artisans can fire the imagination of Idealists, who often will project onto Artisans their own romantic image of the principled leader or soulful artist.  (Shut up.)  Artisans, in turn, feel close to the enthusiasm and passion of Idealists, so much (at least on the surface) like their own excitability and sensuality.

Weakness: Artisan fun and games rarely keep Idealists satisfied for long in a marriage.  They typically want more than a playmate in life, and they’ll attempt to lead their what is Artisan mate into the deeper waters of what if, particularly toward an exploration of personal development.  Unfortunately, most Artisans have little interest in discussing their inner life or spiritual growth.  So when Idealists ask them about “self-realization,” “higher consciousness,” or “spiritual awakening,” Artisans rarely understand what they’re talking about, and can actually feel put down for being merely physical.

 

Well.

I keep thinking about this, asking WHY it went on for so long.  I know why I stayed, and not just because of Ant, though he became a huge part of it.  But I get so mad that he went along with it for so long when it was clearly not what he wanted.  He is always quick to point out the tremendous amount of love, and maybe the time shows how hard he tried.  He knows his behavior was terrible, but he kept coming back and earnestly committing himself to us.  I believed it then and I see now through the personality traits that he really did mean it- at the time.  But he is impulsive, and the lure of fun or temptation or excitement is just too much to resist.  That makes me so sad as my little Idealist self over here, believing in forever love.  I think this personality stuff has been so insightful, but it has made me sad.  These weren’t mistakes or correctable choices- these were just parts of our core selves.  That there can be love in spite of that seems so hideously unfair.

This morning I tried to recall the five stages of grief, wondering where I am.  I know I’ve been angry, I know I have suffered denial and bargaining… ah, depression.  Great.  Hurry up and get here, Tracy.  We need to go have some fun, though I can’t promise I won’t occasionally cry.  I feel the tears welling up and they will probably spill over shortly, though that will probably happen tonight if not sooner.

You know what the worst thing is?  I want sadness and devastation and remorse from him, just to know it meant to him what it meant to me, and after reading all this about personality… ugh.  Tears.

You know how things were always better before? Yeah, I'm talking about you, Duds n Suds. You used to have the Game Show Network on all the time, and people waiting for their laundry to dry would call out their answers to Jeopardy or Family Feud or that awesome word game show... what the hell was that one... anyway. Now it's all crime shows or worse, fake crime shows. Also worse is their clothesline full of left behind socks. It was funny at first, but really, take this nonsense down.  Clearly, I need a beer.

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I love my apartment

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