Side Notes

Dad bought a new patio set and called me after he set the old ones out front with a sign on them that said FREE.

"Are they gone yet?" I asked.

"I just put them out there," he replied.

Yes, so are they gone yet?

He said there was a garage sale up the street and he hoped that their customers would drive around the neighborhood to check for more sales. Then he says,

"Hang on, someone's at the door."

Hahahaha told you!

Sure enough.

Another thing making me laugh:

I've still been taking Riley to dog class for socialization and just a way to get her out of the house and go do something together. This woman in class with me is the most ADD, distracted, fluttery, hummingbird-like person I think I have ever met. She sputters out questions faster than she can hear the answers. So, people are like their dogs, right? Guess what kind of dog she has. A Golden Retriever puppy.

Last week, she brought a friend with her and he sat in on our class. He just sat and watched, occasionally making observations. Riley was immediately drawn to him and let him just pet and pet her. He was cradling her head- can you believe that? She rarely accepts that from people she loves, and she is not very trusting of strangers. The instructor was so impressed with the Golden's sudden resistance to distraction. The dog's whole demeanor was levels calmer and her owner was unsure about how to accept that, swearing that this behavior was completely abnormal. Then she told us that it had to be the presence of her friend that was making such a difference. She said everybody is calmer when he's around. So what's his name? Yogi.

Of course.

(According to the book I'm reading, "a great Yogi is anyone who has achieved the permanent state of enlightenment." My dictionary app says it's anyone who practices yoga, which is not exactly the same thing.)

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Sick and sad still

Ugh. Sick and sad is a whiny combination. Nobodeeeloooovesmeeeee! Waah.  But sheesh, this Eat Pray Love book is slapping me around with such perfect timing. So okay. This weekend I am already sick and have to write an essay, so the universe is conspiring to make me stay home. I will be sad and pitiful and doing what has to be done. How perfectly appropriate.

I have thought a lot today about Chris and his sperm depository. I know she is only a horrible person because she is ridiculously insecure and while I understand this and believe I clearly suffer less from this affliction than she does, I still manage to sink into that cesspool enough to call her names. They might be names she's earned, but I'd prefer to remember thatI I don't need to have ill thoughts against her- she creates her own misery, and will reap the consequences as she has been doing for a while now. It gets hard, though, when I find out that she has this negative opinion of me. For what? Being what you can't? Probably. Insecurity. Maybe even a knowledge in there somewhere that what they have is not love and not even friendship, just destruction.

Oh, I wish he had never cheated, but more than that, I wish he had helped instead of heaping more and more on me so he could go off and do whatever he wanted. My coworker and my friend said the same thing- that now they look at these tramps almost with gratitude. Thank you for freeing me from that. Of course, that took years.

For now, I'm still hurt, but that's good. It amazes me that people ask if I'm dating yet. No, I'm grieving. I had a lot of love in that, which will remain forever, and I'm also the worst kind of fool when it comes to hope- even though I KNOW he's right, that he didn't end it, he fucking destroyed it, which is why he chose to be with someone equally destructive. He set me free, whether I wanted it or not. He feels he deserves someone just as awful as he's been, and he's right, but I still can't stand to see it. She may only be the manifestation of his misery, but he chooses that misery every day.

Don't worry, Trampolina, I'm not trying to get him back, but there are countless other cheap girls out there just like you.

I'll be over here learning and growing and taking the time to heal my sad heart. I'll be sad for as long as it takes so that I'm really ready to see the ones who have been broken, but who have healed themselves and are not looking for me to do it for them.

Now that that's out, I can go finish my book and write my essay and figure out just how high I want this mountain to be that I am going to conquer. That, and watch movies, hang out with Riley, and laugh when blowing my nose makes my bangs fly up in the air.

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4am? Really?

I have no reason to be awake. I'm short on sleep. I'm sick. I have to go to work. But apparently there are too many thoughts firing around upstairs and though the lit screen is a bad plan, pouring the thoughts out is not.

After years of managing chaos on my own as well as possible and being shown the door for someone with far less to offer than me (and that is the kindest thing I can say), having been forced to walk away from who has become my kid, leaving him powerless and with no advocate, a friend is finally there- seeing clearly what I kept together for so long and what is so desperately lost without me. He is providing a fair environment to this teenager- can you realize how perfect that is? It's someone Ant loves and looks up to, someone that has been close to Chris since before Ant was born. He knows the whole story, has seen it, listened to it over the years, and- like all of the sane people in Ant's life- would fight to the death for him. I am so relieved he's there. Ant is relieved. He came out here not to judge or take over, but saw what no one else has been invited into. He has changed himself- drastically- and the timing is perfect. He is so needed.

I am still sad, still extraordinarily hurt. It makes me sad to hear about this new life that doesn't have me in it, but he just came in and reminded them all of my role, my sacrifices, and that I am not to be dismissed or disrespected. He just provided a bridge between Ant and I that we needed so badly. No one else could have done this, and I am so relieved that my emotions couldn't wait until morning.

Ant hugged and hugged me. We have a path to each other now that is unobstructed by... slut-shaped obstacles. He asked me for books. He wants to go to movies, have me watch his improvements at the skate park. I lost two people I love, I lost one of my dogs, I lost my car, I lost a beautiful house to an ungrateful, insecure, disrespectful, immature, disgusting bitch who is destroying everything that I put in it. (I also just temporarily lost my ability to be kind, but at least it's truthful.)

But here comes Chris's best friend and he immediately took on what I am no longer allowed to do and what has caused my heart so much extra grief in this nightmare. He restored a safe connection between Ant and I. Oh, Ant. Half of our conversation was I love yous and I miss yous, over and over. Ant said even his friends miss me- even though they used to think I was a strict wicked stepmother. They've changed their minds now, he said, and one told Ant that regardless of strictness, I was there. Ant understands at 14. I cried.

I cried yesterday too. It didn't hit until early afternoon, and I went to a coworker who has suffered a similarly devastating and costly betrayal. We talked for a while and I apologized for bringing her my tears.

"Oh, no," she said. "Where do you think I'm gonna go the next time I lose it?"

Please, please do. And how good does that make me feel? As good as Chris's friend- and mine- reminding Ant again last night not to be fooled about me- that I am a tough bitch who is not to be trifled with. Ant reminding me that I am Leo the Lion. Indeed.

I have been done wrong in an awful way, but so has Ant, and I got out. My life no longer consists of heartbreaking chaos. I come home to my wonderful, peaceful apartment. This was not my doing and Ant knows it, but I have felt so guilty for leaving him behind and being unable to be there or even communicate with him.

This is not because Chris wants to keep us apart- far from it. He loves me and he loves his son, and he knows what he's done is wrong. He knows what he needs to do and even in his struggles, it is a high priority to him to pay me back. I was brought cash last night- and that did not originate from his friend. He sent me his friend, his son, and action on his promises. What else can I ask?

Ladies and gentlemen, the cavalry has arrived- just in time.

Perhaps now I can sleep.

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A song strikes

Sail on, silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine

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Night Blog

Riley and I sat outside in the sunshine for a while (Riley hiding in my shadow), enjoying the nice breeze and just being outside in the nice weather.  When we finally went to check the mail, I thought:

Let me have something nice in the mail today.

We walked over and the mailbox was stuffed.  I got a magazine!  Coupons!  And Riley's AKC Canine Good Citizen certificate.  Wow, ask and you shall receive, huh?

I'm going to leave a lot out here and just tell you... that I cleaned my kitchen, I walked the dog, I played with the cat.  I did some homework and I started writing my essay.  I am considering taking this next weekend to knock out projects that have been on my to do list for too long- I am tired of rewriting the list and seeing the same things on it.

I have been going to the gym once a week.  I have been tracking my blood sugar.  I have been taking 20 minute naps as needed and this may still be sad and difficult, but I'm doing it anyway.  And because I can't say it enough, I love my apartment and how cozy it feels to me.  I love the support my family and friends have shown to me.  More and more often I am spending my evenings enjoying the quiet, feeling more rested.  And when I don't feel rested, I'm willing to take the extra time to relax.  My errands used to be 12-hour long affairs.  Now it's in smaller pieces.  I don't know... just an example.  Things are changing.

I'm reading Eat Pray Love at Shannon's suggestion.  I read it because Shannon does not recommend bad books, and that movie looked BAD.  She very pointedly recommended the book, not the movie.  She's right, though- the book is good.  Very good.  I have marked a chapter that I suspect I will want to reread periodically, about her surface frustrations with her current daily struggle and the underlying heartbreak that just hasn't left yet.  A friend comes to talk with her:

     He says, "Give it another six months, you'll feel better."
     "I've already given it twelve months, Richard."
     "Then give it six more.  Just keep throwin' six months at it till it goes away.  Stuff like this takes time."


Her friend talks more about what soul mates are really for (which I won't get into even though I thought it was really insightful and probably more true (and a lot more likely) than the idea we carry around that a soul mate is some perfectly matched, astronomically unlikely person that we just so happened to meet in our very own town!  Amazing!  No, the part I want to tell you about (and then shut up, because I need to go to bed) is what he says in response to her arguments:

     "But I love him."
      "So love him."
     "But I miss him."
     "So miss him.  Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it.  You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone."


And then he talks about that space that's being taken up with this person and that love, and what will happen when she frees that space up.  Essentially, nature abhors a vacuum, but not that she will just immediately find another person to love.  Not so much any one person to fill that space, but just a whole lot of love in general.

That's about as much as I can explain without giving you a lot of background, but I'm halfway through this book, and it came at a really good time.  I recommend it too, even though if you're like me, the previews made you really uninterested in either seeing the movie or reading the book.  I'm not gonna watch the movie.

Okay.  It's late.  I'm off to bed.  Tomorrow will be good.

Recharged

I had a nice weekend.

I did chores Friday night, which included watching Miracle. I have no idea why I decided to watch this, other than that I am a sucker for true stories. This one was pretty painful and Disneyfied.

Saturday I ran errands and got myself another haircut. I brought in the same picture, but came out with a completely different result. Well, it is a beauty school, and it only cost me $5, so no big loss. I saw Jody that evening for a girl's night out and she told me it looked cute, so it must not be that bad. Jody and I ate pizza and went bowling. We had a good time, but planned on bowling again soon- this time when we can drink.

Today I caught up on the chores and worked on my homework. Riley and I took lots of mini walks and sat in the partial sunshine underneath shady trees.

I ate good food, I got good sleep, I felt very productive. To top it off, I watched City Lights. I read about this Charlie Chaplin movie a while ago in Mental Floss, and was convinced to watch. It was just as wonderful as they said, and I haven't laughed at any so-called comedies nearly as much as I did at the slapstick choreography, the innovative jokes, and the absolute silliness of what apparently was Chaplin's response to the idea that talkies would replace silent movies. This movie was full of noises, but aside from those occasional dialogue cards, the closest sound to speech was deliberately a wah-wah-wah sound. This is such a funny movie, and so full of heart. I rarely say this, but I want to own this movie.

And while I still have your attention (Do I?), can I just say what a great dog I have? She is so good walking that I only have to leash her when we're around a lot of cars. She will listen to me if I tell her to go say hi to someone or stay with me- even when there are little dogs nearby! Well, except if she sees her boyfriend, Boo Boo- then all bets are off. But she sits automatically, and if not, a look will compel her. She is great with cats and will approach them gently, and will leave them alone if they are at all wary of her. She likes to sit outside and will bonk my leg with her nose if she wants me be petted. Sometimes she does that if I have just corrected her, as if she's saying. "Sorry, Mom. Okay." My neighbors love her and last week at dog training, we were taking a lap around the store and the cashier saw us and sighed.

"You have the best dog," she said.

Thanks! I think so too.

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