B-I-N-G-W-T-F

Well, I tried to go see the Kibbutz Contemporary Dance Company at UNR tonight, but I didn't want to pay the extra fee to order them ahead of time, so I lost out.

It was too late for Zumba, so I talked to Shannon and came home and watched The Crash Reel. You know how much I like devastating biographical documentaries. So how can I convince you to watch it? Yes, it's about Kevin Pearce, a snowboarder every bit as good as Shaun White who suffered a traumatic brain injury just before the 2010 Olympics. Yes, it's sad and parts of it are hard to watch. But this is also about love and support from family and friends and fans and even sponsors. It's about how the people closest to him felt through the long recovery, especially when Kevin told them he'd like to snowboard again. It's about their feelings of guilt and shared responsibility as well as their encouragement and fierce protection. It's also about identity. This is a guy who was unbelievably driven to become such an incredible and capable athlete, so imagine how driven he was to recover and become the person he was before. It is heartbreaking to watch him struggle against his new and likely permanent limitations, but it is really interesting to watch him accept them. The best stories will make you laugh and cry, and this is a great story. I am going to watch it again before I send it back.

The other newsworthy item I have for you today is that I finally won my apartment complex's bingo game. I have been faithfully playing for several months now- one card at a time, three numbers a day. The first few prizes (awarded only to the first winner through their door per game) were $25 Walmart gift cards. I'd prefer the prize to be a few hundred dollars off rent, but free money is free money. Then they switched to $25 Starbucks gift cards, but I had just discovered how delicious coffee can be when it has non-coffee items mixed in it! I was down for a Starbucks gift card. It would give me a reason to try new delicious coffee mixes! But apparently the last game was it for Starbucks gift cards, so I won something else. Are you ready for this? Because I wasn't.

I shit you not. And no, there was no gift card tucked inside their stupid insulated Starbucks-free coffee mug. What in the hell is this? No, there was no finding out ahead of time what the prize would be. They announced it only after someone won a game, but they were ALL gift cards. The last winner posted a picture of her nicely packaged mug with hot chocolate and Starbucks gift card. I can't wait to see what they post about my win. "Jenny won... ! Come get your new bingo card!" What, did their new batch of gift cards not arrive in the mail yet? LAME.

I accepted my prize graciously while the office girls laughed nervously, surely wondering when I would start stomping around yelling, "That's favoritism!" Then I called Tracy and shared my deep disappointment and increasing annoyance. She laughed, but said that I won a lame prize because I am going to win a much better prize in another part of my life. If that's the tradeoff, then I fully accept this piece of poo I-Won-Bingo-And-All-I-Got-Was-This-Lousy-T-Shirt and I will not complain at all as I stuff it into my thrift store donation bag. I may use the mug. I will buy my own damn Starbucks and pour it into this lovely promotional mug and drink it down, but fuck your bingo game. Hey, at least I didn't post that on their Facebook page.

Maybe you have to empty it before you can really clean house.

I have been thinking a lot about Chris lately. Even as I find this new life normal, I still feel surprised that my old life is gone. It still feels wrong. I imagine this is to be expected, but that never helps much. It was a long time to be with someone so completely, and whether my life was just as hollow then doesn't really matter, because it didn't feel that way. What I hear about him and from him since we ended makes me feel like he was better with me, and that makes me sad. It makes me sad for him, though I do not believe as others seem to that I was the reason he was ever any good. It also makes me sad for me, because I still put myself last. I do think he was better when he was with me, and I think I was better too, because I got to be some version of a parent, and that changed my world. I miss my family. We got split right down the middle: three and three, and I have only ones who can't talk back.

I have this empty picture holder that's the front of a house. All the window cutouts are meant for family photos. I've had this thing for years and always intended to do something fun with it. Right now it feels appropriate that it's empty, but it feels better to identify that my house is empty and that's why I'm sad. Remember when the skin under my eyes felt like tissue paper? I must be doing better now because I don't cry as often.

I feel compelled to argue with you about Chris. I know you feel like everything that happened just confirms what you just knew all along, and to that I'd like to extend a hearty middle finger. You've been reading this- you know what was there, along with everything I couldn't capture. I kept the bad stuff to myself for years, and I hope (I hope I hope I hope) that I have learned enough to do much better on my end of things in relationships to come. I wish I had never shared a lot of it, and I wish I had stopped it before I had any really bad things to tell.

So for my picture frame, I have been thinking about what I want in my house. I have come up with three things: plants, animals, and people. It's interesting having my own place. I find that I enjoy the solitude and the freedom more than I expected- so much that I do not want to move anywhere I'd have to give that up. But the loneliness is killing me. I have developed some good friendships here, but not nearly what I need, and I am at a loss. But as I sit here thinking about that, I'm suddenly comforted by my constant metaphor. I will pace by the pool for a long time, but when I'm ready, I will jump. Not wade, but jump. I am doing my research, I am considering options and advice. I will figure it out.

So that's better. My apartment is clean, my head is clear. I know what's in my heart, now that I wrote it down. I had a nice spaghetti & meatball dinner, and it's a short week at work. I went to another Meetup this weekend, making this the third Meetup weekend in a row. This one was the dog group, but it was kind of a bust. The guy who organized it got tired of seeing suggested meetups with no date, so he took the reins. Only me and one other woman showed up, and she didn't even find us. It was good, though- Riley and I met some dogs and people on a really lovely day at the biggest dog park in Reno. There were lots of people there, and we took a couple big laps around the park.

Today was quiet, but I finally got everything clean and vacuumed, then watched a Nat Geo show about the Battle for Midway. It made me cry to watch the veterans- two American and two Japanese men- accompany Titanic discoverer Bob Ballard on his mission to find their sunken aircraft carriers. The men hung out and reminisced together with no animosity or laughter- only gratitude and tears.

It is past my bedtime, so off I go, but thanks for listening.