I am so disappointed, but reminding myself that it's okay. I got a ticket to the basketball game that I wasn't even sure I wanted to go to. I was a little late, okay, but that never mattered before. This time, since it was the last game of the season, there were tons of people there. Plus, the bowling center where I park was having their convention, so their garage was full. Oh, but we could park at these two other lots... that are far away. If I had somebody with me, I'd be willing, but not alone. I looked around a while, but couldn't find a place I felt safe to park- either safe to leave the car or walk to alone. So I let it go. I am sad about this, and maybe you think I am a weenie, but I don't really care. I am reminding myself that I went to two Bighorns games this year, which is something I just never got to in the last eight years. I went once with a friend and once alone, not to mention the Harlem Globetrotters show, that I also went to alone. I would have gone to the TMCC show instead, but I was planning on eating at the game, so that'll be next weekend. I checked the $3 theater, but no. So it's onto Walmart to buy an eyelash curler, then go home, make some dinner, and watch some movies. It's okay. At least Riley will be happy.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Processing/Reassurance
All week I have to drag myself out of bed, but I'm awake at 5:30 on Saturday morning?
I saw the aftermath of an accident yesterday morning. It looked minor enough until I saw this girl kneeling on the sidewalk, bent over, holding her head with a guy kneeling over, holding her. The paramedics put her on a stretcher and I felt so scared for her. I'm sure that is contributing to my current fear of being in an accident. It also has to do with driving a pretty new car. Last night I read that over 200 tickets were issued yesterday for distracted driving. There's a Cake song Easy to Crash sailing through my head. So I put all this together and now I am not sleeping in on a Saturday morning because I am too busy worrying about how I will avoid an accident. Be careful, yes. Pay attention, yes. But what else can I do from my bed? Stop it!
Instead, I start thinking about the other kind of crash: blood sugar. I'm almost always within the range I need to be now, but that puts me so much closer to the edge. Crashing too much isn't good, either. I have been crashing often because I am learning the limits. It's hard to make sense of anything underneath high blood sugar readings. Now I can see exactly where I made a mistake. I went to bed at 130 (blood sugar, not time), should have had a snack. I questioned the snack, went without, crashed.
It feels so awful, like you're falling. Even with the glucose tablets, it takes several minutes to feel better. You're supposed to test, eat a few tabs, then eat a snack with carbs and protein and wait it out. It is really hard not to gobble up everything you can find, because it takes a while for your body to absorb the glucose, slow the crash, and start moving in the other direction. In the meantime, you feel like it's getting worse.
I think about being alone. Chris often helped me through my lows. He could tell from my body temperature when I was crashing at night. The only time I ever passed out, he saved me. He tested all my Diet Cokes and caught several Cokes that were passed my way. I have glucose tabs and granola bars squirreled all over the place: next to my bed, in my purse, my jackets, the dog walking bag, the car, at work. I keep them stocked. I'm trying to learn quickly and remember what I know, now that I am much closer to the cliff. I'm supposed to walk the edge. I feel so vulnerable being alone. I didn't worry about car accidents before, other than being so furious that Chris wasn't home that I thought he had better be in one.
I rejected the new equation because I couldn't use it consistently- it must work wonders for old guys with Type II who never get above 180. I'll spare you the explanation, but it did not work for me. What did was increasing my long-acting shot. Suddenly- immediately- I have fantastic blood sugar readings. Is that all it took? What have they been doing for the last eight years? Why did they think I just didn't know how to count carbs, when I'd been at it for so long?
But ok, fine, we're good now, I just have to fine tune some things, keep my sugar stockpile replenished, work on reducing my craving for fountain drinks, and trust that I've got this thing covered. As it turns out, I'm not the terrible diabetic I always thought I was- I just wasn't getting enough medicine for it to work. Look at me maintain great blood sugar! ("You're on a very small amount of Lantus as compared to all our other diabetics." Kick it up, then! WTF!?!)
And I'm a good driver, too. It might be easy to crash, but I'm staying in my lane.
Knock on wood.
I'm going back to bed.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Finally Friday
This morning I was involved in a very serious imaginary conversation with Ant and I got totally derailed by the comedy station on Sirius radio.
I just realized that I never find Solo under the bed anymore. Perhaps she is feeling safer now.
My coworkers and I just briefly vacated our cubicles for the vacuum. I noted that there were chips on my floor and both coworkers giggled, saying that there are no food particles on their floors... they both have service dogs. There might be other crap on the floor, but no food.
This makes me think of poor Jody, who has one dog that rolls in poop, another that eats it.
Aaaaaaaaand... the phones have stopped. At last. Picture me dropping my headset on the floor and walking out the door.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Dammit, Cesar.
I went to Zumba last night. That's twice! I did better this time, but still felt like an idiot. I'm going to google how to shake my ass and how to salsa and other things I cannot seem to learn on the spot. And I am going to have to practice some of these embarrassing moves at home because whenever we have to doing anything involving the hips, I move my whole torso. It makes me think of the Cake song that Tracy is already singing:
When she walks, she swings her arms
Instead of her hips
When she talks, she moves her mouth
Instead of her lips
All the more reason to keep going to Zumba. Besides, it's fun to get into it for those thirty seconds I find the groove. Some of the people around me are not equally lost, but not entirely with it. That sucks because sometimes I can't see the teacher. Last night I spotted a girl that very seriously knows what's going on and she's having so much fun that she looks like a pony, trotting around all happy and energetic. Perhaps I should go stand near her so if I can't see the teacher, I'll have someone to emulate... and maybe her enthusiasm will rub off on me.
I am very excited to have nothing to do and nowhere to go tonight so I can get some chores done. This is sick and sad, but I am still very excited. I feel like I just can't catch up and I've got shit to do this weekend- I don't want to spend it cleaning. (What will actually happen tonight: a few speedy attempts to clean with the timer on, an early dinner, perhaps a Cesar episode that will turn into three, and then I will wonder why I'm getting to bed late and didn't get anything done.)
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
You could totally skip this one.
I seem to contain a lot less snot than this weekend, so how come I feel so much worse? And tonight is supposed to be Zumba! I have to show up at Zumba or they will all think I am a pathetic weakling who gave up after one class! I get to escape work a little early today, but I am going to have to make sure I get everything done before class, because when I get home, I am going to take a shower and pass out. Hopefully going to bed early will help me recover. Ugh.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
No energy left for a good title
- Me juggling many different responsibilities/trying to be productive
- Me on solo parenting duties/Chris being absent
- Chris and Ant making me laugh
- Chris making me furious
In one particular post, I'm writing about me picking up Ant from helping Chris and finding out that Ant ate essentially no dinner, and after working hours in the sun and heat, had some giant dessert instead. Ant got sick- not immediately, but late that night, when he was home with me.
I was always so willing to defer to Chris on matters of Ant's health because I was afraid that I was missing some natural parental protection reflex. What I saw in that blog was that I was thorough and researched the symptoms, tentatively treated him and kept my mind and eyes open for other causes or symptoms. I consulted with Chris until he got home and he took over.
Then there's the part where I feel completely inadequate because Chris lies right down with Ant and comforts him, which is something that did not occur to me. That still makes me feel bad. It's not that I wasn't affectionate with him, and it wasn't that I was careless in addressing illness. I was just unable to be mama. Take Riley, for example. While her breath and dog farts may not be pleasant, I like her normal smell and when she gets hurt, she limps to me and I cuddle and coo and fix it. I was never like that with Ant, long after I loved and adored him and would sacrifice anything for him. I know that that lack of closeness is sadly just part of the step-parenting deal, and I know that it was through no shortcoming of mine. I know that NOW. Then it was just another failure to torture myself with.
Finally, I admit that it made me mad that I waited up for Chris to get home only to have him sleep in Ant's room. None of us got rest because Ant was up with a horrible stomachache all night long. Chris either recognized that this was entirely his fault or perhaps a natural parenting instinct kicked in, but he was up with Ant until it subsided. I spent the night alone, mad that I was alone again, mad that Chris had created this completely unnecessary problem, and feeling like a perfect asshole for being mad and not being able to comfort Ant.
But here's something else: I was home. I heard his whimpers and immediately went to check on him. I talked to him, I was calm, my tone was comforting. I was concerned. I asked him questions, I looked things up. I gave him medicine. I told him it would be okay. Then his dad came home and took over. Did that make me mad?
And moreover- I was honest about exactly how I felt. I admitted what I felt guilty about and acknowledged what Chris could do that I could not. I admitted my horrible selfish feelings about Chris not sleeping in our bed. But as I wrote, I went to bed without him most nights. For once, I had waited for him, and yet he was still not there- and not there because of something asinine that he should not have allowed. But it was the middle of the night, so my justified anger was multiplied into something ferocious and green.
I am resentful of so many things now, but as terrible as this sounds, I am so much less resentful of myself. I did a good job, goddammit. I did SUCH a good job that I am confused as to how I got booted. I feel like I am a pitied fool for not leaving. I feel lost a lot now without all this nonsense to juggle. I get very upset over what's happening to Ant- some of which is normal teenage bullshit, but most of which is a direct result of Chris yanking everything out from under him, not to mention the serious differences we had in our parental philosophy. The last thing I want is to throw my hands up and say what else can I do, but what else can I do? I got replaced by someone who cannot even compete with me. That is both baffling and horrifying. And how can I celebrate my freedom from constant frustration (and hurt and everything else I could list here) when Ant loses?
Well, I just keep writing and keep going to work. I try to relish those wonderful moments of happiness. I remind myself that it shouldn't take more than a year. I hope I can be brave.
Maybe I should be taking Solo to class
Riley completed the advanced training class last night and passed her Canine Good Citizen test!
We're going to start another intermediate class next week, partially because there are some commands I still want to work on, but mainly to keep her meeting other people and dogs- to be petted and smelled as much as possible and stop snapping at every big dog that tries to say hi. Plus, I can retake any class I've already taken for free. I like getting her out of the house and we both need the socialization.
In other exciting pet news...
Solo sleeps curled up under my arm through most early mornings. I use my phone for my alarm and often use the touch screen's snooze button. This morning when the alarm went off, Solo reached over and touched the screen before I could! I have an automatic cat snooze button! This could create problems...
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Last post today, I promise.
Excuse me, let me go tattoo that somewhere.
There were no tempting action movies, so I opted for the Dog Whisperer. God, I love this show.
I just wanted to show you this picture.
I woke up this morning to find that Jeph had posted this, saying that he missed Reno Easters and tagged every one of us. This is from 2006. I made five Easter baskets filled with toys and nonsense. I also hid who knows how many plastic eggs filled with god knows what- super glue, silly putty, plastic lizards... As you can tell, they had a great time. You should have seen the five of them shoving each other around our little living room racing for the eggs. Jody lived under us then- it must have sounded like a herd of elephants. Every one of these boys moved out to Reno from Virginia under different circumstances, and our place was where they spent lots of holidays and many dinners. Jeph always drank all the milk. Once Ant came to live with us, Easters became a holiday for the three of us, though there was still much shoving over the plastic egg hunt. Justin (far right) is the only one of the Lost Virginia Boys still living out here, and is probably still a regular for dinner.
I'm glad I made myself an Easter basket, because though I had to push myself to do it, I enjoyed having one. I put up my vinyl stickers, painted my toes, and after I take Riley out for her potty, I'm going to do a couple word puzzles before I go to sleep. My apartment is quiet. Riley is twitching in a dream and hanging halfway out of her doggie bed. My sushi clock is ticking. Periodically I can hear a car drive by. And that's it. So much racket and chaos before, so much quiet now.
Today felt like such a sad day to be alone, but this picture buoyed me up for most of it. Not so much my memory of it, but Jeph posting it. Thanks, Jeph.
But look what else I did today
Vinyl stickers are flippin awesome. These things are repositionable and affordable. I can't stop coming in here to look at this. It makes me very happy in spite of loneliness, in spite of sadness, in spite of having a cold, in spite of a ham-less Easter. I'm gonna go eat a grilled cheese with tomato soup and watch a stupid action movie. :D
Who knew Easter would be such a rough holiday?
Perhaps without much enthusiasm or creativity, I colored eggs.
Time to go do something else
King Kong indeed. Why did I think this one would be easy?
Jenny's Easter basket
Contents:
-One solid red jigsaw puzzle, 500 pieces
-Two large vinyl stickers to adorn my apartment
-One variety puzzle book
-One can of hairspray
-Two pairs of ankle socks to wear with yoga capris for gym days
-One tire gauge
-One box of contacts
-Fun nail polish
No way around, just through
It is sad to be lonely, but I would rather be sad than angry. And to be completely fair, this has been good for me. I was so wrapped up in Chris and Ant and the house and my animals that there wasn't anything for me and nothing else to talk about. Now I have these big voids to fill and nobody to take care of but me and my pretty low maintenance dog and even lower maintenance cat. Figuring out what to do with all this free time is more of a challenge than you might imagine. It is a constant challenge to keep thoughts and activities aimed in a positive direction. I have spent a lot of time alone and undistracted and unable to escape thoughts of the last ten years. It is not fun to look at the mess, but it's pretty clear we were going to hit a wall at some point- but a necessary wall. I spent so much time being too angry to think straight, and the one thing I know for sure right now is that I don't want to be that angry anymore. He did a lot of wrong, but he knows it. That's his, not mine. I don't need to be mad to demand better treatment. My job is to keep myself on a good track: keep working on the blood sugar, the exercise, the attitude, and being present.
Right now I'm sad, and that's okay. It was a good day anyway.