Emotional support human

I just wanted to take a moment to applaud- or at least acknowledge- my dog's emotional growth. That sounds insane but wait. When he came to live with me he was quiet and meek. He was an ANGEL and I was amazed that I'd received this precious baby boy. Then he got comfortable and started destroying birdseed bags and climbing onto chairs to pee on them and no one believed me that he was anything other than a sweet baby precious angel. His personality started to show and I learned that he was brave and maybe a little reckless. He loves all dogs and only shows aggression when he's hanging from another dog's mouth. That only happened once, with a breed you wouldn't expect it from, and faster than either of us owners could react. That is the only dog Gus stopped wanting to be friends with. Well, that one and the Corgi that antagonizes him, but he forgets and starts over with that dog every time they meet. He's like Dory when it comes to making friends. 

He also showed me his fears, like abandonment or a running dishwasher. For years now I have been running my dishwasher at bedtime, when we could be safely snuggled in the bedroom with a movie on to cover the noise. I try hard not to ever run it during the day and I would never start the dishwasher and then leave him alone with it. He used to leave the room as soon as I'd start it but in the last couple years he has worked up to going into the kitchen to get a drink or even check his bowl while the evil machine was humming. Lately he's stayed snoozing in his bed, seemingly unfazed. I was just trying to plan out my bath vs dishwasher timing and realized I can probably try running it in the daytime now, though I'll still watch him for stress and take him for a walk if it starts worrying him. I'm just impressed with his growth and trust in his safety. It makes me wonder what kind of slow growth I've had going on over the past few years. He's a good model for bravery, resilience, and optimism. He's also no longer afraid that I'll throw him in the dumpster, but maybe that's because he can't see anymore.

Sad day

Leo left today for Florida. We had two months of warning but it still had us all upset. Sunday we did a big furniture swap- he wasn't taking any so he bestowed it on the group. We moved his couch and chair, his entertainment center, his dresser, nightstand, and kitchen table to new homes and shuffled whatever it displaced. On Monday, we had a goodbye party and sat outside eating snacks and chatting. We took lots of pictures. Today I happened to be off so I was able to hang out with him until he left. I helped him put the last things that would fit in his truck and promised to find homes for the things that didn't. We took lots of breaks because he was already tired and it was nice to sit with him a few more times. A couple neighbors dropped by to say goodbye and said to make sure he texts the core group nightly because otherwise we'd probably send out a search party. We've all cried and everyone had their individual goodbyes. I got to see him off and we both cried then. Megan came home later and we went into his apartment to assess the task list, but ended up just diving in. We cleaned and sorted and heard from Leo before we got too worried. He made it to his first destination, so we shared the news and then sat in sad exhaustion for a while. I was hoping that we were somehow taking on his exhaustion so he'll have the energy needed for this trip.

It's more than just a dear friend moving away, though we hope to visit. It feels like the end of an era, like the fellowship is breaking. It is, I'm sure, because nothing this good lasts. This has been an amazing group of neighbors. Weirdly enough, COVID created our bond and delivered Leo to us. We all needed some local family and we found it on the breezeway. We got each other through a pandemic and have been there for each other through plenty of other crises and celebrations. The night one of our dogs got attacked, this building came alive with protectors. We're protective of our people, but mess with our animals and we come unglued. It's amazing to know that support is right next door and across the hall and downstairs. 

Circumstances dictated a new chapter for him, as it will for all of us. Rent is outrageous and that's even with shared laundry. There's no budging on that front so I guess we'll all have to rethink our plans at some point. I think this change will be better for him, though it'll take time to see it that way. I hope that's the same for all of us.

Leo's absence was felt immediately by all of us and I've been informed that we're not going to like the person(s) that move in. I remain optimistic because I can't help it, and I like to believe that community can change and still exist. But we miss you already, Leo, and I hope you know how much we love you. We wouldn't clean just anyone's apartment.

Coming back

Mom says Jan always said the key to happiness is to have no expectations. 

Does that mean stop having them or override them? I'm not sure if the inclination is stubbornness or naivete, but I have no idea how to stop.

I feel really disappointed, for big and piddly reasons, and it's not like I'm exempt from letting people down. I keep looking for someone to confide in or vent with and maybe that's the hard lesson- that person is yourself and you've got to navigate it alone. Maybe that's what was meant by the north node. That sucks. 

I saw a thing online that said if you think everyone hates you, you need to sleep, and if you hate everyone, you need to eat. Sound advice, I think. Simple things. Things like writing.