I can't type all this on a phone.
I couldn't tell you all of it anyway.
I do know that it feels better to get it out. My counselor said paper is different. It will all come out eventually, but for now it's about functioning: going to work, trying to eat, trying to sleep. I feel close to a breakdown because the exhaustion is unreal and my blood sugar is terrible. My doctor was kind, but said it would be like this as long as I'm in chaos. I need sleep so bad, but I cannot. Not for long, anyway. And not the deep, restful sleep that is occasionally interrupted or prevented by daily surface worries, but the kind you would get in a cold, wet cave, knowing that you will soon be eaten by bears.
My dog is scratching her eyes. They are red around the edges, probably like mine.
Maybe I can avoid a crash. Maybe by being aware of what's happening and bearing this really awful, jarring turbulence, I can avoid just falling out of the air. Because things are different now- they cost more.
Current game plan:
Take a shower
Drink some water
Read
Or maybe something more attainable:
Lie here and try to breathe.
Remember that panic attacks aren't heart attacks.
Practice being present.
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