And now, to find dinner.

At first, when I left work today, I thought, "I don't like anyone." Not people at work, just people in general. Then I listened to one of my happy songs and sang, and admitted that it's not true. It's just that today was very busy and I'm tired and Chris is an infernal asshole. You wouldn't believe the ridiculously mean things he sent to me yesterday. I'm pretty sure he was just venting nastiness from elsewhere, because I seem to be a safe receptacle for it.

But now I don't live in that anymore. Maybe he's worse now, or maybe I'm less used to having to swallow that shit. It made me feel so bad, like I don't have a tolerance for it anymore. The good news is that now he wants to avoid me, so maybe he'll leave me in peace. I suspect he will come back again, acting like everything's fine. Tracy suggested I retain this feeling for when that happens. I wish I had a mute button for him so I could pay attention to his actions instead of his words.

I also suspect the timing. Will he pay his debt? I hope he pays something, even if he can't pay for all of it. I would feel much less manipulated and abandoned and clichéd if he did. Whenever I would point out that he has given me nothing since June, he'd call me an asshole and say that he's paying me $1000 from his tax return. Taxes were filed in March. Suddenly he wants me to go away. (I have been trying to avoid him for several weeks, so why did he write to me?)

Why couldn't it be kind?

Let's see what Ani has to say:

Virtue is relative at best
There's nothing worse than a sunset
When you're driving due west
And I'm afraid that my love
Is gonna come up short
There is no "There, there."
I guess I'm scared, 'cause
I want to have good news to report
Every time I come up for air


The worst thing would be to feel like it wasn't true, that I'm "shipwrecked in a desert," to quote another Ani song. The thing is, I know it was true. Why I need him to validate that, I don't know. Most of the time he does, but when he sends his shitty missives, I feel like it was never real and I'm just holding some crumpled up piece of ribbon- the balloon is gone- and everyone wonders why I won't just throw the damn thing in the trash. "But wait," I say. "I could still use this, make something beautiful out of it..."

Well, last weekend I threw out a lot of ribbon.

Jennyway, so the librarian is here this week from Sacramento, teaching me all kinds of wonderful library things. It's only Tuesday, and my brain is overflowing. It's a good thing I can come home and whine write for a while with the door open, enjoying the breeze and the quiet with my animals.

Somebody my age sent out a feeler today, looking to find out my relationship status. Hmmm.

Oh, and for my moment of gratitude:

I have a lot that I'm grateful for these days, but today I am especially grateful that my mailbox lock was not the one that had peanut butter smeared on it.