Am I psychic?
Ant messaged me to say he received the book I sent him. I told him I heard he was moving back up here and he said he's bringing his tortoise and Dalmatian Pit. I dreamed Chris had Jasmine and another dog.
But isn't Jasmine Ant's dog? She is going to be a jealous baby. I can't believe some ding-dong let him get another dog. What the Jesus flipping goddammit?
Suddenly, I am glad that I am not going. It felt cruel for Chris to ask me to join him on this trip to get Ant. I love road trips, especially last minute, crazy, imperative ones, and I knew that Chris would make a great road trip companion- he always has, and driving together was always our thing. And look- the opportunity to help Ant. School starts on Monday, so he's got to go now...
I said no, but my mind kept trying to wrangle a way into it, so I called my sponsor. Tracy very gently put the smack down without getting derisive about my feelings about Chris. I am not trying to get back together with him, but we are able to spend time together without any hatred at all, and that just stirs up the residue in the fuel tank, which affects the efficiency of my vehicle. It's nice that we can talk- really nice. It's nice to know there was and will always be love there. But he will be Chris and do Chris things that will baffle and infuriate me. And I will try to fix him. And get sucked into drama and chaos that fill me with anxiety.
So even though I love to help- and especially for those two- I said no. I am suddenly glad that I did. At first, it seemed like more punishment for me- you don't get to go on this crazy, last minute road trip with a great road trip companion and listen to loud, great music, and why not? Because it is not good for your emotional well-being. I felt very pouty. But suddenly I see this message from Ant and the ideal picture in my head about how perfect this trip would be gets smashed into tiny, realistic pieces, and it's not such a pretty picture.
And it's not fair, by the way, that I got dumped and I am also the one who continually has to let go.
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