Sparkles

I had most of a blog written earlier when I left the page to look for a picture and the whole damn thing disappeared. That was not how the old phone worked, gd. But last night I heard a woman say that God answers her in three ways: yes, no, and if you insist. I'm going to take notes from that and not attempt to rewrite that blog as was (because I could), and instead incorporate my new findings.

I was telling you that I felt like a deservedly unloved asshole because I broke it off with someone I did not feel was right for me. Well, not because of that. I felt like an asshole for the way I did it and... well, just the fact that I caused hurt by doing it at all. That sucks, and I have been feeling sick and awful for three days. I really, really do not like that part. And maybe I was not clear enough and maybe I did not say it often enough, but I DID try to communicate my concerns. I tried several times and with that realization, I am suddenly feeling much less defensive and apologetic about my decision.

I was being told that I was not communicating, but I was. Verbally. And like I said, maybe not to the best of my abilities, but it was the best I could do in that particular situation.

If this isn't me, I don't know what is. Let me skulk around, feeling like a bad dog in my asshole hat, wearing that and any other guilt and shame I can put on until I finally notice that I am not the only culprit. And hey, I might have had good reason to feel alarmed or reluctant. And that doesn't make me or him into a bad person, because we are not. Not even close. We're just not it.