Can't find my big girl panties.

I got assigned yet another admin duty today. There is nothing to do about it but cheerfully accept and make a couple jokes, but ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH.

I am not organized enough to manage the ones I already have, and they are piling up around my ears. Also, I fucking hate them. My job barely resembles the one I was hired to do. Granted, my boss had no choice in any of those decisions, but again, ARRRGGGHH.

Mom says this one will look good on my performance evaluation, and I'm learning all kinds of new things, and this certainly challenges my organizational skills and blah blah BLARRRGGHHHHH.

J says there is no point in spending any time on pouting (I'm paraphrasing, but I'm pretty sure that was his point.), but I disagree. I think it's delightfully Pollyanna of him to be so immediately resilient, but I'm not that emotionally mature yet. I also think it is important to acknowledge what sucks, lest it mow over any and all surprise flowers along the way. You name it, you sit with it, you take a bath and make some tea and try to be ok with it a little sooner than you'd like to be. And maybe with lots of practice you get a little better at dealing with it.

I can either stagger under the load until I just don't care to try anymore, or I can remember that this is a means, not an end. I'll do my best and yes, it will serve some purpose. But while I do my best to carry all the shit I do not want to do, I will also do my best to put it down at the end of the day and find some lightness to carry me home where I can do anything I damn well choose.

I learned the other day that I will never be as organized as I try to be. I will never remember it all, I will always be messy, and I will never quite have my shit together. These fucking stupid tasks will make me crazy angry because I cannot manage them as thoroughly or efficiently as I want to. There are other personalities better suited for that, but we are short of personalities overall, so we've got to make do, and I'm the kind of person who wants to pitch in. That's a good thing, as is the fact that it's my perfectionistic preference that makes these frigging tasks so overwhelmingly awful. I would choose to do them well, and it frustrates me that they are not going to be pretty. Not pretty, but done. I might as well go sit down with that one, because it's going to take me a while to accept it.