My stomach- my nerves- feel exactly like they did for most of 2012. There is a twist in my diaphragm, a drop in my stomach, and my heart hurts. I had a come to Jesus meeting with Ant last night about him breaking all five of my rules. I went over those five again, named everything he gets in return, explained that I would not continue our situation if he couldn't keep up on his part, that this agreement is a choice for me and a choice for him. I asked him what he'd like to do. He said he wanted to keep our agreement, and that he could and would meet my requirements.
But today, I am met with... not evidence, but a strong suggestion that he is not going to meet these things. And it feels like shit.
If I have to end this, I will. I know that. Because for one, I'm not playing that game anymore. Two, he's gonna have to learn that shit doesn't work that way. Three, I cannot function when I feel like this, and I am not going to. How the hell did I live like this, and for how long?
Everything was going ok- he got good grades last semester, he was doing his chores... I don't know if he's just feeling comfortable or entitled or what the deal is- why things are so suddenly different, but I called him out and asked him what he wanted. I find more bullshit the next day?!?
Well, I promise I won't live like this. I would like nothing more than to help him get set up- to help him reach his goals and be the support he needs while he's still in goddamn high school- even after! But if this is what he's going to bring to the table, he's going to have to find another table. And I'm not just saying it.
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