Complementary forces

By the time I make it back here, there's 800 things to tell you.

"How was your trip, Jenny?"

Great. Now let me go on my tirade.


I got back Saturday afternoon and actually started unpacking, but instead met up with Lena and had a beer and some food and hung out for a few hours. Mini did fine at her house except that Lena now knows that Mini hates having her nails trimmed and I am terrible at it. I got home and just cuddled Mini and put some things away.

On Sunday I did that half-hearted Sunday bullshit where you are almost productive but not exactly. I did find a shirt to wear for my interview, got my outfit sister-approved and put the rest of my crap away, which is a serious record in the unpacking from a trip category. I also bought food AND COOKED DINNER. I did not do yoga or finish a paper, but I did make progress on one.

On Monday, I suffered through the world's longest meeting, then had a short amount of time to finish preparing for a presentation, but I have done this one like seven times already, so I was fine and it went pretty well. Then I came back to my desk and my class buddy asks about my homework status. "It's gonna be a rough week," I say, "but I'll have it done by Friday."

"Except the Emotional Intelligence one, right?" he says.

"No... I'll be doing that this week."

"But... that's due... today."

Nice job, Jenny. So I went straight home after work and took the assessment, read the book, and wrote the paper and still went to the kickball game on time. I was the third person there... out of six. Half our damn team didn't show. One person is across the country- no idea what the rest of their excuses are. Sarah was mad and I agree- that was some shit. What's with the no notice? If we'd known even earlier that day, we could have found subs.

We had to forfeit, but the other team donated one player and one spectator, plus some guy from a totally different field offered to play his third game of the night with us. We played for fun, and it was the most fun we've had all season. Everyone was laughing and nice to each other, except for the ribbing from the other team to their donated player.

Today was my interview.

This damn job... it's the same grade and it's an admin assistant, but I was told it's the best spot we've got for editing. I wasn't even going to apply, but I had a conversation with the supervisor who told me it would be 65% editing. Well, ok! Who cares what else it involves? (Lots of fancy pants and meeting minutes, but wouldn't it be worth it to get paid for editing?)

I feel completely unsettled by the interview. I am pretty good at interviews, but this did not feel the same. I got some pretty positive signs from one person, but the other two were hard to read. They started talking to me as if I was interviewing for a totally different job which- hello- I am. You already know I am here for the editing! I am not worried about your admin. I can do all those things, and you clearly know that if I'm being interviewed. I'm interested in what the editing is about. I thought I had this conversation with you ahead of time because I didn't think it was a good fit either... until you talked me into it! Why are you trying to talk me out of it now?!? I didn't want to waste your time or mine, and now I'm wondering what this was all for.

So the assessment I took last night yielded pretty even results, so I chose self-management for my improvements. I think I'm alright with self-awareness, but I like to excuse my preferred behavior. I chose three strategies as required, and I tried to make them things that were relevant and possible- things that would show up often.

Visualize yourself succeeding
Stay synchronized
Sleep on it

Before I left for the interview, a coworker told me to picture the interview going well. Interesting how quickly that one came up. I LOVE imagining the worst case scenario- it feeds my inner drama llama. You know I love Rescue 911 and Drama in Real Life, and one of my very favorite things to do is imagine myself in the most dire of circumstances. Apparently, that's not the healthiest or most realistic thing to do. It would be more accurate to imagine success, but that's not how we're wired, and that's one of those things that's going to require rerouting.

The synchronizing is supposed to be about maintaining control over yourself, but I really like the idea of learning to notice when others' emotions are not lining up with their behavior. I can read emotions pretty well, but I miss the contradictions in their actions, which is probably why my friends think my man radar is busted. If I could see those things, I could do something different, but that's hard when you DON'T WAAAANNNA SEEEEEE.

As for turning that around on myself, I think it would be good to think about how quickly my behavior betrays my real feelings. If it's not something I would say, maybe it's not something I should show. That seems like a good rule.

This last one is going to be much harder than I anticipated. I do not want to put it down- even temporarily. I just had a long conversation with Tracy about this at 10:00 when she was trying to go to bed. When I am ready, it's time to go, and I am immediately and completely frustrated when everyone is not on board. I cannot begin to imagine how to work on that. I wasn't even able to accept the title of the strategy. I like the author's further description better- letting the dust settle. That feels like I'm still part of the action. I cannot look away.

This does not feel fair. I am just extraordinarily impatient?! I don't feel like an impatient person. It's true that I would rather start moving furniture than measure, but that's because I can't see it until I try it. I'm not good with projects that require chipping. I'd rather try dynamite. I wonder if the project problem is just that I never learned how to manage them. I like doing puzzles, but it borders on obsession- I can barely drag myself away for inconveniences like sleep and work until it is done. Maybe that's not fair either- what if I had a puzzle room? What if I could close the door and not have to worry about it being covered in weekly debris or cat vomit?

I know I am not a disciplined person. I don't know if it's possible to become one. My therapist says no, and that I'd be better off by accepting my messy self, stop making so many lists, and just taking advantage of the productivity when it hits. Maybe also try to make life easier as is rather than always seeking an overhaul. But what if I LIKE overhauls!

I would like to write, and I have some really good ideas, but I can't seem to structure my days. That sounds so productive and also so BORING. Plus I have about twelve other things I'm supposed to be doing every day- what gets priority? Should I start getting ready for bed as soon as I'm done getting things ready for the next day?

I am gone a lot. I am back to sports three nights a week, and I'm trying to add more. I've got friends who want to rally, and I want to walk, do yoga, and get knocked down in a martial arts class. I want to take drum lessons and a writing class, start submitting writing and volunteering to edit. I want to go out with friends and meet more stupid, disappointing men. You'd forgive me for that if you knew the details. I want to make things and grow things and learn things and see things and this goddamn job takes up too much of my world, so it's past time to find a way to get paid to spend my time how I want.

If they don't see my worth for this job, it's probably for the best, and all that means is I have to find my own damn path. That wasn't much of a surprise, was it? But I am still without the key, which is to figure out how to channel all this energy and intention into daily steps towards those big, big goals.