Paper tigers

I just sorted paper ALL DAY.

I should have taken a before picture. I think I had about two crates full after I found all the piles squirreled around my apartment. I had old bills, yes, but I also had my driver's ed certificate.

I sorted everything, and I am shredding and recycling approximately three reams. I have been listening to this organization podcast and even if I don't have a garage or a laundry room, it's been motivating. When I need to get productive, I cannot listen to a good book and definitely not music, or I will put on a concert.

Yesterday it was a hot mess in here, and of course it felt like I had just created a bigger nightmare. There were a couple self-flogging moments, but I argued with myself, insisting that I was making progress. The organization lady helped with that one too- she says goal accomplishment has levels: good, better, and best. Getting all the paper into one place is good. It's still progress. And it's only 7:00! Thank you, daylight savings.

I feel both recentered and intimidated. There are so many projects, and none of them will be finished in an afternoon. Ok, I don't know that.

There was a loss in the Topaz family, and I called Mom to make sure that my caution was not about my preference. We talked a good amount about intention, and how it doesn't measure up to shit unless you do something about it.

That reminded me to send an email thanking the woman who created a really helpful breakdown of the Mann Gulch fire. There is too much of an explanation in there, and I still need to vacuum, so I'm moving on now.

So I want to get these things done, or at least moving. I feel like I just got the weight of all this paper off me, but now I'm reminded of all the stuff I was supposed to do. Gah! Things that need daily attention! Things that will be expensive! Things that need to be prioritized! Things that are not easy or fun!

It was a humbling tour through the last five years, let me tell you. Time does go by fast. But while there were plenty of uncompleted things to flog myself about, I found all kinds of programs and ticket stubs and notes and nice little reminders of all the fun things I've done. I started some binders- thanks for the idea, Ma. The problem with photo or scrapbook albums is having to have the whole thing planned out already, and this way I can add or reorganize as needed.

There are large envelopes for each of Ant's school years- 2007 through 2012, then 2015. I have some Nixon family pictures, and keeping all of that together for him. There's been even more Jerry Springer drama in Chris' world, but it feels nice to be more removed from that. Ant felt the need to remove himself as well, and has moved in with a friend. He's struggling but working and learning, and he has a good attitude about it. I saw him Thursday, and we had a good time catching up. I try to limit my exasperation about how Chris' decisions impact Ant, because he is figuring that out. Today was a weird and neat place to be, looking at all this stuff I kept for Ant, and having a very different perspective about that time. I think I was only guilty of extreme optimism and low self-esteem. It wasn't all bad at all, but man... that boiled frog.

I felt from the beginning of that aftermath that I wasn't allowed to be sad or upset, and I get why. I think my grief has been long, though, drawn out some by me and some by the special brand of bullshit that Chris and one other can't help but spread. I think it's ok that it took a while. I think it means that I took the processing seriously. Today I combed through my whole life, but especially the past five years, and emerged intact- a little proud and a little mortified. I think I know what I want and I think I'm doing alright.