The game

Let's see if this works.

I'm all angry right now because I agreed to play kickball tonight. I'm always relearning that it's never anger but something else, so surely it's just anxiety or some other fear but I feel like this lots of times, like when I have agreed to attend a party- even my own. I usually get ragey in the car on the way there- when no one can judge me- and OH MAN do I wish I was a laid back person sometimes. Is anxiety ever cute? What about irrational anger? Do people always just love you despite who you really are? It catches me off guard when people say I'm nice. No, I promise I'm a judgy asshole. And most of the time I try to keep that on the inside, except that my expressions tell on me.

After the game I will feel better and relieved and sometimes even like a sporty girl. I'll be glad I played in spite of all this- that I can be this anxious and do it anyway. See here's a way I'm going to be a judgy asshole: it's eyebrow raising to me when people say they can't do something because of their social anxiety. It's not a measurable thing and certainly not a comparative thing but here I am with irrational rage and a wobbly stomach over a KICKBALL GAME. But here I am.

Two guys just came out to their cars and were laughing about their game.

"That was ugly!" they laughed.

I've got to take myself less seriously.