Buzzing

The Hello Fresh meals are really tasty and I think they are teaching me how to cook. Maybe that's an illusion though, because I messed up the very clear instructions and had to remake the sauce, but I didn't have anymore cream cheese so I thought I'd try one of the 40 extra sour cream packets I have now. Sour cream is not a good substitute for cream cheese. I keep thinking I'll stop the plan because it's expensive and there's a lot of packaging involved and I make a hideous mess every time, but then I eat the food and I'm converted all over again. This happens every single week. But to give you an idea of how much of a mess I make, I finally finished washing all the dishes and then I felt like Vanna White with all the open cupboard doors I just had to close.

Yesterday I went to Zumba, attended my local Democratic caucus, walked Gus, then drove out to Carson and visited with Mike for 3 hours. When I got home, I was so tired that I ate a few crackers with cheese and went to bed. I couldn't sleep, though, because I knew by then that I wasn't having a date today and it made me really sad and think horrible things so I watched the Bikram documentary on Netflix, which was horrifying. Who'd have seen this coming: a dude stole someone else's work and claimed to have invented it, is an extreme narcissist, lies, takes advantage of and rapes women, escapes justice, and still operates a thriving business outside the US. The method is good, of course, because he stole it from someone more capable than himself, so it's hard for people to reconcile how he can be such a monster while their bodies function better than ever before under his tutelage. That was seriously disturbing and I was really awake then, so I decided to watch The Notebook so I could feel even worse about my dating situation and have terrible dreams all night. 

I'm hoping the Mercury retrograde is the culprit for technology problems. My IT guy (Ant) is in LA indefinitely and there is a mysterious beeping in my living room. I can't find it. I am not insane. No earbuds or bluetooth work for conversations on my phone and my aux cord won't work in my car, so no iPod, no music. I think it's the jack, but there isn't anything I can do about that. Hence the bluetooth, so WHY DOESN'T THAT WORK.

Today I learned my Clutterbug style, and before you groan at another personality assessment, let me tell you how amazing it is. I am a bee- like a busy bee- and it was so right on it made slow chuckle. I have a lot of projects going on and I keep my tools for that project out so I can remind myself about it. If I put them away, I won't remember to do it. This tells me that it's really important to dedicate time to finish projects so that I can put things away.

I also learned that while bees prefer micro-organizing, it's better to start with macro-organizing until you get a handle on things. This means sorting in larger categories for now. I immediately (started a new project) gathered all my useless earbuds and cords and extra rubber earbud replacements in one bin and decided that's where electronic things live! Then I created a mail drawer and a tool drawer and combined all the candles and matches and extra candles from their various homes into a bin large enough to hold them all and immediately found the candle plate I've been looking everywhere for. It was put away in the candle bin. Why didn't I look there? 

Bees WANT labels and super organization, but they need to see their stuff. The lady mentioned baskets, so that was all the invitation I needed to run out to the thrift store for coat hooks and more baskets. I want a cool coat hook rack but I guess I'll have to know it when I see it and then bribe someone to install it because I just did not find something that felt right. I did find a over the door shoe organizer that I used to sort my gloves and hats so now I can SEE them. I had a round mesh hanging thing but it took up a lot of room and was somehow collapsing in on itself at the same time- how? I also found a bunch of cool wire baskets so that'll be fun.

Tomorrow I'll be working, then hooping and making Gus food, and then I'll probably rearrange furniture.

In the other podcast I love, they asked a different kind of know yourself question: do you relax better at home or away? Away, away, away... oh my god yes, away.

Maybe I do like teaching

Today I taught my class and then I taught the first workshop in a series of three about applying for government jobs. I have learned a lot about the process over the last 4 years of teaching my class (and then some) and people keep sending their friends and coworkers my way for help, so I created the workshops. I asked a coworker for support because she went through my workshop in the class and found a lot of success. She'd been applying to many jobs with no luck before, and after the workshop she got referred for every job she applied for, then interviewed and was offered a good handful. She added credibility, but also shared some of her experiences and answered some questions. There was another friend in a different department who wanted to help out with the workshops as soon as he heard about them. He's got a good view of the interviewing side and all the background work the hiring manager does and also shared his experience. It was two hours and we filled every bit of it answering questions and presenting information. One participant was pretty familiar with the process and still said he gained a lot of new info to take to his group. It went so well! We have changes to make for next time for the phone participants, but it was good and I feel happy and proud of us. I did most of the presentation, but my friend presented his part and both of them added information. It felt collaborative and successful. What was really cool was that Dad wanted to attend, so we sent him an invite and he listened in. That reminded me of when I was working in an office in Virginia and he'd tell me when he was going to La Jolla so I could tune in to their pier webcam and watch him surf. That was cool. :)

I was exhausted and took myself out for a burger on the way home, then dragged myself to ballet and enjoyed the burn and the satisfaction that I actually went. I had some work to catch up on so I'm getting ready for bed now but that was a satisfying day.

Trying to write blogs

Today was feeling like a good day. I got things done this morning, I had a delightful development in learning how to do my hair, I remembered everything I was supposed to do, and then I had an informal presentation that felt messy. I'm actually fine with messy, but I felt flustered, and that annoys me because I feel like I shouldn't still be bothered by nerves just because it's a new group. I've been doing this long enough that I feel like it shouldn't fluster me, as if that has anything to do with anything. It was really fine, but I am looking forward to a more structured visit.

I figured if I wrote about it I'd be able to let it go. 

It was a good week, though. I love my class- they are awesome people, and I am excited about how we'll do the content this year. I went to ballet and I love that class. My legs love that class. I also did some hoop dance and we got a trick down that has been eluding us. I'm also planning on doing some Zumba this weekend, and that makes me happy. I like doing exercise that's fun. 

This week, I am obsessed with 

-Kelly Willis, He Don't Care About Me

-Next in Fashion on Netflix

-Dove dark chocolate Promises, although the promises are either stolen or trite or both and I hate every single thing they say. I also know chocolate snobs (you know who you are) that think Dove is crap chocolate, but you're wrong. Maybe I'm saying that because it is really smooth and that is currently a feature I need in my chocolate, but this shit really is silky smooth. Maybe the silkiness comes from silicone and ground up cat noses and you can still take your chocolate snobbery elsewhere.

Homemade meatball kind of good

I felt really proud of myself today. Well, and last night. I actually packed a lunch and picked out clothes and had everything ready to go, so I was able to move at a sane pace- even a slow pace- this morning. Is that how you morning people do this?

Then I actually remembered to bring my lunch and I had turkey meatballs and spaghetti sauce. I made a bunch of meatballs this weekend and froze those and also froze spaghetti sauce in little containers. I was very happy about my lunch.

I left work early (always a good day) but today was spent working on my laptop while listening in to a class, and I got my emails down from 1038 to 600. It's ridiculous, and I either need a new system or to abandon it entirely. But no, not yet, because maybe I'm still at this job for a good reason. Let's hope, but stay tuned next year.

I had to drive home first to potty the Gus, but then I went to one of the library branches and listened to a lecture, then left with books and a DVD about the topic and a booklet full of this quarter's library events. Then I came home and heated up one of the pre-made and delivered meals I bought.

I'm so glad I went and glad I finally bought the meal delivery and glad I rolled all those meatballs. Today felt really good- kind of homemade turkey meatball good.

You get what you need

Things that are hard to write about:

It's been hard to lose my Night Bus. Maybe I've only lost him for now and not forever. I hope so. I feel all the judgments and auto-reject all the "you need to"s and I want to explain but even if I did, I can't fill in all the amazing stuff you couldn't know or the things I don't even remember. It's just my sad story and I get to deal with it alone no matter how much I tell. That's hard. I feel like I got thrown out of the coach as it turned back into a pumpkin and hey look, here's Gus Gus running around at my feet and there's nothing to do but go clean the kitchen. That was all real and this is too, fortunately or unfortunately, but the Ever After version was also nice when Drew Barrymore had enough of the shit and walked out of the castle by herself. The prince was a nice surprise, not her rescue vessel.
I have watched enough relationship movies to know that it's time to put all of this down and go do things for me. I thought I had- I thought I was, but maybe it just needs to be bigger. My friend said it did seem like the universe was fucking with me and gigglingly suggested I should throw litter out my window or not return my cart to the corral. We could never, of course, but it does feel like it's important to claim some space in the world. Another friend just said I have been ending some pretty big things like self-loathing and silence. That feels true and it feels good, not that those things are ever totally gone. There's more happening than it looks or feels like to me, but once she pointed it out, I could see it.
She also said she was told this year is the hanged man in the Tarot cards. It sounds appropriate for how this year has gone for so many people, but she said it's a sharp, abrupt ending of some physical things in preparation for the metaphysical things to come. It might not feel good, but it's productive. That'll work for me.
My fascinations lately are yellow, the Bruno Mars song When I Was Your Man, and finding spiders in their webs.

Cheap and cheerful

This weekend went up and down a lot, but I feel very accomplished. I helped a friend move, which I feel confidant about writing down on my exercise calendar. I also went to Zumba, so I might actually get all four classes in before the pass expires. I also didn't crash at Zumba, and for that matter, I did not need much candy corn on moving day. It helped that it went way faster moving in than out, and I also had a little bit of food that I did take a bolus for when I first got up, then ate a hefty breakfast and didn't touch the pump at all. I only ran out of fuel when we were down to the piano. Maybe my body just had no interest in participating in that part of the move.

I made a mad dash to a couple stores this evening for their denim deals and left with receipts for orders being shipped to my home. I also ordered shoes and Gus syringes and reviewed a local meal prep service. I am seriously considering this because I buy less groceries all the time and I'm still throwing food out. I barely cook, and that's usually only when Ant insists. I keep trying to buy food with less and less preparation or oven requirements. A coworker told me about this delivery service and I was in the middle of debating if the price was worth the convenience and carefully portioned calories when I realized my grilled cheese burning. Ok, I need dis.

It's late and there's still too many things on my to do list, but I finally have a birthday plan and I'm feeling way more optimistic now that I've hashed it all out with Tracy and Mom. Thanks for listening and very patiently working through my angst. I stood in the shade outside apartment buildings with Gus for probably hours this weekend, crying and talking with them. People in those apartments probably think I am being insane over something so small as a birthday celebration and it's true, I am, but there are a lot of reasons why this has felt so overwhelming this year.

I have no crazy plans in place. No unattainable gift bags to produce. I still don't know what food I'm ordering, but I do know I'm getting mini cupcakes and adding little icing decorations to them- hopefully flamingos if I can find them. The idea of a tiny cupcake with a flamingo perched on it delights me to no end. I do like to give out gift bags, but I can already hear Mom and Tracy shaking their heads, so no gift bags! Only a dollar store trophy for the winner of the tournament. Hooray!

Making room

I think in my head about good and bad and sideways things to share and I just can't get here to write them.

Tonight I want to write but I agreed to pick Jefe up at ungodly o'clock so we can go get his moving truck because I also agreed to help him move. Whenever I say I'm helping someone move, people tell me, "Wow, you're nice." That makes me wonder how they move. Do you not help your friends move?

So I should be packing and preparing for tomorrow instead of writing, but I have to. I want to write about how sad I am and how pissed off I am at all couples for having someone to run out to get Greek yogurt for the dog at 9 pm while the other unloads the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen. I hope Jefe doesn't need to put anything in the trunk of my car because it's full of books for work that I should have unloaded at the office when I was there this morning. I'd also like to hand wash my expensive bra because that's what it says to do so it can dry tomorrow while I wear shitty moving clothes. Not too shitty though, because I have an appointment tomorrow and nobody knows the work Jenny from the day off Jenny.

I'm trying to buy finger foods these days because I eat standing in my kitchen while heating homemade dog food and medicating the cat. What exercise? What PT? The podcast lady tells me I need a schedule.

A friend posted this and I shared it with coworkers. We all found different words that felt very relevant to our current situations.

Today I trained a new coworker on one of my roles that she's going to be taking over. I am beyond relieved that someone else gets to tame this beast and that because she was sitting there watching, I felt justified in ignoring everything else that swatted for my attention. She also projects calm, and recognizes my need to help everyone, so she tells me when to stop it.

I volunteered to help move tomorrow despite the increasing pain I'm having in my shoulder, and my appointment tomorrow is for PT. Today I thought I should help because I agreed to, but not kill myself or my shoulder in the process, and when it's time for the appointment, it's time for me to stop for the day. I can go back and help the next day if I'm needed, but after that appointment, it's time to go home and nap. Or watch a movie. Or cuddle the animals. Or all three.

My three words were purpose, creation, and self care, none of which I have going on right now. It's been interesting to see how these things pop up in every corner- constant reminders that I am not leaving room for them.

Wish me strength and energy tomorrow... and the ability to say no.