Do you now how many times in the last month I have started a blog and walked away from it?
It usually felt wrong to be here at all or was something that I couldn't explain right. Tonight I was thinking about how my blog is this really neat view of what it's like to acquire a 7-year-old and be a totally imperfect but well-meaning stepmother. This Sunday we went out to Topaz and Elaine had some videos of Chris and Joey when they were little. I thought then about how it seems so inconsequential at the time we're documenting, whether it's with a camera or with letters or even a blog, but later they become so valuable and few. A thought that occurs to me as I write this is that my blog helps me connect events and make sense of what the hell is going on.
So I just decided, just now at 7:30, that I needed to sit down and get it all out for several reasons:
1) Documentation of all the silly, wonderful, obnoxious, cute, and butt-headed moments of Ant's childhood so that someday he will have access to memories he might have otherwise forgotten. And maybe I will look less like an ogre. Maybe I will look worse. Either way, it's always neat to see through another person's perspective.
2) I am an analytical person. I'm also a very creative person, so there is a constant battle going on internally. No wonder I can't figure out what job to do. See? I need to write to straighten my thoughts out- to find out what I think. Some things I can't write here. I'm trying to remind myself that I still have a journal, but I don't want that to be all bad, sad thoughts because later on when I'm dead and my writing receives worldwide attention thanks to Tracy's publishing efforts (and careful editing, of course), I don't want to look like a whiny asshole. I NEED to write.
3) I need to write for a third reason that I only just figured out recently. How am I supposed to apply for writing jobs if I don't have any examples? I could write all day and very little of it would be boring. My thoughts are ridiculous. I censor myself so much in conversation and wind up looking like a dorky idiot. The faster I can transfer information from my brain into written words, the more socially adept I will be. I just need practice writing immediately so that I can respond faster in situations and actually say something witty... no, that is a skill that I will never fully have, but I would settle for anything better than "Uhhhhhhhhh." (A snort/chuckle as I recall those various moments...)
One of the benefits of a blog is that I can choose what to tell you. You all think I'm a great stepmother because I edit the situations to hide how dumb I was or how poorly I reacted. I mean, part of that is just good writing- I don't edit THAT much. If there's something where I really acted like a ding-dong, I just won't write about it. One rare exception is yesterday, because I have a moment of redemption.
After Sunday in Topaz, the dogs were pretty well exercised. That doesn't matter much in Riley's case, but Jasmine was toast. Monday, I wanted to take Riley for a long walk alone because I never get to do that. Jasmine was still tuckered out and her feet were a little cut up from the rocks, but I knew she would freak out if she got left behind. My solution was for Ant to take her for a much shorter walk but to leave at the same time. I told him exactly where I wanted him to go, calculating out how far we normally go and what would be enough for her to stretch her legs and feel walked. As we parted ways, Jasmine kept pulling away from Ant and tried to follow me. That was so cute and sad- I felt like I was leaving her at kindergarten. Riley and I got over to the school, which is literally across the street. I turned to pick up her poo and here's Ant walking back down the hill towards our house. I wanted a short walk, but good grief. He saw me, but from that far away I could see that he saw me. His posture changed and he hesitated, not sure if I saw him. Then he went inside.
I texted Chris and I did not go banshee. I asked him to ask Ant why he hadn't done what I asked and to please send him back out. Then I continued on my walk with Riley. When I got home, I asked Chris if he'd gotten my text. He had, but hadn't responded, which annoyed me to no end. He said he'd asked Ant what happened, Ant said he'd done what I asked, and that was that. I said that it was most certainly NOT what I asked, he couldn't have gone that far, blah blah blah. Ant went into defensive mode and I was angry and insistent that he go do what I told him to. Ant argued, I argued back, Ant was a snotty teenager, and I lost whatever shred of cool I had in the first place. That gem ended with Ant outmaneuvering me and running out of the house with Jasmine to get away from me and take her for whatever walk he felt like.
You know in Anchorman when Brick (Steve Carrell) yells, "LOUD NOISES!" He's a really dumb guy that never knows what's going on and is unintentionally very honest. Well, I went back to Chris's office and while I yelled totally different things, this is what it would have sounded like if I was Brick:
"THAT GOT OUT OF HAND AND I DON'T KNOW WHY, PLEASE HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED!!!!"
No, what I yelled was accusatory and completely unhelpful. The good news is that I found the question relatively fast and managed to calm down and ask for help. Chris, thankfully, worked through the situation with me. "Don't argue with him," he said, "and don't accuse him of lying." I indirectly accused, but still. "Ask him to please go give Jasmine some more exercise. Don't get drawn in, just repeat what you want him to do."
"But he was talking back! Am I supposed to allow that?"
"Everybody talks back. Even at work if your boss asks you to do something, you'll still grumble under your breath. Ignore the talk."
When Ant came back, I thanked him for taking Jasmine out. He went straight into Chris's office and shut the door. I heard a bit of protest from Ant, but not whatever Chris was telling him. I went on folding laundry. I was still pretty shaky because I never feel okay until Ant and I are okay again. When I went out to cook dinner, Ant was sitting at my desk doing homework.
"I'm sorry, Jenny."
I went to hug him. "I'm sorry too."
We had wings and fresh veggies for dinner and sat down in front of a movie. The sound was down and Chris asked Ant to go turn it up.
"It's just a quiet part," Ant said, not moving.
Well, Chris knew that the volume was down but didn't say anything. I watched, seeing an example in progress of not getting drawn into an argument. Soon enough, it became apparent that the volume was low and Chris asked Ant to go turn it up. This time, he got up without a word. Ahhhh, I see!
Not that I'm able to do that yet. But oh, I look forward to it.
So our neighbors came over to hang out for a bit and Ant went to go play drums on his practice pad and then go to bed. WAY later, Chris was talking music with the neighbor and went into Ant's room to find some piece of equipment and found Ant on Facebook with the old laptop. Caught!
Chris didn't say anything to me until our neighbors left. He came into the kitchen carrying the laptop and said, "Ant's grounded for a month." Not only did Ant take that laptop without permission, he's certainly not supposed to have unlimited access. He's been on Facebook at night- no wonder he oversleeps. We had this deal with the iPod touch that he could use it with permission after homework but he had to put it back on the dock- no more texting all night. But Chris said earlier that very night he went to get Pandora on the iPod and realized that Ant had stolen the broken one from our room and put it on the dock as a decoy, so he could keep the one that worked. What a sneaky move.
Maybe I should have started with Sunday- there are so many things I want to tell you about. I had a fasting lab Monday morning, so I had to be careful Sunday night. No food after 8, so it was imperative not to crash and need sugar. We ate by 7 and I kept my kit nearby to test right at 8 in case I needed to prop up on some protein. When we left at 9, I grabbed my kit, but in the shuffle it didn't make it into my purse and for the first time EVER, in 7 1/2 years, I left my kit at Topaz. Of course, I didn't figure that out until 11:45, long after we'd been at home. Chris called to confirm ("Yep, here it is!") and we immediately changed Monday's plan to get my blood drawn, see if we could get a reading from that, bring along some needles and a fresh bottle of insulin, grab breakfast and go drive to Topaz. I tried to console my idiot self by acknowledging that I have never done that before, and I've been on insulin for 11 years. It really helped that Chris was supportive and flexible. That made me realize how much easier it is to deal with problems when you don't receive a ration of shit from your partner. Aha.
We checked through the linen closet for any old, stray meters but came up empty, so I just made sure I had juice and snacks by the bed. Monday morning came without incident and we drove to the VA. After the lab, we went up to see the Diabetes Educator to see if she could either A) check the lab results or B) quickly check my blood on one of her meters. She was stuck on the phone, so her pharmacist came to help us. When I explained my dilemma, she just gave me another meter. "You should have a backup anyway," she said.
I heart the VA. I am going to send them a valentine.
And here's the last part of this blog, I promise.
I got an email from Career Connections at UNR about a job fair today and decided I should go. It was set up by the College of Agriculture, Biotechnology, and Natural Resources, but all majors were invited to go. It was all a bunch of federal agencies: Department of Forestry, Land Management, etc. I'm looking for a government job, so it was necessary to find some motivation and go be uncomfortable in front of people. There were lots of factors that tried to derail me, like sleep and dog hair, but Tracy said I should treat it like an interview so I got up and dressed nice. I went to check the email, but it had no information about when or where. I wondered if that was like the government job process- how it's convoluted to weed out people, but a placement office is supposed to help you get a job, so I think that was just stupidity. I called their office and got no answer, so I called the student union. "Yep, it's here!" Whew! Successfully navigated that roadblock! Now I just needed the resume.
Our printer died, so I went next door. They weren't home, so I ordered a print job online through FedEx Kinko's. They said it wouldn't be ready until 1, so I brought in a flash drive in case I could get it done faster that way. Some entitled bitch stole my parking spot, so I muttered vicious curses and parked in the back. There was a line, so I waited. They said it wasn't due until 1, so I prepared to ask nicely. It was already done, so I thanked them profusely.
Outside, I realized that I had no money for the meters at UNR. On the way to the bank to make a withdrawal of $5 in quarters, I tried to keep myself psyched up. "You already navigated three hurdles," I said to myself. "Getting the info, printing the resume, and getting money for the meters!"
"No," said the wise version of myself I was having the conversation with. "The biggest hurdle was leaving the house. You're out here now. You're already doing this."
Yay, yay! It's all downhill from here! No matter what the other hurdles are, I'm already out here! I'm not going to stop now! And it's a good thing, because here comes road construction! Literal detours!
I went to the job fair and I talked to someone at every table. I got fliers, I handed out resumes. I got flat turned down at one table, but everyone else was positive and trying to think of possibilities for office jobs. The Department of Forestry people were happy to hear that I already had an account on their application website and the guy at the last table asked if I had set up an account on the state website. The state! I hadn't even thought about a state job! He gave me his card and told me to call if I need any help.
I promised myself that if I went to the job fair, I could have the rest of the day off. Anything to propel me out the door. So now I'm keeping my word- the job search resumes tomorrow. It will be online applications all day. I am glad I went and I have a lot of leads.
As for my kit, I have everything I need, so we're going to wait until Mike & Elaine need to come into town and then we'll meet them halfway. Elaine called and said that Mike was sick. He's Type II, and is on medication for it. He has a meter but when they went to check his sugar, the battery was dead. "Can we use yours?" Of course! Once they knew where he was, they knew how much medicine he needed. Maybe I left it there for a reason.
Well, that's 3 hours of blog right there. I should blog more often for your sakes if not my own. It is amazing that I got all that written, especially with Ant singing the following nonstop from 8-9:
Chicken wing
Chicken wing
Hot dogs and BALONEY
Chicken and MACARONI
Chillin with my HOMIES!!!
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