Chris had a gig last night and Ant didn't have anywhere to spend the night, so I got to stay home. He was bored and the movie he was watching did not occupy him. He's been doing this thing lately where he sneaks around the house and hides in closets to jump out at us. Like I said, he's bored. He got in trouble for taking the laptop and iPod and the ruling from Chris was no electronics for one month. So last night I started making dinner and saw Ant leapt from my side of the hallway to his with a white cord dangling from his hand. I asked him what he was doing and he popped out with empty hands and started sneaking down the hall towards me as if he was just playing ninja.
"Did you take something from my room?"
"No."
He went back to his movie and I saw him peek over the couch at me.
"What did you take from my room?"
"Nothing!"
But then he slowly cracked and over the next five minutes I got back the screwdriver, the iPod charger and an iPod. The only thing I yelled about was asking him if I had to put a lock on my door when I was HOME. At first I told him to turn off the movie- that he could read or play trumpet. I texted Chris to let him know and he immediately called. When he found out it was one that had no internet access, he said Ant probably just wanted to listen to music.
"Oh, he could have that."
Now, wait a minute. You said no electronics. That's what Ant and I both understood. Besides, the problem is not him having this stuff, but just taking whatever he wants without asking, especially when he's not supposed to have it. Plus, he took the broken iPod from our room and swapped it out with the one he was supposed to keep on the dock to fake us out so he could keep the real one. He had access to the internet on that, he had music, and he could text his friends, but he didn't like having limited access. He told me he felt entitled to it.
Just yesterday, Chris and I were talking about Ant's life before he came here. I thought I understood what he was coming from, but periodically I learn something else that just blows me away. He tells these stories now about life with his mom and they are just fantastic. It sounds like they had this wonderful, happy life and it's all about these funny family moments and while some could certainly be true and the lack of care doesn't mean that she doesn't love all her kids, a lot of these stories are just impossible. But I remember that I told a LOT of lies around this age. He assumes that we know nothing about his life back then, so it's just a perfect cover. "When I was with my mom" stories. He was telling us a couple days ago about how he used to climb the walls. He'd push himself up against the walls and just hang out near the ceiling and jump down and scare people. Later, Chris wondered if his uncle had taught him that. I was incredulous. Did he remember the condition of the kid who came to live with us? 7, small, guarded, and terrified to climb a tree. He was not the sturdy kid that he quickly became. He was neglected and pale, soft and unsure. He changed so fast, but he'll probably never realize that. He'll think that he was always that way, like how you forget when you learned something and assumed you've always known it. And I don't think that's a bad thing. It's probably the best thing possible for him to project back and see happy times with his mom and his sisters. It is amazing, though, how the biggest problem in his life now is that he can't have unlimited access to an iPod Touch. It floors me, and I think about how he really has no idea just how lucky he is. Of course, he's miserable. He's got it so hard, and I try to keep it in perspective- not comparing to his old life, but to his peers. Do they have a drum set in their living room that they can play anytime they want? Do they jam with their dad? Do they have a projector in their room? Is there much that he's wanted that he hasn't gotten? Nope.
And let me tell you, this has not been fun. He is so obnoxious right now. He had a dentist appointment on Thursday. It was too early in the day to send him to school and would end too late to take him there later, so he got a day off and spent all day with us. It was maddening, because almost every sentence he spoke started with no. "No, that's not where we went..." or "No, I don't want to hear that channel..." or "No, that's not true..." It even gets so silly like "No, the grass is blue." He is a joy to be around. Chris encouraged me not to argue, so Thursday was a great day to practice. Everything that came out of our mouths was argued with, and we just remained silent. The only way we would respond to protest was to repeat what we'd asked him to do. It got to the point where we had to laugh or we would have thrown him out the window. Oh, and he has to go to a specialist that costs at least $100 because he may have an infection in the tooth he broke. When we were coming back home, Chris got a call to come pick up a sound board. "Do you want me to take him with me?" I looked at him in silent gratitude. But back to last night.
I sat down with Ant and sighed. "Again," I told him. "The problem is not with you having these things, but with you taking them. I can't reward you for taking the iPod by giving it to you. You're going to have to earn it. What do you think we should do?"
Ant was all frustrated and started to cry again. I asked him to tell me whatever was going on.
"I can't! It will hurt your feelings."
I told him that anything that helped me be a better stepparent would not hurt my feelings. He told me that when Chris told him that we might break up, he was okay with it. I asked him why. He said I treat everything as if it's the end of the world.
"Well, that's fair," I said. "And that's something I am trying hard to work on. I'm going to need your help on that, so I'm glad you told me."
Hang on a minute while I collect myself. I'm collapsing inside now like I couldn't last night.
So then I told him that I'm not really an evil person and that even though it might sometimes seem like my job title is Permanent Stick in the Mud, everything I'm doing is in an effort to make sure he is happy and successful. On a side note to you guys, I must explain that I look so far into the future that I miss out on the present, which is definitely a problem. But back to what I said to Ant. I told him that no matter what ever happened between me and his dad, I would not disappear. "No matter how much you may want me to." He giggled at that.
I'm looking through this conversation and realizing that it may be out of order. I cannot remember, but I hope it doesn't matter. I'm just going to get it all down and offer a disclaimer.
In that conversation, wherever it came, I realized that my reaction time had been so much better than it used to be. I did get upset, mostly that my privacy was not respected. I do not rifle through his room and I did not want to read his private messages on Facebook. Chris has no problem doing those things and I believe he has that right, but I find privacy valuable and on that one I think the golden rule applies.
So I told him that I was upset that he did not respect my privacy. I pointed out that I respect his privacy and I expect the same. I said that I hardly yelled and calmed down pretty fast. (I realize that the ideal is to not yell at all, but I don't actually know anyone who has their shit together that much.) So then it occurred to me that he said I treat everything like it's the end of the world and asked him how Daddy would have reacted.
The tears came really hard then. Ant said Chris would have been really mad, yelled at him, and maybe sent him back to his mom.
What? Why would you ever think that? He said that when he first came here, Chris had asked him if he wanted to go back to his mom's, like it was a threat. I hugged that kid so tight and told him that would never happen, that it would take an army to pull him away from his dad. I told him he was staying put and that he was safe here.
So here's what sucks. Why does it feel like Ant has a say in mine and Chris's relationship? For one, I'd lose simply on the grounds that I am the stepmother and I'm just never going to be as popular as Chris. Two, my whiny self-pity response is that I never had that option. I feel like there are legitimate arguments on both sides, which is why stepfamilies are so hard. But really, no matter how wonderful I am or not, I will always be the evil stepmother. He thinks Chris would roar at him and send him back to his mom, but I'm the ogre? I'm the one sitting here holding this kid, telling him that his dad, myself, and about 50 other people would fight to death for him, but he'd be okay with me leaving? No he wouldn't, but he doesn't recognize that, of course. He's not a psychologist, nor spent years in counseling wondering why everybody abandons him. He probably shouldn't have a say in our relationship not only because I would categorically lose, but because his brain is all muddled and not fully formed yet. He's distracted, he's a ball of emotions, he's self-absorbed, he's cranky... all for very biological reasons. Most importantly, he's all about the impulses. He is wired to be impulsive. Or maybe I should say haywired to be impulsive. He has enough to worry about just functioning from day to day.
So I am a creep. I am the asshole who's no fun and poops on everything who's currently not financially contributing much to the household. I do most of the cooking, though. Most of the cleaning, most of the laundry, damn near all the dog walking and exercise, grooming, feeding and pottying. I am the savings maven and the budgeter/bill-payer. I am usually the disciplinarian, enforcer, and supervisor simply because I am here more often. For my troubles, I get excluded from the very necessary father and son time and treated like I'm an asshole who interferes with all their fun. Neither one of them see how good they have it.
Chris and I are dealing with our relationship, trying to reconnect after many years of letting a lot of shit come between us. There have been so few times in the last 9 years when we were both successful at the same time. We're so close to that now, and yet it feels like we are also walking a tightrope to get there. How can we be so close to success and failure at the same time? If I were to make the unfair analogy of Ant being between us, it would be easy to imagine being able to see over him and keep a connection and picture him growing into a teenager and blocking our view. I don't want to lose him. As frustrating as we are to each other sometimes, we have such love. We also have such different skills that we can always help each other. We seem very different, but we are not.
I just have to hang on and find work. I know you’re not supposed to wait on finances to be happy, but we’ve already spent 4 ½ years- the whole time Ant’s been here- with me in college and not able to do a lot of fun things. I need my job to be the baseline so that Chris’s income is free to fluctuate. I keep hearing that happiness in my role means happiness for the whole family, and if I need a steady income for that, so be it. I haven’t said much about the chores because I’m home and it’s almost my only way of contributing right now. Once I start work that will change. Ant may not realize it, but Chris does.
I'd better post this now, since I just got the warning call from Charter. Sigh. I'm not too worried about that- there are more important things to pay for than TV and I can go to the library for internet. That might help me concentrate, actually. I was talking to dad about the job search and the bills. He said he was going to go to the Sprint store to see if he could upgrade my phone and maybe my plan so I could have easier access to email and such. I couldn't respond much without crying, but how kind is that? He asked me what else was going on in my life and then laughed because really, what else is there room for?
This, Dad. All this.
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