I woke up from a horrible dream this morning. It was as awful as usual, but this time it was Ant who was letting things slip about the tramps and not trying very hard to keep it secret or stop laughing. Of course, I don’t think he is laughing in real life. It was pretty bad in the dream, though. I was trying to talk seriously to Chris and also trying to throw cans of cat food at his head. I kept telling him that he needed to stand still because he really deserved it. I finally got him- hit him square in the head so hard it split either the can or his head open- I’m not really sure which.
I stayed in bed trying to listen to Book Radio for an hour, trying to separate myself from the dream. I felt so down that I just could not get up. When I finally did, I sat back down and could not go. I was not sick, but I was not well, and I had trouble justifying going to work and not going to work. I had to go, but I could not go. I was just in no state to talk to people, and that does not sound nearly as bad as it felt. I went to eat breakfast and sat down at my puzzle table. I decided that I needed to stay put for a bit and texted my boss. I worked on my puzzle and after a while, I noticed that my mood had greatly improved. I was not drowning in miserable thoughts anymore. I felt normal again- even ready for a day full of phone calls. I went to work.
I walked in and nobody was at their desk. I went to check in with my boss and she wasn’t there. The operator called me over and told me everyone was in a meeting- which never happens when the phones are on. She told me something that I didn’t understand. She told me again. A coworker has killed herself.
I walk into the meeting and the two suicide prevention social workers are at the front of the room. We just saw one of them last week during our training on suicide calls. We were supposed to have another session after the phones stopped today. John asks me if I know what happened. My boss comes over and walks me out to tell me herself. It took her words- the third or fourth time I heard what happened- before I understood. I returned to the meeting. Everyone was just rocked. The social workers invited us to stay and talk or come back as necessary. I sat at my desk for at least five minutes, unable to answer the phone. I went back in and joined a small group and we talked for a while. Some other coworkers came back in and sat down. One said he was having a lot of trouble answering the phone and summoning empathy for people who were upset that their meds hadn’t arrived yet. He went home for the day.
From the call volume, it seems that the clinics we usually answer for are trying to take some pressure off the call center today. There are a couple schedulers here from the main hospital to help answer the phones. John and my boss bought lunch.
A combination of HR and perhaps family members came to collect her things.
This is the person who came to me in the aftermath of Chris’s destruction- the woman whose husband had died suddenly the year before. She gave me hugs and an open invitation for hugs anytime. She told me some of her story and said that the only advice she had for me was to cry. That has actually been the most solid, concrete, helpful-in-the-moment advice that I have received through this mess. I’m so glad that I told her that. While many of us knew she was hurting pretty bad, she always had a smile. Through our reeling discussions today, we found that she had told us all different pieces last week that we were only able to fit together today. Not that we have that many pieces to put together.
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