Internal Processing

Lately, the focus in the apprentice class has been on studying personality types.  The idea is to learn how to identify these types and get along with each other better.  While reading about the different types, I (rather unintentionally) identified Chris and I can see why we had a lot of the problems that we did.  It makes me realize that I am not going to want that type in the long run.  The type that’s ideal for him is one that does even more mothering and putting up with shit than I did- can you imagine?  By definition, people like him do what they want when they want.  There were all these other horrible little details too, like how they like hobbies that need a lot of gear.  And, of course, they can become experts at anything they can get their hands on, they are impulsive, can’t stand being confined or obligated, and live on their charm.  They are generous to a fault, driven to action, and open to change, but in a relationship, their partner must be capable of allowing them this total freedom and capable of living in what will forever be feast or famine.

The researchers are quick to say that any combination of personalities can have a successful relationship, but that there are two major tendencies in relationships: Artisans (Chris) and Guardians, and Idealists (me) and Rationals.  Guardians are most prevalent, Artisans next, then Idealists, then Rationals.  This is depressing news.  At first, I thought I would need a Guardian, because they believe in traditions and are loyal.  At this moment in my life, I would welcome someone faithful who believed in romantic gestures.  But Guardians can also get very stuck on tradition and keeping things exactly the same, and I can’t see that being entirely a good thing forever.  We Idealists have grand notions of love- we are looking for a soulmate, and Artisans are playmates.  Guardians are helpmates.  Rationals, though, are mindmates.  Eh?  Eh?  I am supposedly best aligned with a Rational.  The first word used to describe them as mates is loyal- I’ll take it!  But they also “don’t give much attention to romance.”  Shit.  What makes it worse is that they are the rarest of personality types!  How will I even find one, let alone enough to find one that fits, especially when I’m an introvert!  I know, I know, slow the train down.

Oh, and in the section titled “We Can Work It Out,” it explains that Idealists with Idealists can become “narrowly devoted to the inner journey and tire themselves out” AND that they “can begin to invade each other’s psychic privacy.”  HA!

You may roll your eyes and skip over this part, but here’s what it says about Idealist and Artisan:

 

Strength: Idealists and Artisans, while exactly opposite in both dimensions of Saying and Doing, can still have a lot of fun together.  Idealists love Artisan spontaneity, the way they live so instinctively and artfully in the moment.  Also the courage and generosity of Artisans can fire the imagination of Idealists, who often will project onto Artisans their own romantic image of the principled leader or soulful artist.  (Shut up.)  Artisans, in turn, feel close to the enthusiasm and passion of Idealists, so much (at least on the surface) like their own excitability and sensuality.

Weakness: Artisan fun and games rarely keep Idealists satisfied for long in a marriage.  They typically want more than a playmate in life, and they’ll attempt to lead their what is Artisan mate into the deeper waters of what if, particularly toward an exploration of personal development.  Unfortunately, most Artisans have little interest in discussing their inner life or spiritual growth.  So when Idealists ask them about “self-realization,” “higher consciousness,” or “spiritual awakening,” Artisans rarely understand what they’re talking about, and can actually feel put down for being merely physical.

 

Well.

I keep thinking about this, asking WHY it went on for so long.  I know why I stayed, and not just because of Ant, though he became a huge part of it.  But I get so mad that he went along with it for so long when it was clearly not what he wanted.  He is always quick to point out the tremendous amount of love, and maybe the time shows how hard he tried.  He knows his behavior was terrible, but he kept coming back and earnestly committing himself to us.  I believed it then and I see now through the personality traits that he really did mean it- at the time.  But he is impulsive, and the lure of fun or temptation or excitement is just too much to resist.  That makes me so sad as my little Idealist self over here, believing in forever love.  I think this personality stuff has been so insightful, but it has made me sad.  These weren’t mistakes or correctable choices- these were just parts of our core selves.  That there can be love in spite of that seems so hideously unfair.

This morning I tried to recall the five stages of grief, wondering where I am.  I know I’ve been angry, I know I have suffered denial and bargaining… ah, depression.  Great.  Hurry up and get here, Tracy.  We need to go have some fun, though I can’t promise I won’t occasionally cry.  I feel the tears welling up and they will probably spill over shortly, though that will probably happen tonight if not sooner.

You know what the worst thing is?  I want sadness and devastation and remorse from him, just to know it meant to him what it meant to me, and after reading all this about personality… ugh.  Tears.