Still here

This is the point in the day when I start to feel murderous.  Do not send me a view alert or I will stab you in the heart with it.

Blood sugar's good, not hungry... hmmm... perhaps dark chocolate deprived.  I have not been eating my one piece a day, looks like it's no longer in my system.

I am looking forward to a weekend with nothing in it.  I need to catch up on my Goodreads challenge.  They tell me I'm a couple books behind for my 2013 goal, and I am all about accomplishing goals this year.  I would also like to watch movies and take Riley for walks and car rides.

I helped Chris move.  He's now in an apartment, trying to get a clean start.  I am glad- he seems like the person I knew again, unburying himself not just from this past year's bullshit, but bullshit from many years.  He is sad and sorry and seems very insistent on cleaning up his messes, so I am very glad about that.  What's interesting is being in the place that I am.  I saw the house and yes, it is a disaster, but it didn't feel like my home anymore.  I was disappointed- shaking my head and trying to keep my mouth shut because none of it needed to be said, but I took good care of that house.  I fought for that house, I cleaned it, blah blah blah... But I left it a year ago.  I'm glad the girl is gone and that I did not go there while she was in that house, but now it's quiet and chaos-free with just a sad mess left behind.  He's dealing with the rental office, being honest so they already know what to expect, and setting up arrangements to pay for it.

Ant's staying in Topaz for now, going to school nearby.  I got a stern few texts from Tracy telling me to stay away, but I only made one fax and several phone calls- one to the school and many to Elaine- providing a much needed foot in the ass to get Ant enrolled.  Yeah, I know, I should back off and let them deal, but the only person that hurts is Ant.  And I didn't drive down there and enroll him myself, but as soon as I found out he wasn't in school yet, I cracked the whip until it was done.  It's a metaphor, but not by much.  I was furious.

I came home from that weird moving day(s) and just felt so happy to be in my own place.  I have been so bored, so irritated with the current unexcitement, and that was a very helpful reminder.  I don't live in chaos anymore.  My bills are paid.  I have paid off a good amount of debt, and have plans in place to pay off more.  My home is calm, safe.  I do hope that Chris creates that- it sounds like he really wants it- but I am not offering mine and he is not asking.

I talked to Shannon briefly on moving day and when I told her what I was doing, she asked me why, but then said she was not surprised.  Let's hope that's a "because you're a kind person" and not a "because you're a mushy doormat."  I don't feel like a doormat.  I feel like this is within my abilities, though I am paying very close attention to the emotional radar.  I feel more distance than I thought I would, which surprises me.  I still care, I still have love, but I am also very aware of the damage done and the fact that life is better now than it was then.  I can't quite reconcile those conflicting feelings, but I am very reserved about what I do with them.

I am really, really glad that I am the kind of person who is willing to help.  It felt like bitterness and anger was going to live with me forever and I am so relieved to see a future without that.  I promise that in future relationships, I will not let the justification for such anger and bitterness go on so long.  For now, I am happy to live in my little cocoon and rest.

Yeah, I still need to move on to a new job, a new place, start something new and go after whatever I feel super excited about.  I don't know yet which is the best place to go, now that there are some Godfather offers on the table, and I want to take a moment to address one very valid concern that several of you have shared.  I should go whererever I want to, you're right.  And I will.  For now I feel a pull and yes, a mild obligation, to go back to the East Coast.  I'm not going to stay there, so soak it up, Ma!  I will leave again, but I do think it would be nice and needed to have that love and support around me for a while.  I'll get over that quickly, I'm sure (ha ha), and will start to be antsy and annoyed and then you can remind me that it's probably time to be adventurous again.  I love that while you want me there, you're still encouraging me to do what I need.  I love you, and I promise you I won't stay.  You'll all be so over my company that you'll be urging me to go live on a ranch in Montana.  Which I may do, you never know.

I know I've been quiet lately, especially here.  I've just been processing, I guess.  I guess before, I had a picture of where things were going and I don't have that anymore.  No idea, really, and maybe that's a good thing.  I don't know what the hell happened, I don't know what's going to happen... guess I just have to focus on what's happening right now.

Right now I'm doing laundry, right now I'm walking the dog, right now I'm eating dinner.

Right now I feel pretty calm, so let me get back on the phone.